Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Booster Day

I just took a booster dose.. well I say booster, it's more like an in between booster and flood dose.. Ive got 2000mg TA and am going to split it into 4 or 5 doses over a couple of days.

My ears are starting to buzz as I type.. and the screen is too bright. (The first symptoms you notice when you take it)

The point of all this is to top my nor-ibogaine levels.
Ibogaine converts to nor-ibogaine in the liver and it has a significantly longer half-life to Ibogaine.
A lot of people claim the majority of the 'addiction interrupting' properties are attributable to the nor-ibogaine.

It can hang around in the body for some weeks after flood dosing, which is though to help with cravings post detox.
I've also got some root bark (the raw root powder with all the different alkaloids) left over for after/PAWS

As I've been reading, it seems very important to have an aftercare plan in place after the detox
Be that counselling, yoga, acupuncture or exercise. Group therapy is particularly noted to help.

My problem is that I have no willpower to talk of, and I'm so un-disciplined! And I always have been, not just since starting on heroin.
I really need to work on myself, I need to find a vocation that I actually WANT to do, I'm 31 now and I still haven't a clue what I want to do with my life!

Don't get me wrong, I have worked the majority of my habit, doing jobs as diverse as tree surgery and body piercing, to counselling/key work, and managing bars and clubs.
I'm not aversed to working, I just want to be doing something I believe in.

My passion is music, I'm a grade eight pianist, I play guitar, drums, accordion, some strings. etc...

I would dearly Love to find a career in music but I always talk myself out of it, (self sabotage button again)
But I'm slowly realising that I need to follow my heart if I'm ever going to find any peace and fulfilment!

I need some guidance, I don't help myself, I'm lazy, I'd quite happily watch TV all day, but nothings going to fall into my lap that way..! 

I guess I just need to work out a plan and some life goals... and sharpish... I'm sick of always staying in the same place (psychologically and physically!

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Long Overdue Update!

I've been crap at posing recently, all my energy is going into staying clean right now..!

Its been six weeks I think now? Every day drags, I'm still not sleeping properly, I'm consumed 24/7 thinking about heroin..
I've actually ordered some more Ibogaine, it helps with the cravings, when your on Ibo the last thing on your mind is heroin. I've been going to the obligatory NA meetings, I forgot how elitist and judgemental the people can be!

I sit in them and inevitably feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, gripped with fear, wanting to 'share' but the words won't come out.
It keeps me busy though, gives me a focus and something to do every day.

Unfortunately heroin addiction is a 'chronic relapsing disease' and is incredibly hard to get off and stay off. Although I definitely feel a difference this time to the last time I cleaned up.

Last time I was so determined, I stopped using altogether and tapered off methadone over the next two years!
I had used heroin and methadone for ten years at that point and technically I should have suffered with PAWS. I actually hadn't heard of PAWS then though so maybe that had something to do with it.

I didn't get PAWS, the only symptom I had was severe depression and I'm talking suicidal depression for nearly a year, in fact I'm amazed I didn't relapse. Ibogaine helps a hell of a lot with the depression side of things, I guess I feel flat but I'm definitely not suicidal this time round.

The physical difference this detox is huge, endless low grade withdrawal (PAWS) which really gets to you.
Unfortunately the longer you use opiates every day the more your brain adapts to it. The serotonin/noradrenaline/dopamine pathways actually end up hard wired to a constant flow of opiates and this is what causes all the problems when they're stopped.

It can take up to two years for the brain to re-adjust, which is a very long time to suffer PAWS!
The average is around 3-6 months.

This is just the physiological side of it, physchologically it manifests in 'using dreams' - vivid dreams where I run around scoring, cook up and usually I wake up just as I'm injecting...! It's pure torture!

One of the hardest things is to remain positive, it's all too easy to look back with rose tinted spectacles and forget all the bad stuff about having a habit, all the crap is easily forgotten when your craving... It's so easy to talk yourself into 'just one little hit'

I forget all the times I've spent hours, in tears trying to get a vein, sick, knowing that once the amount of blood vs heroin in the needle reaches a certain point it will clot and the drugs will be lost..
I forget all the hassle of trying to get cash, then waiting around for hours in freezing parks/bus stops or dodgy council estates for a 14 year old on a bike to drop the gear to you.
I forget about the damage I've done to my body from 14 years of injecting, I get pins and needles in my arms, I have no superficial veins in my arms and hands any more so I really feel the cold plus my hands look like boxing gloves!
I forget the pain using causes my loved ones, my long suffering partner who has somehow stayed with me throughout this relapse.

One thing I can say though is although I didn't get the spiritual awakening that a small amount of people that have used Ibogain get, I'm talking about the ones that take it once and never want to use again.
I have found that it is slowly helping me see things a bit more clearly.
It's subtle, when I think about my life now and the reasons I used things seem to make more sense, it's very difficult to describe!

Every year I was on it I would swear to myself that I wouldn't still be using on my next birthday, having a date to work towards helps.
The years are whooshing past faster and faster, I turn 31 in less than a week and have wasted more than half my life using heroin. It makes me sad to think about it but I also know I'm still young enough to do the things I want to do...