Thursday, 20 December 2012

Christmas N Stuff

Hmmm, it's that time of year again.. The time for families to guilt trip each other into spending money they haven't got and everyone sits around wishing they were at home with a pile of gear.. ;)
I usually go to my mums, unfortunately she's working this year so were staying in London. I grabbed the opportunity to go volunteer for 'crisis at Christmas' .. I did it once before years ago, in fact I was a service user one year when I was homeless.. Crisis do great work, they have day centres up and down the country and work to help people who are street homeless.
Every year they do 'Crisis At Christmas' they open day centres across London and provide Christmas dinners, I think they cooked 16000 meals last year!
Besides the food they use a huge team if volunteers to provide healthcare, dentist, addiction key workers, complimentary therapists and counsellor.
This year I've volunteered as an entertainer! I'm playing a one hour set on piano!
I got myself a new keyboard a while back, I'd love to work full time as a pianist, at a piano bar or even session musician.

Music is the only thing I ever really gave a shit about, I've had so many different jobs I've the years! I never really followed my dream if being a pianist because I could t see a career in it for me. I don't have many regrets in my life, even getting on heroin was a huge life lesson.,! I do however, regret not staying at school, I really believe if I'd concentrate more on music I could have gone to an academy or uni to study for a degree, I have my grades up to 6 I think, I play be ear really, I can read music (although I'm really rusty) if I have to, but I picked up piano and guitar by sitting for hours playing and seeing what notes sounded good together! I discovered triads pretty early on :)
Before my friend Cat died she helped me by lending me some money towards buying my keyboard. She believed in me and wanted me to follow my dreams. It's with that in my thoughts that I've contacted goldsmiths to try and get on their music degree course, starting September 2013.
What I'd really like to do is music therapy, the degree will enable me to do a therapy course or just teach, I'd have to sit my grades up to 8 and do an access course too apparently..
It would mean 5-6 years study.. I'd be nearly 40 by the time I qualify! Although I'd be a 40 year old with a degree!
I'm trying to get some direction in my life anyway, it's time to do something I actually want to do I don't think I'm the kind of person that can do a job I hate. I've had some good jobs in my time too. I was the deputy general manager of one of the biggest clubs in London for a couple of years, good money but shit hours and a lot of stress! I'd much rather be teaching someone how to play piano!
I'm doing ok otherwise, I've been quiet this last few months because I've been trying to concentrate on myself. I'm still clean, I still use ibogaine root bark most days. Let me make it clear though, I am in no way dependent on it, physically or psychologically, I ran out a while back and I ended up sitting through some of the most intense cravings I've ever had! I had a couple of using dreams too... I hate them, they're always so vivid, usually I'm running around the streets, hustling up cash, then I go score, get home, cook up, I find a vein, pull back red and do it... That's when I wake up! Expecting a nice warm rush but nothing happens! Haha.. Pure torture! I don't think people who have never gone through opiate withdrawal understand just how intense and insidious the effects of detox can be! When you can't even get a moment of relief in the few hours of sleep you manage to grab things get hard!
I'm still trying to deal with the Facebook group i sort of inherited.. Who knew that as an admin you get so much abuse! I'm taking a break from it all for a few weeks. It all got a bit much, when I gained the admin ship I lost my support group, as an admin it feels there is this unspoken expectation to hold it together and be an inspiration to others struggling with their own recovery. People seem to forget that I'm newly clean myself!
It seems whenever you do good people just can't wait to try and drag you down!.. Or back into using as the case may be.
Just by being the third admin and inheriting full responsibility I gained a bunch of ready made haters and trolls.,! I wish I had a thicker skin, it's a steel learning curve, learning to let shit roll right off your back, I'm a pretty sensitive kinda guy.. It hurts when I, being called a cunt and fag for no other reason that I'm the admin of a support group

Anyways... I hope you all have bearable Christmases!

Here's a link to my (bad) attempt at playing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' on the piano!.. Man that's a hard song to Play! let alone sing 'gallileo gallileo' at the same time! haha

Oh, and if you'd like to sponsor me at crisis, ie donate towards providing the food and services you can do so here...:
Thanks to my family and friends I smashed my first goal of £100 and had to up it to £150!!

Monday, 29 October 2012

A Tribute For Two Amazing People

I had some terrible news last weekend.
Two very close friends of mine were killed in a car accident..

I've been trying to come to terms with this all week, I can honestly say I've shed more tears over the untimely death of these people than I have for family members that have passed.

They were called Cat Asche and Chris Bava.
I met them (I say met, more started talking online) about three years ago, I started talking to Chris originally I think from the 'Mindvox' Ibogaine mailing list.
His comments always made me laugh and I usually agreed with him 100%
He was a character, he invited me to join his facebook group the 'Ibogaine Survivors Club' and I duly accepted the offer!

Boy, am I glad I did, I've met and become close friends with so many people through that group!
It's funny, and even difficult for people around me in my real life to begin to understand what these people mean to me, especially Cat & Chris!
I started contributing anyway, when I first joined I was at a stage with my using that I had become totally ambivalent about recovery. I'd sort of come to the conclusion that I'd just never be clean.
Over the weeks and months I started to change my mind, these people, just by recounting their stories, inspired me to have another 'go' at getting clean.
The rest is history so to speak.. I started thinking about trying another iboga detox, I was given very honest opinions and experiences of Iboga, I'd done one flood before but it didn't work, I was coming off a hefty methadone habit though, plus heroin and crack.
The more I've learnt about the way iboga works, I now understand that it struggles with the long acting opiates, methadone or subutex.
So, with the groups support I began to stop using methadone, I got my MST prescription and used 600mg morphine daily for the next 18 months or so.

