Thursday, 22 December 2011


Christmas is always difficult for me, quite apart from my annual drink (a bottle of baileys) and tears with my mum and sisters, on a more practical level... Dealers don't work Christmas day!

Thing's haven't been going too well recently, I was 'let go' from my job, for no particular reason other than the boss got out of giving me my Christmas bonus by sacking me two shifts before the holidays!

I usually spend Christmas in Brighton with my family, most years there's some drama, we're not the most stable bunch!
Every year I have a guilt trip about not being able to afford decent gifts for everyone, this year is worse than most as I was depending on my last two days work, plus bonus to buy gifts, let alone travel fare to get there!

It doesn't look like I'm even going to be able to go now, I can't afford the £30 ticket... (I'm only mentioning the price as I don't understand how British rail can justify charging that much to travel 50 miles!)...  and I don't have any presents for anyone if I did.

I could quite happily stick my fingers in my ears and sing 'nadenadena' till new year actually!

Drug's wise, I'm quite pleased with myself, apart from one slip up a week or so back I've barely used at all!

That's the problem with heroin, once you have experienced that comforting, emotion numbing buzz, it's incredibly difficult to go through life without it!
Every day is a battle with myself to not pick up, it's tedious and often infuriating but as I have to keep telling myself, all I can do is try.
If I'm not trying, I've given in to it and that's not a compromise I'm willing to make.

We will find any excuse to use, I guess most people would think we are most likely to pick up when were feeling down or struggling with something, but feeling crap about things is just one of many triggers,... for me at least.

Years ago when I used to have regular counselling, every fortnight I'd walk out thinking about scoring, in the end I had to STOP the counselling as sitting talking about drugs for an hour was actually making me use!

I often feel like I'm being elitist or judgemental but I can't stand going to the local drug service or hospital, having to sit in the waiting room with addicts talking about drugs or whatever. I don't fit in there!
I've always kept myself to myself when it comes to drugs, addicts seem to be drawn to one another, like some sick magnetic, self destructive opiated mess, I'ts often easier to be together when hustling/scoring I guess..

I've always steered clear of junkie relationships,
I always saw that as a really slippery slope, the last thing I need is a co-dependant junkie boyfriend!

My partner of 8 years, while being far from 'straight edge' has never and would never touch anything like heroin or crack, and I like to keep it that way!

If I'd known I'd be staying in London this year I would have been volunteering for 'crisis at christmas' , they do fantastic work every year, taking in London's street homeless, feeding, bathing and just looking after them for a few days.
Over a few different venue's crisis has doctors, nurses, dentist's, counsellors, alternative therapists etc etc available for free to people living on the streets,.... amazing..!

At 19 I was living in a car park in Brighton, begging every day for food and drug money so I know how shit it is.

One of my most vivid memories was sitting in my sleeping bag, begging, in the pouring rain and just crying and crying, I couldn't understand how people could just walk past a vulnerable, homeless teenager.. and trust me they do!
It's the loneliest place in the world to be, it really is.. Such a cruel world we live in, I got pissed on once by some drunk lads, they thought it was hysterical,... I nearly slit my wrists.

Anyway, on that note ;).... whatever your all doing this year, I hope you have a good one!
Till next  year!

Peace Out..


Saturday, 3 December 2011

Petition to stop the amazing Sarah Glatt from facing police charges!

The petition is this here:

