My life feels like a merry go round sometimes. Only one that never stops to let you off!
Every new year and every birthday I promise myself 'not another year, this has to stop now and yet the next year here I am again, looking back at my own reflection with another years worth of lines and the beginnings of grey hairs.
I've been doing this ritual since I was seventeen. I guess things are better, im nowhere near as bad as I have been. Since my last Iboga flood I seem to have lost that obsessing for drugs thing. That's a relief and a novelty to be frank. I'm obviously not in the small percent of people that take Iboga and detox never to touch or crave drugs again.
I have to keep telling myself, it's not perfect but it's better. This time last year I was shooting crushed MST, plus heroin and crack on top. I do none of those anymore!
Actually, shooting the MST for so long has really left me with some quite scary health problems.
I wish I was better at taking my own advice sometimes. It's like I hear the words coming out my mouth when I'm trying to help others but I'm fucked if I can actually follow it myself!
I took a break from the big Facebook group I admin over the holidays. Since the creators and co admins, Cat Asche & Chris Bava died so unexpectedly last September in that awful car crash I've been trying to hold the group together. I was the only other admin in the group. I guess I felt responsible, and to a large extent, invested in the group. I've been a member for a few years, I've made some amazing friends there too, people that I'd say I'm closer to than people in my real life. I've witnessed some incredible acts of kindness happen there. From letting people stay at others homes, gifting ibogaine, donating towards members in hardship and just general support really. I mean there have been quite a few hairy moments with in fighting and tantrums but on the whole I love them all. Since Chris & Cat died the group has been in turmoil really. People jostling for a new position in the group, a lot of 'well I know what Chris and Cat would have said/wanted/done/agreed/disagreed with' etc.. Almost like a popularity contest at times. I've struggled at times because by taking over the role I seemed to automatically make a load of enemies. People that I've never met or spoken to suddenly abusing me and slandering me. All very bizarre and quite hurtful really, it's a strange thing, being an admin in such a large group of very bold personalities. It seems people view me as 'in authority' or something. I've been accused of being egotistical and power hungry, of only being interested in telling everyone I'm gay, of hating women and wanting to turn the group into my private domicile. Chris was excellent at refereeing, when arguments arose it often only took a paragraph from Chris and everyone would settle down. Because he was so patient and endlessly compassionate, he was able to placate people and settle any disputes whilst simultaneously being fair at all times, to both parties. He was wise, he cared and he had the time to spend every day having multiple pm's with people. There's no way I could ever love up to that! I wouldn't even try. In the weeks after they passed I spent days worrying about how best to continue the group, I came to the conclusion id need co-admins to help with the workload, vetting join requests and general day to day stuff. Chris used to pm new requests just to check them out briefly, the group has a huge proportion of silent members. I did the same, this would very often end up in long conversations about ibogaine and dosing and recovery, it really is a lot of work behind the scenes. Chris very rarely censored comments or booted anyone, it took a lot for him to remove someone. The problem is that he is obviously no longer with us, it seems that the previous light handed, laid back method of adminship no longer works. People seem to now think it's ok to troll, to offend other members with name calling and get away with it. In my opinion, part of my role is to keep the group safe and a place where anyone can ask for help. I did notice a drop in the amount of these kind of posts and a rise in the obnoxious, silly ones. This is why I think I might need to discuss with the group the possibility of some new small rules about abusing other people. It's not nice and it's not fair. There was an issue a few weeks back, a member that had been in the group a long time but rarely contributed was becoming abusive to a new member. She was obviously high, it was escalating, she was offering bad advice and offending other members so I stepped in and booted her. I pm'd her to say 'I took you out for 24 hours, your welcome to come back when you've calmed down' ... Well, the abuse I got was unreal, I was a cunt and a faggot, a women hater. I mean really vile stuff. Anyway, she went on to slander me in her group but that's another story! I thought it had blown over until people kept bringing it up in my group 'Sid booted her too early, I wasn't finished with her' etc.. This was just the most recent in a long line of unfair comments aimed at me, comments I'd let go for the sake of peace, and that as an admin I felt I should be somewhat impartial. That's why I left anyway, it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. It was quite liberating actually, I felt free of the responsibility for a short time. People forget I think that I'm only a few months into recovery myself, I'm not the strongest person in the world and I don't have a thick skin (all necessary traits for a good admin apparently!) ... I heard the odd report of what's been going on, I was really quite shocked at the latest drama though! One of the older members had taken it upon herself to start some group polls. With the following questions posed: Should we boot out the current admins.? Another one asking: Should we all get a say in group decisions? .. Now, there is a reason the group isn't asked to vote on things like this, it would be a nightmare for one! 600 people voting Everytime a group picture was changed, or which posts are pinned. It would be silly, Chris himself said as much, 'the ISC is not a democracy, if you don't like it, leave'. I've no objection to the group having input but not to that extent. It's a closed group with admins, not an open group where everyone has equal privileges. Anyway, the polls flopped, the votes against her were 18 to 10 I believe, at which point she herself deleted them! ... The next thing we hear, she's started her own 'secret' group called 'ISC2'! With the 'about' saying 'this is the new ISC, for those jumping ship as its now falling apart' .. She then added 60 odd people without asking them, included in that list were Cat and Chris themselves and Chris's elderly mother! The whole thing is sick actually. I've no problem at all with splinter groups, nor did Chris! He in fact encouraged people to, and would join them and contribute! My issue is with the underhand and nasty way she's done this. It's so disrespectful to Chris and Cats memory, and legacy! Right now people are practically begging me to come back, I have rejoined, lets hope things get better. The ISC used to be such an amazing group and it would be very sad for the few louder members, claiming to be the majority, to destroy it.
That's all for now! I needed to vent.
Happy new year to you all!