It must have been around then that David Graham Scott contacted me, he told me he was in the process of filming a follow up documentary to 'detox or die', the film he was in ten years ago, coming off methadone with iboga very successfully.
It all sort of fell together, we planned my flood and filming for mid August.
Cat put a call out in the group for help with costs, I wasn't working and just couldn't afford the £600 I'd need just for the medicine.
Amazingly people donated towards it!
I blogged about this before! ... Anyways, the majority of the money came straight from Chris & Cat, they were so incredibly generous I was humbled really.

So, I do my flood, great, I had one slip a couple weeks later, I was so pissed at myself!
It was around this time I confided my slip in one person in the group I thought I could trust, I had no idea she was quite so unpredictable at the time but she preceded to tell people, including Cat & Chris.
She forced my hand, I was going to tell people in my own time, sadly I had to then  write to people privately and make a public statement.. (I think I blogged about all this too but bear with me!)
I wrote personally to Cat & Chris, scared that they would reject me or be angry that they had given me money and I had let them, myself and the group down!
I actually left the group, my support group so that this girl wouldn't have to 'cover my lies' as she put it.
Chris had made me an 'admin' of the group some time before too so I naturally gave that up too.

So, You know what they did?

Put me straight back in the group, re-instated my admin role, gave the girl that caused the problem 24 hours to apologise, which she didn't so they took her out the group!
They then told me that I was a valuable member and that he wouldn't hear of me leaving and instead of being angry they offered to pay for my next treatment if I wanted to try again!
Just constant, unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness with no judgement or anger!

I was so bowled over..!

Anyway, the point of all that was to illustrate what kind of people they were.
Chris had a very colourful past too! He was an international drug smuggler back in the day, really leading the life, sailing round the world, driving Harleys and living off China White heroin.
He had a wake up call when they got busted, he ended up doing six years in a federal jail!
He's often recount the story of at intake he told the guard that he had a hefty CW heroin habit on top of 80mg of methadone and that he would need some kind of maintenance medication. The reply was 'welcome to the big time son, here we go cold turkey!'
He had no choice in the matter!
I think he said he didn't really recover properly for a year!

So, during this time he met a guy that practised Siddha yoga, he talks of a spiritual awakening and he was hungry for more. It was a huge turning point in his life, when he got out he went to India and became a 'seeker'. Living in ashrams with guru's .. He often said he loved the 'Seva', basically service, helping others, he got a buzz from it. He was totally clean for 17 years.

After meeting Cat in Australia they moved back to the states and opened a nightclub in the LA artist district, they did this for a few years, putting on the annual burning man 'decompression' event.
During this time both of them struggled with their own demons, Chris relapsed on heroin and Cat methamphetamine mainly.
They had moved to Tijuana, Mexico a few years ago to clean up.
Chris underwent treatment with iboga a few times and readily admits it didn't work for him, he could see the potential though and advocated it's use for others after that.
He eventually got clean in an 'intervention' style Mexican rehab. The family took him down to this beautiful looking clinic which boasted equine therapy and a swimming pool and gym.
As soon as the family left he was basically bundled into a sub-terranian, cockroach infested cellar. locked up and left for three weeks!
Cat would call to see how he was doing and would be told 'Chris is doing great! He's been riding horses today and sends his love'

As horrendous as this sounds, he attributed his getting sober to this place, he was always saying 'when the addict is ready the solution will appear'

Cat & Chris spent the last few years opening their home to addicts coming for treatment in Mexico, they would arrange cheap treatments and feed and home people needing help.
They loved animals and would take in strays, they had eight cats in total and two lovely little dogs.
Chris would spend a lot of time in Zone Norte, the red light district of TJ, befriending the homeless deportees. There was a trust there and Chris started to photograph them with stunning results!
He had a blog here
They were both working with a small charity called Prevencasa which helped the deportees and sex workers with clean injecting equipment and clothes etc.
If anyone is looking for a way to donate and continue his work seriously consider donating to them!

They were both artists in their own right too, Chris's brother Mark was an amazing sculptor, Mark sadly died in the accident too.

It's come to light after their passing just how extensive their 'Seva' was. There are lots of people they supported financially and emotionally, never expecting anything in return, they were truly selfless people and we should all take a lesson from them!
Cat was the kindest, sweetest woman I've ever known, so gentle and caring. She was always there for me when I needed advice or support. I'm so glad I got to say how much I appreciate them in our last few messages and I got to give her some money back too which felt good, I was sold by someone that she was very touched I had as 'most people never bother' .. It made me cry hearing that actually.
Cat had lent me the money to pay for a new piano recently, she was really keen I got back into playing again, it's made me more determined than ever to play more music!
I'd asked her to request me a song and I'd record it for her. Sadly she never got to hear it but I recorded it the next day and uploaded it to youtube.. It's a bit messy with a few mistakes but it was a first take recording and I was trying hard not to cry! Here it is anyway

I could write more on these two, there was so much more!

Although what has happened is incredibly shocking and sad there were some blessings, they went together being the big one. I think one passing would have been too painful to bear.
They had also just gone to see Bob Dylan in concert so had had a great night!

They weren't even driving when this happened, they had pulled over to the hard shoulder for a rest and were ploughed into from behind by a little Honda doing 65mph.. (the driver survived)

It's been interesting to see peoples behaviour too, people that have acted with little respect and taken stuff from their house within a day of the news fills me with rage, people they had supported financially for the last six months too!
But in general the group has become tight and we've all supported each other.
As the only other admin at the group I've had to continue day to day admin duties, all pretty stressful!
Chris used to do it, and although he rarely chastised anyone publicly and he always managed to keep up the appearance of little intervention in the running of the group, they both spent hours and hours in PM with members and 'vetting' new requests to join as sadly facebook is full of trolls, people that just want to cause trouble.
I feel as though Chris has entrusted the group to me and I will do everything in my power to make sure the group continues.