Sara Glatt is one of the best-known ibogaine treatment providers for the Western world. For more than a decade, people from all over the world, suffering from drug dependency were seeking her help in order to concur their addiction. With a high percent of success rate, Sara Glatt was able to help hundreds of people by using the psychoactive substance called Iboga, which effects the complex interactions between multiple neurotransmitter systems and can restore the proper functioning of the brain's neurochemistry. The substance has shown incredible results in treating addiction. In many countries the substance is banned, in the Netherlands this is not the case.
Unfortunately one of the world's most well-known iboga treatment providers is currently facing legal troubles, after a fatal accident on the highroad A2 on 18 March this year, where a man was hit by a truck. The man was suffering from alcohol dependency and soon after he received his treatment, he demanded to leave. The man quickly started getting aggressive towards Sara's youngest daughter, so having her hands tied, she took him out with the car, trying to talk him out of his idea of leaving so early after the treatment. He demanded to be left in a nearby hotel, where later during the same night, Sara had sent a volunteer to check on him. During the visit, the man seemed well, but unfortunately on the following morning news about his accidental death on the highroad was reported back to Sara Glatt.
She is currently facing arrest warrant and legal actions with the Dutch authorities.
What Sara Glatt did was trying to help, the same way she has been helping for over ten years to people who were seeking her help.
A mother of five children, who was legally providing iboga treatments for people, who seek them, should not be held in such a position!

Thursday, 1 December 2011

A letter to me...

If it was possible to write a letter to myself as a child this is what it would probably say….

Dear 10 year old Gary, 

Embrace your feelings of being ‘different’, roll with it, it’s a good thing!
Try to enjoy your childhood!, Stop worrying about growing up so quickly, it’s really not all that…
Something bad is going to happen to you soon, something that will change the course of your life.
Just remember, it’s not your fault!

Dear 11 year old Gary,

You have a big decision to make now… I want you to know that you’re not alone. Tell someone, stop thinking your strong enough to deal with it alone.
When you’re offered counselling, take it!
Don’t worry about telling mum, she will cope, your dad is another story, I know you’re starting to realise already that he’s a crap father, he doesn’t change so get used to it now.
Tell the truth, tell the police the extent of it, not just that one time.. he groomed you for it.
Again… This is not your fault.

Dear 13 year old Gary,

You’re not coping with what’s happened…
You are at the start of a very slippery slope that you will struggle with your whole life if you don’t make a change now.
Rather than smoking bucket bongs and taking speed, talk to someone!
You have worked out by now that you are gay too. It will take you many years to separate your sexuality from the rape.
He didn’t make you gay, you were anyway!
The feelings of guilt are natural, you didn’t ‘lead him on’ or encourage him, he was an adult and you were a child.
You are a sensitive kid and you’re not dealing with the emotions and issues this has bought up. Drugs and drink will be your crutch for the rest of your life and the decisions you make now will affect the extent of damage you will cause in later life.
If I told you that at 31 you would be a heroin addict would you do something about it now?
I wish I could turn back the clock to where you are now and make the right choices. If I could make you understand that no matter how appealing drugs seem right now, you have now spent the majority of your life a heroin addict and you are terribly unhappy.

Instead of desperately trying to prove how grown up you are, spend what little time you have left as a child at home with your family… you’ll wish you had when your older.

Instead of trying to fit in with the ‘gay scene’ just be yourself! Sitting in gay bars, dressing like ‘them’ and sleeping around won’t make you happy. 

Instead of taking as many drugs you possibly can at once, chill the fuck out and go seek out therapy.

Instead of self-harming follow your dreams and keep playing the piano, you’re talented and people will notice that.

Instead of putting yourself in dangerous situations where you will be physically and sexually assaulted again, find some friends that care about you, stop being so fiercely independent and needy.

Instead of seeking out partners with ‘issues’ stop worrying about needing a boyfriend, respect yourself and enjoy your teens!

I'ts a sad thing but you will learn over the years that in general people will take advantage of you, your an easy target, your too trusting, remember not everyone is your friend..

If only I could say all this to you....

One more thing! .... As you have now discovered, you could have claimed compensation for what happened, unfortunately by 2011 the files will have been destroyed and owing to lack of evidence it will be too late to make a claim... This will be the icing on the cake, He took your childhood away, was let free in the court as there wasn't enough physical evidence and would have got on with his life.. Leaving you emotionally scarred and in pain for the rest of your life... 
Like I said, life is shit, you can make it better if you make the right choices while you still can!