Monday, 17 September 2012

It's been nearly a month!

Hi everyone!


Where am I?!

Well, things are ok. It's been nearly a month now since I did another Ibogaine flood.
It's funny looking back at my blog entries over that first week!
I've left them as they are just to show quite how ataxic and clumsy the medicine makes you!
I mean, I don't even remember writing them! Haha..

So, a month...

My Ibogaine 'glow', always seems to last about a week, others report this 'floating on cloud nine' feeling for up to three months sometimes!
I think it must have been around day six or seven I started to feel a bit down, I was also trying to cope with minor withdrawal symptoms.
By minor I mean very low level chills and sweats, goosebumps, diorreah, sneezing etc.
Nothing unbearable, just annoying.
I was using iboga root bark to cope with this which always works very well, unfortunately I ran out!
I had less than I thought as I forgot I'd micro dosed for two weeks leading up to my flood to get my morphine tolerance/habit right down.
On that note, micro dosing co-commitantly with root bark works really well!
I was using up to 1200mg daily, I'd take 900mg (iboga rootbark)upon waking, in place of my morning shot and it worked like a dream!
By using this protocol I managed to easily cut down a 600mg IV morphine habit daily to 100-200mg!
I was also still shooting speedballs nearly every day too and managed to stop that too.
When I say 'easily' I really mean it.
Like, not only was I not in any withdrawal, I was actually high if anything!
Iboga not only potentate's opiates but it also seems to extend the effect.
After a week I was able to drag my first shot of the day out til mid afternoon! Something that just would not have been possible without the iboga.

Using the two together can be dangerous though. In the doses I've mentioned there shouldn't be any issues BUT, if your thinking about doing the same then please do some research first!
Because of the potentiating effect the risk of overdose is increased and this protocol must be used very carefully.

Anyhow, back to my current situation...

As I say, about a week after my flood I was feeling pretty crappy, physically.
I had ran out of bark and was waiting on more to arrive.

I ended up slipping and using once. Strangely, it just wasn't the same as before.
I just didn't enjoy it, like I couldn't get high?..
I've heard others report similar experiences too, not being able to get high after Iboga, or rather the drugs just don't cut the mustard any more.

So I used, once, a speedball...
It was crap, I didn't feel high. It relieved my PAWS for a few hours but more importantly, it really put me off using!
Over the course of three floods now, the way I think about drugs has changed dramatically.
I don't obsess and 'fiend' over them anymore, it's actually quite liberating!
I mean, I've been a live to die  junkie for years! I didn't care about anything, least of all myself!
My health, both mental and physical, just weren't important. I didn't care what damage I was doing to my body and I'm sure I have.
My lungs are terrible and I know that shooting MST for the last two years has taken it's toll.
I'm quite badly asthmatic anyway but after coming off opiates I really noticed just how bad my breathing is.
Lately I keep finding myself short of breath, half a dozen times a day I find myself panicking because I can't catch my breath.. It's terrifying actually!
Opiates suppress the cough and breathing reflex, this is why they are used in cough syrups.
I just plain didn't notice how bad my breathing was!
I've been on about six courses of different antibiotics and oral steroids recently as I was aware I had a chest infection but it just didnt seem to want to shift.
I really noticed suddenly after stopping the morphine that my breathing went back to normal and the chest pains that were being masked by the opiates came to the fore.

I've just finished another course of amoxycillin anyway so fingers crossed I'll get better now.
I even ended up calling an ambulance at 5am the other day I was so panicked because I couldn't breath!

Anyway... Where was I?

Yes.. Nearly a month..!

Aside from the chest and my one very minor slip, I'm still clean!
I've stopped the benzos too, I was taking far more than I thought, the last thing I needed was/is a bloody benzo habit on top of everything else!
I'm even trying to stop smoking at the moment.. Mainly because I physically can't with my chest being so bad but also because I want to, for the first time in my life!
I've cut down from 40 plus a day to like, five or six which is pretty cool.. (I do have three patches on though)

So, to sum things up..

I'm very happy with where I am.
Things may not have gone perfectly to plan, no, I didn't manage to stay 100% clean after my flood, BUT;
I've had a huge shift in my thinking and behaviour!
I'm no longer shooting anything, I've been attending NA andf SMART meetings three or four times a week and even saw a clincal psychologist the other day.
Hes actually really nice, I don't usually get on with psychs, especially male ones for some reason but I like this guy.

I guess it depends on how you define success anyway I guess, in relation to my detox..

In my eyes, I had a minor slip and have since picked myself up, dusted myself down and worked hard at my recovery.

I had some drama recently I could have done without..
I'm a member of a great support group on facebook, it's a closed (ie private) group called Ibogaine Survivors Club 
It's a place I feel safe and can be honest usually but the last few days something happened which really surprised and disappointed me.