Well, I only covered a fraction of what I wanted to here, I'll leave you with some of Chris's best quotes!

  • "Time, time ... so much to do and so little of it. :))"  Chris Bava 09/22/12

  • "There's a thin line between breakdown and breakthrough." Chris Bava 10/10/2012

  • "Speaking of twilight zone, how about deceased people still posting on FB?! Christopher Hitchins still posts and a local Mexican artist we knew (who died last year) just updated his cover pic. It's kind of charming. I put a 'like' anyway smile" Cat Asche, 10/10/2012

  • "We're all going to lose parents, loved ones and family members .. that's life. As addicts we're or the addiction is always looking for a reason to re-establish or continue itself. You certainly can get by without having to shoot heroin, first make sure you prevent that from happening." Chris Bava, 10/11/2012

  • Test, whether it is or isnt who can say but it's life compressed in months .. and it seems to happen, if you can hit the warrior switch like I mentioned before in other words tell god to "bring it" it will all seem not so bleak and devastating .. anyway that was my trick ... and I'd say to myself "savage grace, savage grace" ... in the world of yoga they say it's the shkati burning away the samskaras .. they call it tapasya .. or doing austerities .. passing thru difficulties as a means of purifying .. it worked for me and believe it or not there's a kernel of truth to it." -  Chris Bava

  • " No? Because the truth is we're aren't anybody .. whatever importance we ascribe to ourself is a fantasy, it has no importance to anything other than to a tiny blip in time .. primarily "our" time ... it's easier to let go as a the nobodies we are." - Chris Bava

  • Yes, and I think advice good or bad is about the same, worthless, if there is any benefit in the group it's not getting advice but maybe a kind of resonance with others that makes some people not have to feel so all alone ... everything else is fluff, entertainment while something else beneficial could be going on for a few who might otherwise be on the tipping point. Advice is the worst kind of helpfulness, unless someone specifically asks for it and even then, who really pays attention or uses it?" - Chris Bava June 24 2011

  • "All I know is one day you'll be whistling along with all the time in the world & at some point you'll wake up with a start to realize there's no going back and now you're like an asteroid hurtling helplessly through space toward your demise where the end could as well be today as tomorrow. Some days it's alarming, others exhilarating but time & life become vastly different from when mortality was just an abstraction, something far off and unimaginable somewhere on the other side of my universe.  We're all doing time and living under a sentence of death, if you're lucky you'll find out that you're nobody or you'll be cursed in believing that you were somebody that did something remarkably important."                      -  Chris Bava 9/23/2012

  • "Screwballs, and gangsters" had to go into centro yesterday to pick up a young man from Boston who is here for ibogaine treatment while waiting I crawled the car around the deep back streets on the city, Cat asked why I'm attracted to the worst sections of the city. I think I find the best stories there written on the faces, streets and walls ... life's pathos so obvious here. Mine breaks more for the animals too, for me the saddest thing of all is the innocent beautiful look in the eyes of birds and all the animals suffer illness & pain with such dignity, it seems.Maybe this tragedy will teach people humility, though I kind of doubt it.  xocb " - Chris Bava , June 30, 2010 (he's referring to the animals hurt in the oil spill )

  • "I dont feel any need to sit for formal meditation, it sometimes just comes over me. I prefer the very late hours too (or very early) and seems regardless of when I go to sleep I wake up around 3 or 4. I think in India they called it the nectar hours when the world around you was asleep, considered an auspicious time to be awake. That was the thinking around the ashram anyway. Once you become tuned into a particular teacher, I like the concept of the teacher being not the person but the resonance between sage and seeker then I guess that resonance would be there whether the entity was or not." - Chris Bava, June 21, 2010

  • "it's not necessary to have daily interactions (with a guru) .. maybe a few to develop a kind of bond .. or even online .. by asking questions, something happens .. anyway, it's all about a bond .. I suppose that isn't confined to time and space but happens more often in time and space...a guru isnt a person it's a resonance, a principle that will inevitably cause a lot of trouble for you ... a good teacher will always." - Chris Bava, August 15, 2012

  • "Yeah, I understood your question and actually feel it silly to think somehow meditators will automatically be spared life's unfortunate circumstance because they sit regularly doing whatever they do to meditate. Delirium is as much part of the universe as daffodils and bliss, why is that one spared and the other isn't? The better question would be "Why not?" So, someone falls, becomes confused and then delirious in hospital they'd not only have to feel humiliated enough by the experience but also made to feel guilty because they somehow fell short of something they should've been better at or doing more of. Somehow they screwed up the deal and it was their fault. Since I turned 50 I've been saying intentional communities should to be set up, run by seniors for seniors in a loose, hip way that would appeal to our generation of fringe people. Probably doesn't help that hospitals look and feel the way they do, sterile, scary with staff too stressed out and busy to be personable and why the many who go to hospitals for a 'bad' acid trip wind up getting worse and given awful anti-psychotic medications. I bet that'd eliminate a decent portion of the nightmare. Community can do wonderful things. I used to be able to stay awake until all hours, and sleep few. Now I have no control, I fall asleep relatively early and wake up very early. I guess this lack of control comes with age, though I believe our sense of control is just an overlay on whats really in control anyway. xocb" -Chris Bava , June 22, 2010

Wednesday, 10 October 2012


Just a quick post.

