Wednesday, 15 December 2010

One day at a time...

Cliche I know... sometimes it's minute by minute!

I haven't used for nearly a week though!

The hardest part, besides the constant PAWS, is filling the space left where the drugs used to be!
When your life has revolved around finding cash, scoring, using, every day for many years, when you stop your mind is still filled with using thoughts!

Heroin has a way of getting to you at every possible oppourtunity! Even when I get small bits of broken sleep I dream about it! Literally, scoring, cooking up and injecting, only to wake up and realise its just a dream! It's torture!

I have the added problem of having been an injector, I have a needle fixation, I part-time tattoo and body pierce and have always been into needles and anything medical.
When I was younger and more rebellious, piercing and tattooing myself was a constructive form of self harm for me.. when I was 16 I started to pierce myself and was covered within a few months!

I need more Ibogaine.. Iv'e been advised to take a small daily dose for as long as I need it to keep the cravings and PAWS away.. Iv'e orederd some and I should have it by the end of next week so it's just a waiting game now!

I need a distraction, im scared of exchanging one addiction for another. when I cleaned up a few years ago I developed a ketamine habit within 18 months..I was taking up to 4 grams a day by the end of it, I even went to rehab for it! Unfortunately theres not much you can do for a K head, in rehab they just dosed me up to the eyeballs with diazepam for the anxiety.. didn't work.

I ended up using heroin again, and stopped the K instantly...

Why is addiction so complex!? Why is there no magic bullet?!

Ibogaine is the nearest thing we have and I intend to use it as long as is takes to keep me safe.. my mother has actualy offered to buy me some for a christmas present!

1 comment:

Gledwood said...

Bloody hell you used a lot of ketamine!! My ex and I went through a ketamine phase and used it nearly every day for a month or more. But nowhere near 4000mg a day! We were on a few hundred (in Ketavet bottles, dried and snorted).

They don't call that stuff Tekno Smack for nothing.
I suppose you know that TEKNO backwards is ON KET..?
I far preferred that stuff to LSD. Nobody can walk into your K trip for one thing. You don't have to cross a road on K. You don't have to deal with things. That's what I absolutely hated about acid, the confluence of acid and the real world. I just couldn't handle that one.

Now be honest have you used since you posted this? I just realized your date was quite near to mine.

And as I said in that other comment you'll probably read together in moderation, my own nutter experience was quite similar to Ibogaine anyhow. And I came out of it with a gear aversion. I'm not just using a turn of phrase when I say I'd rather go nuts again than back on heroin. Heroin was just low-grade misery for years and years. I never came off it in a decade, apart from a tiny window involving Subutex. Methadone never ever stopped me using on top. Ever.

A bitch worker put screws on me to stop injecting so I lied. If she'd ever listened to me she'd know I'd long stopped going in my arms. But she never listened. So when she said OK show me your arms then, they were creamy and fresh and utterly convincing, ha ha ha! Fucking give up needles. I am right with you on that one. If I give up needles, I give up gear. Also smoking has such a strong taste-smell component, which kicks off the memory and addiction is fuelled by memories I think smoking is just about the most stupid and inappropriate advice for someone like me. I really have issues with that clinic. I want to make some money just so I can go private, I'm sick to the back teeth of them.

PS happy tattooing!!! I can do Chinese and Japanese btw. Well enough to spell out names/etc. I always thought I'd make a brilliant tattoist/assistant with that knowledge, know what i mean...