Only a few people know about my slip and they're mainly people I know in real life that I felt able to tell.
I made a bad call a few days ago by confiding in another group member who I really thought I could trust.

Unfortunately after telling this person about my slip she decided to take it upon herself to 'out' me.
She literally went from a good friend, saying how happy she was that I felt I could confide in her and did a complete 180!
I was basically emotionally blackmailed.
She said that she could no longer post or share in the group as she didn't want to 'support my lies'
That I'd pushed her out of the group with my dishonesty etc etc..
Anyway, this ended up with me basically saying that I'd leave, which I did (after telling her to go fuck herself and what a nasty person she was)
It was horrible, these people are my friends but I did leave (I'm actually even an admin there) so she could continue to share.
How bad is that right?!

I wrote to the other admins of the group (the actual group 'owners') to tell them everything as I knew she would
Luckily they were not bothered in the slightest and I was talked into returning.
So yeah, she did as I thought and spent the day yesterday messaging the admins trying to get me into trouble.
Unfortunately for her I'd already told them everything so this all ended up backfiring and making her look like a douche and a gossip haha

Actually, the funny thing is that she started the whole thing off, me telling her, by saying in a private message that if she knew I'd relapsed she'd be on a plane to the UK to get some 'proper H' !(She's from Finland, apparently it's nearly impossible to get heroin over there)
It's only because she said that that I felt I could confide in her.
She swore blind that she wouldn't break my confidence!
She's literally spent the last two days messaging people in the group trying to get me into trouble, I've also been told that she's got a screw loose and that she prides herself on her ability to 'take someone down'
She has no qualms about snitching on people to the cops apparently.
I don't think she has anything on me luckily. She does though have my address as she sent me some Ibogaine a whole back.

I really can't be bothered with all this right now anyway, I'm concentrating on myself, staying clean and serene!

The whole thing is awful, of course I wanted to be honest with my support group!, I haven been intentionally lying and enjoying it. Far from it! Fact is its not quite a simple as all that, there is other stuff going on, it's not black and white.

Why all the drama!?

That's it for now

Hope you lot are all good!?
let me know in the comments.. :)



karl said...

Well done for detoxing! A small lapse, if that's all it is is just normal run of the mill stuff, but if you're gonna let all that he said she said stuff get to you (on the net of all places) what chance of you got in the real world ?
Anyway stay strong mate ! Karl X

Sussana said...

Hi Sid. I can understand about other people turning agaisnt you. Ive noticed Ibogaine tends to make you more fiery then you usually are and bad tempered in various numerous situations, it has to something to do with Ibogaine as personally am never an aggressive person, its not the opiates because I never lost my temper in withdrawals or PAWS.

People also get angry abd betray you because they only wish there was a cure out there that would not nake people relapse, after Ibogaine people do tend to relapse, am an example (being honest here), when others relapse it makes you kmind of angry because you think anybody who does Ibogaine shoukd never ever relapse, so then people become disspointed and think investing time and money on Ibogaine can be a lost cause. Thats my experence based on meeting other Ibogaine users.

I also never felt good doing drugs after Ibogaine, but I also never felt good after my flood. I have done 2 flood doses now and on top of that small doses of Iboga, boosters right? yes thats what I have used too, but I couldnt take them all the time as they were setting me back in a way and also stopped doing their job after a while, my body couldnt take it either.

My original doc/opiate was heroin, then methadone, then benzos and finally morphine, the liquid and the caps-zamorphine. Your right its the PAWS which make us relapse. I was in them for bloody 2 months, it is very hard still to stay clean after Ibogaine, now I am taking 120ng worth of codeine and tramadol, it gets me through the PAWS.

I also agree people MUST do research, I tried Iboga in small doses to taper my usage of opiates in the past but I felt terrible the next day, it may help you lower your dose but when you do not take them you do feel terrible, anything that gets you high or minimized symptoms of opiates is bound to give you a price to pay eventually.

Sussana said...

I feel the exact same as you Sid i.e low, depressed, bored and in PAWS. Also my temper being fiery, Ibogaine does tend to do that to people, my glow lasted 3 weeks. People need to be ware that it wont be easy at all and may not even work as you want it to work. I was lucky in the sense I was using morphine but still felt really terrible for months, but unfortunately I still relapsed, I think now the only way to get off properly and not do drugs again it to come off everything either cold turkey or with traditional coping meds. I just cant be asked with rapid detoxes and Ibogaines. The reason why I felt shit when relapsing after Ibogaine was because Ibogaine was still stuck to my receptors, but that didnt stop me craving somewhat, when the glow wear off and I was sure 100% Ibogaine came off from my receptors then the opiates started to break through.