My old psychiatrist, Vanessa Crawford is now on twitter!
She is seriously the first and only doctor that I felt really gave a shit about me.
Sadly due to NHS budget cuts she left east London and went to work for another trust.
A real shame, she's sorely missed at my local addiction unit.

She's highly respected in her field, addiction, regularly giving talks at conferences etc
She's a credit to her profession.. If you hadn't noticed I think she's bloody marvellous! Haha

So, yes, she's on twitter now, under the username 'addictionpsych'
She's happy to answer questions about drugs, addiction treatment in the UK and so on
I highly recommend you follow her!

While your there, I'm on twitter too as 'exheroinjunkie'

That's all for now folks! :) 

Saturday, 22 September 2012

New Facebook Support Group

Hi peoples!

I've just started a new support group on Facebook.
It's called 'We're Getting Better'

Try this link  although it may not work..

It's not heroin/opiate specific and it's not gonna revolve around Iboga.
I simply want a group for people in all stages of recovery to feel safe to share and get some moral support.

It's a 'closed' group which simply means its private. No one on your friends list can see what you type.
This is really important obviously.
This is a place you can be free to share whatever you want without fear of judgment or ridicule.

So, if your on Facebook go join!
While your at it, friend request me! :) I'm 'Sid Skid'

Hope to see you there! 

Monday, 17 September 2012

It's been nearly a month!

Hi everyone!


Where am I?!

Well, things are ok. It's been nearly a month now since I did another Ibogaine flood.
It's funny looking back at my blog entries over that first week!
I've left them as they are just to show quite how ataxic and clumsy the medicine makes you!
I mean, I don't even remember writing them! Haha..

So, a month...

My Ibogaine 'glow', always seems to last about a week, others report this 'floating on cloud nine' feeling for up to three months sometimes!
I think it must have been around day six or seven I started to feel a bit down, I was also trying to cope with minor withdrawal symptoms.
By minor I mean very low level chills and sweats, goosebumps, diorreah, sneezing etc.
Nothing unbearable, just annoying.
I was using iboga root bark to cope with this which always works very well, unfortunately I ran out!
I had less than I thought as I forgot I'd micro dosed for two weeks leading up to my flood to get my morphine tolerance/habit right down.
On that note, micro dosing co-commitantly with root bark works really well!
I was using up to 1200mg daily, I'd take 900mg (iboga rootbark)upon waking, in place of my morning shot and it worked like a dream!
By using this protocol I managed to easily cut down a 600mg IV morphine habit daily to 100-200mg!
I was also still shooting speedballs nearly every day too and managed to stop that too.
When I say 'easily' I really mean it.
Like, not only was I not in any withdrawal, I was actually high if anything!
Iboga not only potentate's opiates but it also seems to extend the effect.
After a week I was able to drag my first shot of the day out til mid afternoon! Something that just would not have been possible without the iboga.

Using the two together can be dangerous though. In the doses I've mentioned there shouldn't be any issues BUT, if your thinking about doing the same then please do some research first!
Because of the potentiating effect the risk of overdose is increased and this protocol must be used very carefully.

Anyhow, back to my current situation...

As I say, about a week after my flood I was feeling pretty crappy, physically.
I had ran out of bark and was waiting on more to arrive.

I ended up slipping and using once. Strangely, it just wasn't the same as before.
I just didn't enjoy it, like I couldn't get high?..
I've heard others report similar experiences too, not being able to get high after Iboga, or rather the drugs just don't cut the mustard any more.

So I used, once, a speedball...
It was crap, I didn't feel high. It relieved my PAWS for a few hours but more importantly, it really put me off using!
Over the course of three floods now, the way I think about drugs has changed dramatically.
I don't obsess and 'fiend' over them anymore, it's actually quite liberating!
I mean, I've been a live to die  junkie for years! I didn't care about anything, least of all myself!
My health, both mental and physical, just weren't important. I didn't care what damage I was doing to my body and I'm sure I have.
My lungs are terrible and I know that shooting MST for the last two years has taken it's toll.
I'm quite badly asthmatic anyway but after coming off opiates I really noticed just how bad my breathing is.
Lately I keep finding myself short of breath, half a dozen times a day I find myself panicking because I can't catch my breath.. It's terrifying actually!
Opiates suppress the cough and breathing reflex, this is why they are used in cough syrups.
I just plain didn't notice how bad my breathing was!
I've been on about six courses of different antibiotics and oral steroids recently as I was aware I had a chest infection but it just didnt seem to want to shift.
I really noticed suddenly after stopping the morphine that my breathing went back to normal and the chest pains that were being masked by the opiates came to the fore.

I've just finished another course of amoxycillin anyway so fingers crossed I'll get better now.
I even ended up calling an ambulance at 5am the other day I was so panicked because I couldn't breath!

Anyway... Where was I?

Yes.. Nearly a month..!

Aside from the chest and my one very minor slip, I'm still clean!
I've stopped the benzos too, I was taking far more than I thought, the last thing I needed was/is a bloody benzo habit on top of everything else!
I'm even trying to stop smoking at the moment.. Mainly because I physically can't with my chest being so bad but also because I want to, for the first time in my life!
I've cut down from 40 plus a day to like, five or six which is pretty cool.. (I do have three patches on though)

So, to sum things up..

I'm very happy with where I am.
Things may not have gone perfectly to plan, no, I didn't manage to stay 100% clean after my flood, BUT;
I've had a huge shift in my thinking and behaviour!
I'm no longer shooting anything, I've been attending NA andf SMART meetings three or four times a week and even saw a clincal psychologist the other day.
Hes actually really nice, I don't usually get on with psychs, especially male ones for some reason but I like this guy.

I guess it depends on how you define success anyway I guess, in relation to my detox..

