Understanding an addicts way of thinking must be frustrating and difficult to comprehend for family, friends and partners.
The problem is that living with an addiction brings a whole host of daily battles that a person without an addiction just can't comprehend.
We have the reputation of being liars and thieves which is difficult to shake even if we ever attain abstinence.
Addiction is a vicious cycle, we all use for different reasons initially, most often to escape something in our lives we cant deal with.
Addicts are often damaged individuals that unfortunately find solace in drugs or alcohol.
Underneath the hard exterior is in most cases a shy, sensitive and kind soul that has had to become hard to survive.
We lie to our loved ones under the misconception of protecting them, we don't want them to worry, or to realise the extent of the grip our drug of choice has over us.
Unfortunately this is seen as dishonesty and they understandably find our actions and words infuriating!
When I don't tell my mum about a relapse it's not because I revel in the lie and deceit it's because I don't want her to worry!
There is nothing she can do to help me and I see no point in her getting upset over something that is out of her control.
Similarly, when I don't admit to my partner that I've used it's because I love him and want to keep our relationship together.
Now from his point of view he would rather I was honest, it's the lies he find most difficult to deal with.
It's not easy being in a relationship where one half has an addiction, from either perspective.
Saying that, in relationships where both parties use, the so called 'co-dependent's', the couple bounce off each-other, relationships like these are destructive and unhealthy and very rarely work out in the long run.
When you live with a physical addiction to a drug it takes over everything, every day needs to be planned, money needs to be made/found, drugs ordered and saved for the morning so you can get up and function.
Nothing will get in the way of making sure you have that supply arranged for that day at least, many people stockpile so they don't have to go through the daily rigmarole..
This unfortunately means that things like maintaining relationships, family events and holidays and even basic things like personal hygiene go out the window when the clock is ticking on the withdrawal.
We know it hurts those around us, but when withdrawal is creeping up on you it has a way of taking over 100% of your thinking, nothing else matters until you have had your hit, then you can go on with your day.
To us our morning dose is like anyone else taking a pee in the morning.. we don't have an option!
After destroying ourselves with the guilt of what we are doing to our families and loved ones and burying our heads further in the sand we usually try and clean up.. people usually fail at first and start to try and justify our using, a lot of addicts come to a stage where they give up trying to get clean and decide that this is they're lot, they will always be on drugs and with this acceptance comes a (false) sense of peace.
We question what exactly the problem is, why can't our loved ones just accept us as we are?
What we don't see in our heroin fog is that to the people that know us best we are like ghosts, shells of our former selves... We are focused on nothing but obtaining and taking our DOC.
We are fundamentally different on drugs, whether we think we are or not!
Essentially taking drugs every day isn't conducive to maintaining close and loving bonds to those around us and we have to accept that to move into a stage where we can start recovering.
Behind the drugs I am a person still, with feelings, emotions, passions and goals in life, balancing an addiction with a relationship is complicated and trying.
Coping with the guilt that comes with the untruths feeds into my using.
It's been said that addicts will find any excuse to use, I'm happy, I have a hit. I'm sad, I use to blot out the pain. I've had some good news, I want a hit to celebrate... etc etc....
Learning to deal with life on it's terms after using drugs for a large majority of ones life is challenging and difficult to achieve.
I want to be clean, and be able to live a 'normal' life, I deserve it and my long suffering partner does too!
Coming to a place where I want to be clean has taken a long time and a lot of heartache, part of my problem has always been my low self esteem, I don't value myself enough to warrant a shot at life.
This mind-set has dogged me my whole life, I wish I knew where it came from!
Superficially I know I'm a good person with a lot to give, I'm gifted musically, I'm kind and have always had a humanitarian, peaceful ethos, but underneath all that, sub-consciously, I have this self deprecating, self sabotaging element of my personality that seems determined to fuck myself over at every opportunity.
I guess this is the root of my problems and is what I probably need to face up to and understand and probably never will without some serious soul searching and probably the help of a psychologist!
I feel I am getting closer to that day all the time though...
I will not stop until I get there, it's not in my nature to give up...fundamentally I am a survivor and I will jump every hurdle and hoop it takes to find acceptance of who and what I am!