I am an honest person and like others Ive always admitted my mistakes and relapses. When I told someone I relapsed after Ibogaine they got angry too, they never done Ibogaine before and assumed am lying or whatever, people need to realise Ibogaine is not some magic bullet, it does not stop you from relapsing and getting depressed.

If I gave it another 4 months I may have gotten rid of the PAWS? but at the time I didnt have the time as I had to work and pay my bills so had to go on an opiate.

Good luck people in staying clean, it truly is hard work and you truly need to get past the PAWS and depression and whatever comes along the line when the glow wears off, it can take time, a very long time so you gotta be prepared for that. Me personally I could not wait for 10 months or a year to feel half decent.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sid,

Ollie here, try not to let the assholes of this world get you too down as believe me in the end you learned the real truth about someone you believed was a 'friend' and now you no you can get that person out of your life, its better to no now than to be friends with someone who is that kind of horrible person who does not value friendship. You better off without that person in your life.

I am now 10 days without methadone after my iboga treatment with Maria in holland, I feel a bit weird, not sad or happy, my weed use has chilled out a little bit (evan tho that was not really a huge problem for me but still good nun the less lol) and I have not used H or crack in like 11 days. Still getting sneezing, cold chills but it is manageable for sure so far.

Take care man,

Sid said...

Hi everyone!

Yes, I totally agree Iboga is no magic bullet. I've never said anything but.
Sadly it's a myth that's being continued by the less honest providers and clinics.
In a very small percentage of people yes, it can be a one time thing, they have one flood, turn vegan and never touch drugs again. But, this really is the exception to the rule!

My doctor asked me recently 'why do you keep going back to it when it hasn't worked?'
My reply?..
'Well, I know it does!
I wouldn't have borrowed/spent over £3000 on the shit if I didn't believe in it!'..

Iboga relieves my acute withdrawal symptoms completely. Nothing else does, I've been to countless rehabs (20+), tried every traditional medication/taper/detox going and nothing works as well as Iboga.

When it comes to the PAWS like I keep saying, PAWS will be there (if your a long term user) whichever way you detox. Believe me I've done it, I tapered off a 120ml methadone habit and struggled for about a year after. Battling crippling depression etc.
PAWS will most likely rear its ugly head whichever way you detox!

For acute opiate withdrawal, Iboga is the best, easiest, painless detox out there.
When I slipped it was because I wanted to, I ran out of bark, if I'd had enough I'm pretty sure I wouldnt have used.
Like I said though, like the verve song, 'the drugs don't work' anymore.. It's taken me three floods and numerous boosters to get to the stage I just don't want them anymore!

I'll always be honest here, I know people want to hear that it works like a dream, 100% of the time but that's just not the case.

It's been called an 'addiction interruptor' for a reason. It does just that. Gives you some breathing space to change your behaviours.
It's been said that the period post flood is actually more/just as important than the flood itself.
If you change nothing then don't expect Iboga to work. Lower your expectations and don't believe the hype.
My theory is that the aftercare is so important BECAUSE the detox is so easy and pain free!
For this reason a lot of people balance their addiction with Iboga. Using it when they need to get clean. This really isn't the best idea though.

If I'm really honest I felt let down after my flood.
In the period leading up to it i was lead to believe id have all this support in place. That my clean friends would be there, taking me to meetings etc but that just didn't happen.
It felt as though I'd been dropped like a hit rock. Just left to get on with it.
Maybe I shouldnt have expected so much, who knows, I did however learn once again that no one in this life is gonna help you. You do that bit alone.


That's amazing man! I'm so pleased for you!
You have about the same clean time as me then. I'm at day 11/12 I think since my slip.
Have you got any root bark to help get you through?
You have the fact your habit was so short on your side luckily.
Your PAWS should be minimal at the worst.
Bark really helps with the goosebumps and the feeling flat.
There's also been some talk around using another psychoactive plant post flood.
Ayahuasca or truffles/shrooms. Even MDMA has been shown to help.

I'm here if you wanna talk anyway. You have my new no I think.

Take care man, I'm do pleased for you and I hope you keep it up. Take it from me, if you think the withdrawals are bad now, the longer you use for the harder it is to stop. Psychogically and physically. Your short habit is on your side. Take advantage of that and get out while you still can!


Sid said...

That's obviously meant up say 'dropped like a HOT rock'

Missy said...