In my eyes, I had a minor slip and have since picked myself up, dusted myself down and worked hard at my recovery.

I had some drama recently I could have done without..
I'm a member of a great support group on facebook, it's a closed (ie private) group called Ibogaine Survivors Club 
It's a place I feel safe and can be honest usually but the last few days something happened which really surprised and disappointed me.

Only a few people know about my slip and they're mainly people I know in real life that I felt able to tell.
I made a bad call a few days ago by confiding in another group member who I really thought I could trust.

Unfortunately after telling this person about my slip she decided to take it upon herself to 'out' me.
She literally went from a good friend, saying how happy she was that I felt I could confide in her and did a complete 180!
I was basically emotionally blackmailed.
She said that she could no longer post or share in the group as she didn't want to 'support my lies'
That I'd pushed her out of the group with my dishonesty etc etc..
Anyway, this ended up with me basically saying that I'd leave, which I did (after telling her to go fuck herself and what a nasty person she was)
It was horrible, these people are my friends but I did leave (I'm actually even an admin there) so she could continue to share.
How bad is that right?!

I wrote to the other admins of the group (the actual group 'owners') to tell them everything as I knew she would
Luckily they were not bothered in the slightest and I was talked into returning.
So yeah, she did as I thought and spent the day yesterday messaging the admins trying to get me into trouble.
Unfortunately for her I'd already told them everything so this all ended up backfiring and making her look like a douche and a gossip haha

Actually, the funny thing is that she started the whole thing off, me telling her, by saying in a private message that if she knew I'd relapsed she'd be on a plane to the UK to get some 'proper H' !(She's from Finland, apparently it's nearly impossible to get heroin over there)
It's only because she said that that I felt I could confide in her.
She swore blind that she wouldn't break my confidence!
She's literally spent the last two days messaging people in the group trying to get me into trouble, I've also been told that she's got a screw loose and that she prides herself on her ability to 'take someone down'
She has no qualms about snitching on people to the cops apparently.
I don't think she has anything on me luckily. She does though have my address as she sent me some Ibogaine a whole back.

I really can't be bothered with all this right now anyway, I'm concentrating on myself, staying clean and serene!

The whole thing is awful, of course I wanted to be honest with my support group!, I haven been intentionally lying and enjoying it. Far from it! Fact is its not quite a simple as all that, there is other stuff going on, it's not black and white.

Why all the drama!?

That's it for now

Hope you lot are all good!?
let me know in the comments.. :)


Sunday, 2 September 2012

Day 12?

Well, everything's fine so far!

No PAWS (I'm still taking around a gram of bark every morning though)

No physical cravings, just dealing with breaking that daily use routine

Someone mentioned becoming dependant on bark, well, it's better than heroin and trust me it's impossible to become addicted to bark, your body wouldn't let you.

There does come a point where the receptors are so flooded with iboga/nor-ibo that you reach a point that any more wouldn't help

I feel ok, not depressed as such, more just a bit flat which is to be expected after any long term opiate addiction
I think there's a lot to be said for really trying to change your habits, so easy to just lay on the couch and feel sorry for yourself, actually making an effort to go to meetings, therapy, exercise. Makes all the difference!

I gave up all my free will this time, handed over bank cards, cash, disposed of all the paraphernalia. No needles, cups, swabs etc in the house.

That was the hardest bit,handing over my power. Has to be done though 

Friday, 31 August 2012

Day Ten?

So, day ten I think! 

I feel great, no cravings, zero withdrawal symptoms, not fiending

Fuckin amazing drug! 

Will update at day 30 with a proper run down, apologies if I hasn't replied to comments, I have the brain of a five year old. 

Anyway, the shit works!

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Day Nine Update!


Day nine!

Cant quite believe it myself!

Aside from the lethargy and boredom I'm doing great!

No PAWS, no restless legs, no depression!

I know its only a week, but it's still a fuckin week!

I'm still taking bark micro doses every day and did a 200mg HCL booster earlier.

All in all, a very successful detox! 

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Day Three! Post flood! And a small quick Draft if my Notes

Im wiring this to reduce harm reduction please feel free to copy and post
It's a general edit is the big lack I got together in case anything went wrong!

I'm hoping that, although I may not be  popular for doing this, I know our average junks can afford minimum £2,500 per tx. So here's. All my notes I'll be undoing it too

(Make sure you include your EKG and blood rulers in the pack!

Dear A&E consultancy, in the case you ever need to see this, I wish to I for, all my state
Medical conditions:
Prescribed meds:

Ibogaine hydrochloride, hallucinogenic root bark from the shrub Tansrnante Ibos

A full syntheses Is now possible which brings the single, believed 'addiction interruptor' ibogaine alkaloid hydrochloride (HCL)
This is the heavy shit. For people with latge methadone or suboxone.

(Ialso included a list of attached contrasidicarions!
'safe' drigs that have been iasuswd in combo with ibo are, but no way limits too:Benzodoazepines, yehretoo, lidocaine

'danger drugs with ibo:
Opites! (ibo resers opiate tolerqnce to near zero and a few people have died like this!diazepam may help with anxiety

(A bit about ibo)
Ibo prolongs at, you MUST be have a BP and oxi cuff, ibogaine slows the hart right now ,I've dropped to 43 pm, toward he end.
I've also made a graph observing my starts, I've kept all the days and will keep writing out up now!The booklet consists of, on the front page, all my gp details, my weight, height, sex, dob,  age

I did to though! I've stuck my dings up at that nasty bit of work Dr Sarah Metcalf, I'll never be going back again! Waney! I'm duckin clean!
Letter of absolvtion:
Goal of detox, to attenuate acute wd,

(so this is verbatim)
Detox goal, to detoxify from a fifteen year heroin addiction using an African shrub. It grows all over the world, mailmy Gabon or Cameroon.
My daily dose WAS

200mg split three ways over the day, every six hourse
I successfully and painless cutdown from 600,gbdakt to 100mgm in a week!

