Friday, 10 December 2010

Why staying clean is the hardest of all!

I wish people could empathise a little more with addicts... Honestly, I think at least 90% of addicts had some kind of trauma in childhood.. I know I did..!

I've always worked to support my habit, never robbed anyone.. in fact when I was homeless I used to beg and rent so I didn't have to commit any crimes.

Heroin obviously doesn't just get you physically but also psyhcologically too, when you first start taking it it's amazing, everyone that dabbles in it eventually slides into daily use gradually..

I first started using after moving to London at seventeen, after being sexually abused as a child, and then on a couple of occasions in my teens being raped again, I was running........ i lived on different road protesting sites as a teenager, Newbury bypass, Manchester airport etc..
After moving to London, and having no money, I had a nervous breakdown and was suffering panic attacks and anxiety. This is when I found Heroin.. wow, I could cope!

My every other week giro hit slowly turned into daily use and before I knew it was addicted.. Almost as soon as I started I was trying to clean up, I went to rehab within that first year at least twice.

The CBT element of heroin addiction is the reward system Heroin gives you. when your sick and spent hours trying to score when you actually get there is nothing quite like it!

Because I've used so long its more difficult to stop. The longer you take it the more your brain stops its dopamine production, relying on the Heroin to do that.

This is what causes depression, PAWS etc and in long term users can take years to go away,..

This along with daily cravings makes staying clean incredibly hard, knowing one hit will take the physical pain away is too much to bear!

I made a list of reasons to use and not to, it wasn't till after that I realised not one of the reasons for staying clean are about me! Its all.. for my partner, no veins left.. etc

What does that say about me?

I know I have a real persecution complex, and am the worst at sabotaging my own recovery, the amount of times I've come out of rehabs almost clean and gone home and scored.. it's almost as though I can't allow myself to be happy... I know I have to sort this out but every counsellor/consultant psych I've ever had has been unable to help me get to the root of it.

They always say, 'you seem to have a very god understanding of your destructive behaviours' or ' your very eloquent and obviously have good insight, you just need to work out how to change'

I've given up on mental health providers., no-one seems able to help me, I'm thirty now, I want a change...!

So i'll battle on, i'm ordering more Ibogaine Monday so I can take a small daily dose to keep the cravings away..

I'm also up for being someones sitter, if they were interested in doing the treatment... get in touch if you want some advice on Ibogaine detox..

Peace out


Anonymous said...

much respect sid.I just wrote you a long comment and the computer lost it,damn...short and long of it is am fascinated and can you tell us more about the actual experience?How low on meth did you get bfore you could take ibogaine?Annie.

Sid said...

Hey Annie,
Thats a shame you lost the comment!

You can actually take Ibogaine on methadone or not.. theres no hard and fast rules, ive heard of people coming off 100+mls a day with it... alebeit with more ibogaine stretched out over a week or so to cover all the methadone half life.

I waited till I was in full withdrawals before I took it, and within an hour you can feel it starting to work, you get a buzzing in your ears and become photophobic.

The withdrawals stop as soon as it starts working as it somehow fills the opiate receptors whilst kicking off any heroin/methadone.

The first four hours are the most intense and you will probably throw your guts up, people report visions, usually processing childhood trauma, which is really interesting and seems to be a key mechanism in people recovery.

I didnt have any major visions unfortunately, the next 24 or so hours your just sort of in a vegetive state.. cant really move, it takes a week to fully recover. You probably wont sleep much in that time, it really takes it out on you, hence why people that take it have to be otherwise fit and healthy.

If your a smoker, cigarettes taste like an ashtray afterwards so it works on the nicotine receptors too

Hope that helps!