Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Aplogy From My Heart To My Partner

Im not going to edit this post, I wrote this last night after a big argument with my long suffereing non-using partner... I had some hear yesterady that had obviously been cut with some benzos, and I dont just mean valium or temezepam,, Im talking nitrazepam/midazolam ..  I lost about eight hours, couldnt talk, lost my gear, kit and a cheque for £25 that I really needed today... just dissapeared!

Now this is what scares me and pissess me off about our illegal, unregulated supply. It's downright dangerous, i'm not the first to suffer like this and certainly wont be the last... 

I'ts not a nice buz... I dont remember it!
But it caused a massive row with my nearest and dearest... 

I copied the letter below from the government plus the original letter, please edit and send off yourselves!

Cheers, gary

I no have 75 x 300mg rootbark biogaine capsules for the Paws after my flood dose which I'm hoping will get enough,
I;m in real trouble at home, ,my parther is underdstnably at his wits end with it all!
Hes's been incrdibily kind and understanding these last two weeks,even giving me small amounts of Cash everyday to get enought to stop myself getting sick everyday,

I wish he understood it isn;t a choice and when your in active addiction, I hate asking for money, and I feel incredibly guilty taking money out of our savings t spend on drugs that would otherwise go on a treat for him.

Ive got 75 ribogaine rootark capsules here now but it;s not enough for te flood doe.
I;ve triee two times witha flood dosnow, at home, btoht times I got to around seven days and couldnt cope with PAWS,
I wish he understood how how painful it was,  i'm not making up the syptoms because I want to use..he is the love of my lie and I not only wabnt t9o clean uo for him but for me too and my family, I;ve out my partner through so much and im in tears writing this, He has evey right to be angry with me and im not mad with him for being pied with me,,,
I ty to empathise as much as possible how much pain we put our loved ones through, it must be hearth breaking to watch us self destruct, especially when they see me so much potential in us,!
I wish I could wave a magic wand but i can;t all i can do is keep trudging along this incredibly hard road of abstinence and relapse,
I promise I will do it for us, I want to marray you and have a career!

I know how how much Ive out you through and if you need to step back then please don't let me stop you
I love you more than life itself, S



Gledwood said...

Had you taken any iboga when you wrote that? Your spellings were all over the place, just like mine when I'm distraught.

You're lucky having an understanding partner.

A non-understanding partner wouldn't give fuck all money, would nag and nag and treat you like a big whingeing baby, which he isn't doing.

He knew what he was getting into when he took you on, right? So he's taking the rough with the smooth.

If he wants you to be OK he has to play along, and be patient. Very patient.

You know for a long time I had various puritanical ideas of what I "should" be able to do and how things "ought to" work for me. E.g. I believed I should be able to survive on 2 hits a day, 12 hours apart. Yeah that sounds really admirable, but of course it doesn't happen. Just about everyone who uses IV uses every 8 hours, if not every 6 hours.... I won't go on because you know what I'm getting at. All I'm saying is, it took me a long time to accept things as they actually are, rather than the "should be's", the "ought to be's" not to mention murkier bullshit.

If your partner can accept what it took me years as a using junkie to get my head round, he sounds pretty enlightened. Don't let him go!

Of course there are disadvantages of living with a nonusing partner (e.g. having to turn down offers of free all-night crack sessions) but you and I both know it beats hands down the rest of it: the drug-envy, having to hide your stash through fear that if it doesn't vanish or half in size, it'll find itself mysteriously full of vit C... all the pathetic tricks a "loving" druggie partner is apt to pull.

I have one freind, a pensioner now, who used to go up West with her old man to score, he'd get the drugs and while they waited on the tube home she'd turn round and BANG! ~ he was nowhere to be seen. He'd leave her clucking for 3 days and return without so much as an apology.

The grass might be greener on the other side occasionally, but it's also in most cases putrid, rotten mire. Not where you wanna be at all.

You sound like you're doing really well as you are ~ don't ever forget that!


Sid said...

Im not going to edit that, the gear I had yesterday was the 'benzo' stuff that people have been giving 10/10 apparently... I warned my guy today, I lost half a day and a bag :yesterday :(

Sid said...

No, not iboga, benzo laced gear.,, i lost the plot...i lost my £25 cold weather payment that im pissed off about! Fuckknows where that went!

I also chcucked half a bag away and lost the other one!

No thappyy... but prpbably for the best! Scary stuff!

BMelonsLemonade said...

Oh, Sid, my heart goes out to you! I lost the love of my life due to addiction, so I know where your at. My situation was different, as Liam and I both used...but his fucking family intervened, brainwashed him, and I just kept fucking up. He is now married, with a kid to a fucking old friend of mine. I still hate that bitch. And I still miss him. I regret it all for losing the love of my life, which was, by the way...mostly my fault, I guess. I wonder if he ever misses me, or he pretends to still hate me. I thought we were soulmates, but I no longer believe in such things. I am jaded now, I must say...he told me he was leaving to keep from being jaded(just an excuse to get with my friend) and now I am the jaded mother fucker. Life has a sick way of working out sometimes. At the moment, I am happy to be alone, but maybe it is just because I know I can never ever have him back, and if I cannot have that perfection...well, hell...I would rather be alone. Still breaks my fucking jaded little heart, though. Losing him is by far, my biggest regret.