Impossible right!?
Sorry, anyway, back tommy letter/ER emergency letter.

Day three post flood! I'm on top of the world!

Day four!

Well, I have to say, it was a painfree, comfortable, gentle detox.

I think what save me fro the PAWS though was for the two weeks leading up to my detox I was micro dosing root bark daily around the 2g limit before you get into psychoactive dose range..

Tolerance builds quick with RB and I know a few people that can easily manage 4000mg daily.,!

So, my experience, I had a sitter, checking my bp and pulse evy thirty minute. No visuals but just knowing that that 100mh HCL 'test' will get out out of trouble.

Last time I tried ibo I was on pretty hefty methadone dose.
Methinks such a long acting opiate, I think has a17,5 half life, so .you imagine taking that insidious disgusting deign day after day, 72 hours half life, on that half life builds up.

And that's why, looking back now I didn't do with research, I didn't/ couldn't afford it. 

So here's a few titbits,,,

My conclusion is if your coming from methadone or suboxone, it's a VERY good idea to swap to a Sao, for a minimum two weeks pre-flood!
providers work in different ways, Sarah Glatt ont used 'TA' (total alkaloid extract From the iboga shrub. , around 15% stronger Usually)

Medical stuff, is ESSENTIAL, im not trying to put a downer on you or put you off, but, any provider with their salt will require an EKG, full Blood Count and liver function test, the physical should examine you liver too for size
So, essential..

AS for me I haven't slept for four days Now, benzos dontn touch the sides with rewards to heroin, 

Anyway, I'm feeling very positive, I've been to a meeting and arranged a session with a psychologist next week :)

I think im doing great,day  three, 72 hours since last hit, and ZERO,ZILCH withdraw symptoms at all, now shivering orrls, nothing! AMAZING!

The film maker Dacid Graham Scott,from the original 'Detox or die' has been with me the whole tome,time, looking after me, im a,little overwhelmed about the generosity of juarez Facebook friends have need so generous and kind and I'd love  to pay back at some point! 

We had a couple of hairy moments, my pulse Dropped to 42bpm at one stage 

Anyways when im more together I'll pit s doc together onto ISC
Bp graph,medical conditions, absolving of provider met..

But for right now, I'm on top of the bloody world! 

Trust me, this stuff works,  I've had about 15 odd years and now I final positive, no depression,


Go google :) 

And thanks for all the support!

Sent from my iPad

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

The Night Before!!

Wow, so many mixed emotions, mainly positive I have to say!

Ive planned and planned, read and read, researched and read forum after forum about iboga,
I think I have a pretty good understandingmofmthe risks and benefits now.

It's an informed decision, I NEED to do this!

I should be taking my last dose of 100mg MST in a couple of hours, after a dinner of Dahl, rice and pakora I'll be taking a long bath, having some auricular acupuncture, meditating and having a chilled  evening until an early night.

Davidmis nearly here, I'll bring him up to speed with all the medical stuff, doses etc with a view to taking the test dose early morning, my first 'low wave' dose (200mg-400mg HCL) an hour later, the longer I can wait between last morphine dose and flood the better, overnight is my best chance, I'll be able to get a minimum of 12 hours, hopefully more like 15-20 but will see how it goes.

Knowing the first dose will attenuate withdrawals is great,
I'm really looking forward to it all actually!

Will keep you all updated!

Wish me luck!


Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Template Letter In Case Of Emergency

I've put this together after a few people requested I shared the letter absolving any sitters in case of emergency..

So here it is:
(Please feel free to suggest any additions, it's quite basic, I probably haven't covered a few things!)

To whom this may concern,

This letter is to confirm my intention to employ the psychoactive drug ibogaine hydrochloride (an full extract of the root bark from an African shrub, Tabernanthe Iboga)

My goal is to use a total dose of:                   

The current accepted amount needed to achieve therapeutic results (attenuation of acute opiate withdrawal symptoms) is between 15mg/kg and 22mg/kg

This would mean I am taking a total of:       Mg/kg

My name is:
Average baseline obs:             Dia/Sys.         Bpm 
Health conditions:

Daily prescribed medications:
Daily recreational drug use:

Ibogaine can prolong qt interval, nausea is also a common side effect, it's important to ensure the pt I properly hydrated, sipping electrolytes and IV saline if nessacary. 
Known contra-indications with ibogaine include (but are not limited to), anti-psychotics, SSR'S and SNRI'S, opiates

'safe' drugs include: Benzodiazepines, Tegretol, Lidocaine and adrenaline 

Attached you will find a graph plotted with obs and all consumed medications including iboga

Finally and most importantly,

I have made an informed decision to use ibogaine to detoxify from opiates, I have not been co-erced or bribed.
I fully absolve any of my 'sitters' of any responsibility in the case of fatality.
These people are:

Printed Name:


Monday, 20 August 2012

Three Day Countdown!

Three Day Countdown!

Wow!, well, where do I start?!

For the last week I've been taking supplements (not nessacary but useful)
Omega 3,6,9
High dose vitamin C
Vitamin D
Vitamin B
Also, 75mg asprin a day (which will be stopped tomorrow)

I've been using daily rootbark now for the last week or so, starting at 300mg upon waking and I can now easily take up to 1200mg with no obvious psychoactive effects.
By using bark I've managed to reduce my MST intake from 600mg daily to between 100 and 200! - Iterally amazed! 

