Thursday, 20 December 2012

Christmas N Stuff

Hmmm, it's that time of year again.. The time for families to guilt trip each other into spending money they haven't got and everyone sits around wishing they were at home with a pile of gear.. ;)
I usually go to my mums, unfortunately she's working this year so were staying in London. I grabbed the opportunity to go volunteer for 'crisis at Christmas' .. I did it once before years ago, in fact I was a service user one year when I was homeless.. Crisis do great work, they have day centres up and down the country and work to help people who are street homeless.
Every year they do 'Crisis At Christmas' they open day centres across London and provide Christmas dinners, I think they cooked 16000 meals last year!
Besides the food they use a huge team if volunteers to provide healthcare, dentist, addiction key workers, complimentary therapists and counsellor.
This year I've volunteered as an entertainer! I'm playing a one hour set on piano!
I got myself a new keyboard a while back, I'd love to work full time as a pianist, at a piano bar or even session musician.

Music is the only thing I ever really gave a shit about, I've had so many different jobs I've the years! I never really followed my dream if being a pianist because I could t see a career in it for me. I don't have many regrets in my life, even getting on heroin was a huge life lesson.,! I do however, regret not staying at school, I really believe if I'd concentrate more on music I could have gone to an academy or uni to study for a degree, I have my grades up to 6 I think, I play be ear really, I can read music (although I'm really rusty) if I have to, but I picked up piano and guitar by sitting for hours playing and seeing what notes sounded good together! I discovered triads pretty early on :)
Before my friend Cat died she helped me by lending me some money towards buying my keyboard. She believed in me and wanted me to follow my dreams. It's with that in my thoughts that I've contacted goldsmiths to try and get on their music degree course, starting September 2013.
What I'd really like to do is music therapy, the degree will enable me to do a therapy course or just teach, I'd have to sit my grades up to 8 and do an access course too apparently..
It would mean 5-6 years study.. I'd be nearly 40 by the time I qualify! Although I'd be a 40 year old with a degree!
I'm trying to get some direction in my life anyway, it's time to do something I actually want to do I don't think I'm the kind of person that can do a job I hate. I've had some good jobs in my time too. I was the deputy general manager of one of the biggest clubs in London for a couple of years, good money but shit hours and a lot of stress! I'd much rather be teaching someone how to play piano!
I'm doing ok otherwise, I've been quiet this last few months because I've been trying to concentrate on myself. I'm still clean, I still use ibogaine root bark most days. Let me make it clear though, I am in no way dependent on it, physically or psychologically, I ran out a while back and I ended up sitting through some of the most intense cravings I've ever had! I had a couple of using dreams too... I hate them, they're always so vivid, usually I'm running around the streets, hustling up cash, then I go score, get home, cook up, I find a vein, pull back red and do it... That's when I wake up! Expecting a nice warm rush but nothing happens! Haha.. Pure torture! I don't think people who have never gone through opiate withdrawal understand just how intense and insidious the effects of detox can be! When you can't even get a moment of relief in the few hours of sleep you manage to grab things get hard!
I'm still trying to deal with the Facebook group i sort of inherited.. Who knew that as an admin you get so much abuse! I'm taking a break from it all for a few weeks. It all got a bit much, when I gained the admin ship I lost my support group, as an admin it feels there is this unspoken expectation to hold it together and be an inspiration to others struggling with their own recovery. People seem to forget that I'm newly clean myself!
It seems whenever you do good people just can't wait to try and drag you down!.. Or back into using as the case may be.
Just by being the third admin and inheriting full responsibility I gained a bunch of ready made haters and trolls.,! I wish I had a thicker skin, it's a steel learning curve, learning to let shit roll right off your back, I'm a pretty sensitive kinda guy.. It hurts when I, being called a cunt and fag for no other reason that I'm the admin of a support group

Anyways... I hope you all have bearable Christmases!

Here's a link to my (bad) attempt at playing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' on the piano!.. Man that's a hard song to Play! let alone sing 'gallileo gallileo' at the same time! haha

Oh, and if you'd like to sponsor me at crisis, ie donate towards providing the food and services you can do so here...:
Thanks to my family and friends I smashed my first goal of £100 and had to up it to £150!!


micmaster said...

Glad your still clean Sid.

I need some advice. Am on this damn subutex, for 7 years, want to do Ibogaine, how shall I go about it? is it possible to use boosters for withdrawals or acute withdrarawals rather then flood dose? do you any provider about in the UK?


Anonymous said...

you should put links up to other charities that people can volunteer at so that they can help when it's not christmas.

Sid said...

Hi micmaster, yes it's possible to 'micro dose' through withdrawals, with a long acting opiate like subs it takes quite a bit more ibo than just heroin, the doses need to be staggered too. Out of all the opiates Ibogaine struggles most with subutex unfortunately. I've seen quite a lot of success with people using small doses of rootbark whilst they are cutting down they're methadone or sub dose. It really cuts out any wd. I think I made a post about microdosing a while back. If you want to email me i can try and talk you through it if you like. It's def possible. I usually suggest something like splitting a load of bark into 300mg caps and starting with one first thing in the morning. Before your dose of subs. The next day double it. For most people, around 1 gram they notice a big reduction in wd's and ar able to cut down their sub dose much easier. It's possible to taper off completely doing it like this but you won't get the benefit of the 'head cracking' an ibo flood can give you.

Sid said...

Good idea about the charities too :)

Sid said...

Oh and about providers in the UK. I would of suggested one guy but he's just moved from here. I know there are others but I don't have any first hand knowledge or reviews from people I know to go on so I don't want to recommend anyone really. If you want to email me though I can try help you with names etc