Saturday, 11 December 2010

One day at a time...

Cliche I know... sometimes it's minute by minute!

I haven't used for nearly a week though!

The hardest part, besides the constant PAWS, is filling the space left where the drugs used to be!
When your life has revolved around finding cash, scoring, using, every day for many years, when you stop your mind is still filled with using thoughts!

Heroin has a way of getting to you at every possible opportunity! Even when I get small bits of broken sleep I dream about it! Literally, scoring, cooking up and injecting, only to wake up and realise its just a dream! It's torture!

I have the added problem of having been an injector, I have a needle fixation, I part-time tattoo and body pierce and have always been into needles and anything medical.
When I was younger and more rebellious, piercing and tattooing myself was a constructive form of self harm for me.. when I was 16 I started to pierce myself and was covered within a few months!

I need more Ibogaine.. I've been advised to take a small daily dose for as long as I need it to keep the cravings and PAWS away.. I've ordered some and I should have it by the end of next week so it's just a waiting game now!

I need a distraction, I'm scared of exchanging one addiction for another. when I cleaned up a few years ago I developed a ketamine habit within 18 months..I was taking up to 4 grams a day by the end of it, I even went to rehab for it! Unfortunately there's not much you can do for a K head, in rehab they just dosed me up to the eyeballs with diazepam for the anxiety.. didn't work.

I ended up using heroin again, and stopped the K instantly...

Why is addiction so complex!? Why is there no magic bullet?!

Ibogaine is the nearest thing we have and I intend to use it as long as is takes to keep me safe.. my mother has actually offered to buy me some for a Christmas present!


BMelonsLemonade said...

A K habit? oooooh, what a nasty habit that must have been. I have taken too much K on several occasions, and I am not sure I would have survived a K habit without killing myself....

BMelonsLemonade said...

Also, I want to say that those cravings will eventually go away. Do what you need to until then. I don't know much about ibogaine, but I do know a lot about quitting dope. I have been clean for over for years now. The cravings do, eventually go away. Hang in is worth it. (Although, I would not have believed that for the first year, at least...)

Sid said...

Yeah, I didn't realise you could even become dependent on ketamine! It's actually becoming more of a problem in the UK at least, ketamine and mephedrone addiction.

Thanks for the support, I really appreciate the kind comments, I did get about 18 months clean from heroin a few years back so I know it's possible, the PAWS didn't last this long last time though, that's what's really getting to me at the moment, as soon as my Ibo arrives though I'll be fine!

This is another reason for this blog though, to get the word out about Ibogaine.. and the lack of UK providers, I really want to hook up with others interested in it and Im more than willing to support other people wanting to use it to detox.

I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you guys in the hurricane!
I do remember thinking at the time I wonder what the junkies are doing!? .. struggling by the sounds of it!

We've had a Europe wide heroin drought on in the UK for the last 6-8 weeks, long term addicts have called it the worst drought in thirty plus years! I know I've never known it this bad in my fourteen years using.

There are many theories about the cause of it, but it seems to be a combination of a poor harvest this year where a lot was lost to poppy blight. Coalition forces burning stockpiles of opium, and a string of major busts at UK ports.

A lot of people have used the opportunity to get clean though so as awful as it was I guess it was also a good thing!

Well done you on your clean time! Ill be catching up with you soon!


konner said...

Hi Sid..Do u need to take ibogaine all the time if u dont want paws? eventually u have to quit yourself dont u without anything..I know few ppl who did ibogaine and all of them say the paws come back eventually..From ppl who do heroin to methadone and subutex.

Am on subutex for abt 6 years and need some tips, i want to pruchase ibogaine but dont know how, there is a site which sells ibogaine hcl but i dont knoow to take it..How do i mail u?

Sid said...

Hey Konner,

You dont need to take it forever, if your a long term opiate user you will need to take more than someone with a short habit.

After you do the flood dose and detox you will probably need boosters and if your suffering with PAWS and cravings you can take a small daily dose for as long as you need to .. but everyones different!

email me ...

Sid said...

Let me know how much you weigh in Kilo's

Also it's really important your fit and healthy, ie, no prior heart problems, liver or lung disease..

konner said...

what is a flood dose? sorry am not too familiar with Ibogaine..I just hear it's a treatment which can help PAWS but not sure for methadone and subutex and other long acting opiate if it helps.

P. I mailed u Sid.

konner said...

Oh am about 5'9 and weight about 13 stones I think..But am very active and keep fit..I do smok ciggerated and do have energy..I do lot of sports too so keeping fit is not an issue for me.