Honestly, I've had a few slips, a few 'last shot ever' moments that have left me feeling flat, and skirt! 

The combo of bark and the odd 5mg Diaz has worked wonders!

So, I have everything in place, medical equipment, detox protocol for dosing, other complimentary meds. I've established my vital obs baselines and have written a letter of intent to absolve any sitters of responsibility.

  David is arriving Wednesday evening, I'll take my last shot of MST with him filming, stop eating and drinking and generally prepare myself for the next morning.

I'm hoping I'll get more than 12 hours before I take my iboga. Should be more like 18-24 by using bark.
Well start the treatment Thursday morning/afternoon 
After the 'test dose' (200mg I'll be spreading a further 1200mg over the next 48 hours or so, in doses of between 200 and 400mg's (HCL) 

This 'low wave' dosing is the safest way, especially with my current chest infection. 

So, wish me luck, I'll have my head down for the next few days preparing mentally and physically but I'll try to keep you guys updated on here or my twitter (exheroinjunkie)


Thursday, 9 August 2012

Planning My Flood

I have all my medicene now for my flood in a couple of weeks!

Above, from left to right starting fro the top, we have: 20 grams of raw iboga root bark, 1000mg ibogaine in capsules (HCL, purified from iboga), 1800mg iboga bark in capsules. 3000mg raw root bark (RB) then in the bottom right silver satchel another 2000mg TA and to the left of that a further 1000mg HCL.

The material is from iboga world, I used them last time and the material is good quality and its couriered really fast., 36 hours from Cape town, South Africa! 

This may seem a lot but is enough for my flood, some boosters and then some. The last couple of attempts I've actually ran out, not had enough for boosters and ended up relapsing so I've made certain I have plenty this time!

I was going to combine TA with my HCL flood dose but have now decided not to,. TA, being the full alkaloids is much more likely to cause nausea and vomiting medicene before it has been absorbed is costly in more ways than one.
I vomited pretty much all the HCL last time I flooded, this combined with coming off a pretty big methadone habit I'm convinced is part of the reason I couldn't stay clean and relapsed.

So, here's my itinery/dosing schedule.. Bear in mind this is only a guide and in most cases needs to be altered. It's a rough guide, dosing needs to be played by ear somewhat, giving iboga as required in the days and weeks post flood to deal with PAWS and cravings.

My last hit of morphine will most probably be taken in the afternoon of the day before the flood. 
As you need to wait as long as possible before taking the iboga and I've found I can go the longest between doses overnight, I think this is my best option to get as long as I can betwee last dose and flood.


Maybe 3pm the day before I'll have my last hit. I'll also stop eating solids at this point. Maybe a light soup for dinner, the idea is to have as empty a stomach as possible before ingesting the medicene.
By bed time I'll probably be feeling a little crappy so will probably take half a diazepam or similar.

The next morning more of the same, no solids, reduced liquids.. It's a good idea to drink something with electrolytes in it in the days leading up to flooding so dioralyte is good, or even lucozade.

3pm will be the 24 hour mark and is really the minimum amount of time I need before dosing so I'll probably go longer. It helps to know that within an hour of dosing with iboga the withdrawals will be gone!

I'm hoping to get to the evening, maybe even as late as 8 or 9pm, 30 hours would be great, there's also a reason for flooding overnight, senses are heightened on iboga, noises, lights, smells etc.. I live in central London, it's pretty noisy and nightime would be a lot better. It will be dark too, hyper photosensitivety is a side effect best avoided!

I'll take a 'test dose' (200mg HCL) an hour before the full flood, this is just in case there's any reaction. I was fine last time so should be again.. I hope! 

After the hour I'll feel a little trippy, a little unsteady on my feet and most likely have that notorious buzzing in my ears. 
At this stage I'll take the rest of my flood dose, I'm 67kg and am planning on taking around 19mg/kg, this is around the middle of the usual dose range for opiate detoxes. The usual dose range is between 15mg and 22mg per kg of body weight. My dose therefore works out to a further 1000mg HCL, 1200mg in total. 

Time to go lie down and wait for it to hit!

I will have had my base line blood pressure and heart rate taken well before this stage and they will be monitored regularly for at least the first 12-18 hours.
Iboga can prolong qt interval and lower blood pressure. This is the reason any provider worth his salt will insist on having an ECG and a full blood panel done beforehand. Most pre-existing heart conditions will unfortunately rule you out of iboga treatment.

If everything goes to plan I'll spend the next eight to ten hours tripping balls haha..
Last time my acute withdrawl symptoms were zilch, nada, zero.. Incredibly, when technically I should be at the peak of withdrawal, iboga takes it all away!

After the initial intense trip comes the so called 'dream state', this can last up to around 36 hours, last time I just laid in bed, I couldn't really talk or move much but I had a general feeling of, well, warmth and security, like the plant spirit had taken me in its arms and was protecting me. I felt safe, not scared, or sick.

By 48 hours I'll be coming round, able to talk and  most importantly over three days clean from opiates!

Iboga has a stimulant effect, one of its original uses by the pygmies was a stimulant and aid to hunting. This means insomnia is par for the course unfortunately.
I'll not be feeling great, it can take a good week to two months to get your energy back. Over the next days and weeks I'll take a booster as required, 200mg of HCL or 400 mg of TA. 
It's usually advised you take a booster on day 7 no matter what. 
The idea is to keep the levels of nor-ibogaine up in the body. (Nor-ibogaine is what ibogaine is metabolised to in the liver and is generally believed to be responsible for the anti craving effect)

Taking more iboga after a flood is the last thing you want to do though, trust me.
This is where having an experienced provider to tell you to take it can be handy!