The acute withdrawals are not the problem for me, thats not why I relapse or turn to drugs, its the damn paws everybody keeps talking about. When I did Iboga i only helped with the hardest of acute withdrawals but I knew in my heart I did not actually need to do that, Ive always gotten past the acute withdrawals with alternatives, even OTC medicines, but its staying clean ,depression and everything else after the initial acute withdrawals which bring people down. I didnt need to spend couple of grand to get past the acute withdrawals, that was my personal mistake. My original docs have been morphine, heroin, darvs (import from online), the acute wds last anywhere between a week or 2 weeks but that to me is the easy bit, its the other withdrawals which make you feel bottom of the world, and I know Iboga doesnt do much for that. I took Iboga in grams for 1 month almost everyday but it seems I bore the side affects. I agree that we should feel very lucky we arent on methadone and other long half life opiates or else we will be wasting our money. Nothing can really help these shitty horrible paws. Am not even a hardcore opiate user for crying out loud, only did them for 1 1/2 years, on and off, always got past the initial acute withdrawals. If I need Iboga to get me past the short term acute withdrawals then think how hard it will be for paws? it would have been much better if something could take away paws or at least minimize them. I dont think support and plans make all that much of a difference psychologically, I think the best support and councilors is ourselves. If your going to work at something then you will do it no matter if your alone or with support, but to say no support and no plans equals relapse is just using an excuse. I think actually that support will be better without iboga because at least you will be use to reality and use to coming off opiates without an interrupter, when coming off Iboga or stopping it you feel back to square 1, that was my experience anyway.

I think people who relapse because of paws need to do it without Iboga, because we cant rely on Iboga all the time, eventually we will have to face the music, so better to get use to it and deal with it rather then let an interrupter give you a breathing space only to realise "wow what now"

Gravediggin' Under the Mancy Way said...

Hey Sid,
Facebook's like that, ain't it just? Bollox to her, you don't need that shit eh?
So, well done for doing so well.
I've felt let down and abandoned by NA folks too: I had all these expectations of support and ill-usions of people being bothered. Unfortunately, I think they had all these impossible expectations of me too, so when I did the opposite of their "suggestions" they felt as let down as I did. Maybe.
I was told by a few folks there that the only way is the NA way: now that's plain wrong too. Different things work for different people.
Some of them have problems with people using ibogaine, there's a definite stance against any type of maintenance, so I'd be really interested to hear about SMART recovery. How's that compared with NA?
I got to the point with NA that I was telling people in there to fuck off. I wasn't doing myself any favours, just getting really frustrated with the whole thing.
Like you say, there's no magic bullet.
And PAWS is a cunt. I read somewhere that if you can do 10 years clean, you've conquered it. What a load of bullshit. Somewhere else it said PAWS can last up to 10 years.
Maybe the underlying issues are the PAWS for me, who knows?
I find any time I'm suffering any type of depression, which is most of the time, the opiate cravings kick in. It's been a lifelong struggle for me with opiates and I reckon it always will be. But hey ho, that's just me.
I find that if I can fill my life with a new obsession, heroin cravings fade. I emphasise, fade. But the obsessive mentality a hard one to beat in itself.
Painting, music, for example:
I'll find myself wanting to paint people shooting up, write heroin-based lyrics.
I got obsessed with Rasta at one point, until the inherent homophobia disillusioned me and the ganja became intensely no more thanks.
Sorry, I'm just ranting on, and sound pretty hopeless but I don't want to be all negative, just exploring other ways to deal with my shit.
Honesty makes sense. You shouldn't have had to pay for it like you did, but you sound like you're doing pretty well, keep the faith in yourself
Vee X

Billy Ocean said...

Congratulations on one month! That is a huge milestone. I remember getting 30 days clean and sober and I realized all I had to do was keep it up. Now I have three years clean and sober as a result of working a program. I originally got help from a great place called New Life House. Check out their website they are a great resource for recovery. New Life House- Structured Sober Living

Anonymous said...

I took my ibogaine 4 days ago and DAMN, What an experience. I have been a fan drugs all my young life and became a slave to methadone for at least 5 years . Ibogaine saved my life. Ibogaine is NOT easy. But I do have a question. Why am I sneezing my ass off all day now afterwards? Is this how we get it out our system, through the lungs?

Sid said...

Hey Anon

The sneezes are a well documented phenomena after Iboga. We don't know why we get them exactly, the body starts to regenerate cells after stopping opiates, particularly mucosal ones. Hence the snot and tears when we detox. Some people love those sneezes haha they say it makes them feel alive.

They will go away, it's a good sign tbh, it's usually one of the last symptoms to occur so you know you're on the mend.

Well done anyway!

If you find you start to feel down or are struggling with paws then you can always use rootbark.
Now is also a great time to take some psylocybin, if you've taken mushrooms before?
I wouldn't if you haven't. But many people say it's the perfect end to an ibo treatment, like a week after, it seems to really compliment the process ;)