I'll be posting updates anyway and a few people are trying to convince me to broadcast the flood live over webcam!
I may just do it! Haha

Friday, 3 August 2012

Detox 5, the 'wakeful detox' - Too good to be true?

A friend recently asked my thoughts about 'detox 5', the private, magical, five day (private) heroin detox. 

Detox 5, is a very successful business model, They charge £3200 for an ultra rapid opiate detox (UROD)

The idea being, you go in with a heroin/methadone/subutex/morphine/fentanyl habit and leave five days later clean!.. (note there's no difference between the opiates, they treat for any of them)
Sound too good to be true?!... Read on..

Using a combination of midazolam and naltrexone, you will be 'sedated' whilst precipitated withdrawal is induced using naltrexone. 
They recommend you opt for the (very expensive) naltrexone implant for at least 12 months after your treatment. This is if you even get that far.

I've known maybe half a dozen people that have subjected themselves to D5, all of them left (one halfway through) left treatment and relapsed. 
They have a great hook, I'll grant them that.. A 'comfortable, easy detox'  that you'll barely remember, what isn't so clear as you hand your money over is their version of sedation and yours are likely very different.

It would be too impractical to fully sedate patients. They would need to be fed and hydrated, catheterised both ends etc etc.. all requiring constant monitoring.
Fluids mean IV access, something that requires medical training and constant monitoring. 
Sounds expensive huh? All those doctors and nurses...

In reality you'll actually be medicated orally, given water to drink and food as required. 

Yeah, you're given benzos, but just enough so your still awake enough to talk, use the bathroom and take your meds. 
You'll most likely still piss and shit the bed, conscious but too out of it to get to the bathroom.

On day one your settled in, given a medical and maybe a Valium. 
Day two your given you first dose of midazolam, a very useful benzo usually used for dental work and day patient hospital investigations. 

Your kept 'sedated for a couple of days to start the withdrawal process, if your coming off heroin you'll be at the peak of the detox, methadone? Barely scratching the surface, methadone withdrawal doesn't even really start to kick in for three days, subutex is similar.

As we all know naltrexone is an opiate antagonist. 
It's used to reverse heroin overdoses and is doing pretty much the same thing to you. 
Day three/four you'll get your 'challenge dose'
Your gonna go into precipitated withdrawals. The worst, most acute, painful thing you've ever experienced. Hopefully your sedated enough that you sort of dream your way through it!?
You'll ask to be sedated more, they'll refuse and tell you that you you've reached your maximum allowance.
What do you do? Well nothing, what can you do? Your bowels are liquidising and you feel like your dying but you aint going anywhere! 
Day five is much the same, they titrate your naltrexone up to 'throw' any remaining opiates out. 
Naltrexone has a very short half life do you'll be given a dose every couple of hours. 

You shit and snot your way through four days of hell, semi lucid, the odd five minutes of sleep if your lucky, begging for more sedation and being refused, until you reach day five. Hey, your clean my good sir! 

Yes, all those years of abuse magically washed away!
They stop giving you benzos and as you come around you realise you stink, your still in withdrawals and that the pretty nurse you fancy has spent the last three days wiping your ass. 

'Time to leave, we need the bed' you're told

One day turn around til the next lot on Monday. 

'The doctor needs his weekend off!'

So, I think you get the gist of it. 
It's an overpriced, painful and quite disturbing way to detox. 
If your new to opiates, maybe with only a year or two of using heroin then this may work out for you. 
Any long term junkie with a methadone or subutex habit doesn't stand a chance. 
Methadone takes weeks and months to detox from, not days. You'll be hitting the peak of the withdrawal as they're chucking you out the door...

One friend discharged himself on day three because he wasn't sedated enough and in agony. 
He got in the car and DROVE home! Obviously under the influence of some pretty heavy benzos still. He crashed the car into a lamppost and luckily didn't die. 

I did some digging into the actual company too. They have a pretty dubious history. Very profitable though!

On their own website they state a '97% completion' rate, this is printed in bold on every page, very, very misleading. 
Completion merely means patients that didn't discharge themselves and completed the five days. They're bandying it around like it's an abstinence at 12 months statistic

Dig a little deeper you come across a 70% rate. 
Sounds great doesn't it!?

What that actually equates to though is 70% of the 50% of patients who replied to the survey, attained abstinence for twelve months WITH a naltrexone implant. 
Anyone with an implant is literally unable to get high so yes, they would logically and by default be abstinent. 

50% of the people surveyed didn't respond so we can assume they relapsed. This means we're down to one in three.
These stats by the way, were removed from the site recently. They were well out of date, 2001 I believe.
As I said before, the only statistic they have on the site is the '97% success rate' one, after lots of googling I can't find much more than that, they don't back up this '97%' with any in depth analysis, I find this very telling but make your own conclusions.

They have, through the clever use of meta tags and SEO managed to get themselves onto the first three four pages of google results, most of the other information is from unhappy customers.

Long and short of it?

Unless you've only been using a year I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, let alone pay for the pleasure..!

Here's my alternative, get a load of Xanax, diazepam and some Imodium, get a mate to drop in and check on you ever day, knock yourself out with benzos for three days then go to your gp and ask for oral naltrexone!
Same thing, without the medical staff, rules and regs of a 'rehab' and the £3,200 price tag.. !

Next up I'll be giving you a rundown of 'Narcanon', a U.S based rehab based on the philoshies of Ron L Hubbard. Very interesting it will be too! Lot's of weird stuff goes down at the 'most succesful' rehabs in the states.. Scientology and recovering, detoxing drug addicts? Sounds highly questionable to me!