Thursday, 1 December 2011

A letter to me...

If it was possible to write a letter to myself as a child this is what it would probably say….

Dear 10 year old Gary, 

Embrace your feelings of being ‘different’, roll with it, it’s a good thing!
Try to enjoy your childhood!, Stop worrying about growing up so quickly, it’s really not all that…
Something bad is going to happen to you soon, something that will change the course of your life.
Just remember, it’s not your fault!

Dear 11 year old Gary,

You have a big decision to make now… I want you to know that you’re not alone. Tell someone, stop thinking your strong enough to deal with it alone.
When you’re offered counselling, take it!
Don’t worry about telling mum, she will cope, your dad is another story, I know you’re starting to realise already that he’s a crap father, he doesn’t change so get used to it now.
Tell the truth, tell the police the extent of it, not just that one time.. he groomed you for it.
Again… This is not your fault.

Dear 13 year old Gary,

You’re not coping with what’s happened…
You are at the start of a very slippery slope that you will struggle with your whole life if you don’t make a change now.
Rather than smoking bucket bongs and taking speed, talk to someone!
You have worked out by now that you are gay too. It will take you many years to separate your sexuality from the rape.
He didn’t make you gay, you were anyway!
The feelings of guilt are natural, you didn’t ‘lead him on’ or encourage him, he was an adult and you were a child.
You are a sensitive kid and you’re not dealing with the emotions and issues this has bought up. Drugs and drink will be your crutch for the rest of your life and the decisions you make now will affect the extent of damage you will cause in later life.
If I told you that at 31 you would be a heroin addict would you do something about it now?
I wish I could turn back the clock to where you are now and make the right choices. If I could make you understand that no matter how appealing drugs seem right now, you have now spent the majority of your life a heroin addict and you are terribly unhappy.

Instead of desperately trying to prove how grown up you are, spend what little time you have left as a child at home with your family… you’ll wish you had when your older.

Instead of trying to fit in with the ‘gay scene’ just be yourself! Sitting in gay bars, dressing like ‘them’ and sleeping around won’t make you happy. 

Instead of taking as many drugs you possibly can at once, chill the fuck out and go seek out therapy.

Instead of self-harming follow your dreams and keep playing the piano, you’re talented and people will notice that.

Instead of putting yourself in dangerous situations where you will be physically and sexually assaulted again, find some friends that care about you, stop being so fiercely independent and needy.

Instead of seeking out partners with ‘issues’ stop worrying about needing a boyfriend, respect yourself and enjoy your teens!

I'ts a sad thing but you will learn over the years that in general people will take advantage of you, your an easy target, your too trusting, remember not everyone is your friend..

If only I could say all this to you....

One more thing! .... As you have now discovered, you could have claimed compensation for what happened, unfortunately by 2011 the files will have been destroyed and owing to lack of evidence it will be too late to make a claim... This will be the icing on the cake, He took your childhood away, was let free in the court as there wasn't enough physical evidence and would have got on with his life.. Leaving you emotionally scarred and in pain for the rest of your life... 
Like I said, life is shit, you can make it better if you make the right choices while you still can!


Mick said...

Hi Sid.

Do you think if you was not sexuallly abused you would be straight? or was it case of this sexual abuse happening to anyone albeit gay, straight and teansgered.

Sid said...

No, I was definately gay anyway, that's what took me many years to work out and deal with...

Mick said...

Did you ever sleep with a woman? were you ever bi? the thing with me is am having feeling towards men aswel as women, its been like this for a while.

Is it also true some people who get abused by the same sex turn gay that way but that stems from behavioural rather then be naturally gay?

Sid said...

Yep, just a few, trust me, it's not for a lack of wanting to find women attractive.. I just don't!
The few girls I have slept with have been real tom boy types too!

.. I think a lot of homophobia still comes down the the (incorrect) assumption that we choose to be gay! I mean.... really???

Why else would men get married, have kids and suffer their whole lifes knowing they are living a lie?

I also believe though that sexuality is fluid, I think peoples tatstes change.
Saying that, Iv'e always looked at sexuality as a sliding scale, I honestly believe that some people are 100% hetrosexual and some are 100% homosexual, I think most people are somehwere on that scale.

I'm also not you cliche, stereotypical gay and never have been, in fact camp gays make me feel quite ill, and angry that they reinforce what the public perceive all gay men are like..

I'm not, you probably would'nt even think I was if you met me. Im covered in tattoo's, have worked as a builder/roofer, im a heroin addict and do my best to stay well away from the gay 'scene'!

I have no time for camp, bitchy, shallow gays...

I hate the fact that most gays define their whole personality around the fact they are gay..
Me?.. Im Gary, my sexuality is such a small part of my life.

I have no stats on the amount of abuse victims that turn out gay, but I believe the majority are straight (which thinking about it must be even more traumatic a thing to deal with!

Sid said...

I did get some revenge in a small way once, I was working in a tattoo shop in Brighton at the time, I must have been 17.
We were stood outside the shop having a cigarette break when he pulled up at the traffic lights right outside the shop! He's a member of St John's Ambulance (that's how the abuse originally happened, I used to play in the brass marching band, and he was the band leaders son and used to pick me up and walk me to practise once a week)
He was driving the ambulance that stopped at the lights and had passengers either side of him.
I walked straight up to him, pointed at him and said to his work mates 'this guy here, John ****, raped me when I was 11 years old on the way to band practise one night.. watch him' ... You should have sen the look on his face!! .. As the lights changed and he drove off I had a maddive sense of satisfaction as I thought... talk yourself out of that one mate! Haha!

Anonymous said...

hi sid,

i did an ibogaine detox, also went to detox 5, methadone, subutex and a couple of times i chained myself up and swallowed the key..all in the hope of kicking the habit.
I would love to talk to you more as I feel you have a lot of issues. Unless those underlying issues are resolved, i do not think anykind of detox will work.
Are you spiritual or open minded at all ?
I'm so happy i found your blog, you have made me think about starting one.

Sid said...

Hi Anon.. I certainly have issues! Haha..

Iv'e seen countless therapists/counsellors/psychotherapists etc.. no one has ever seemd to be able to help.

I also went and studied and got a diploma in counselling and psychotherapy when I was clean for a few years.

I always seem to be told things like.. 'you seem to have a good insight into your personality' .. or 'your very eloquent and open about what happened to you'

Well.. gee thanks, but that doesnt help!

Anonymous said...

Hi sid, i've started a blog, please be the first to join it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sid,
thanks for joining my blog :-) i just wanted to ask you how do i go about getting people to read my blog ?
also i've noticed that you and loads of others use something where you tag words at the end of the blog, can i ask how that works please.

Sid said...

Hi Kate, it's just a case of writing and leaving comments on other peoples blogs.. you can put links up on other sites to your blog too.. it just takes time.. Ive only had this blog for 18 months I think but average 2000 hits a month, which isnt much but pretty impresive its just about a junkie!

The tags is a box at the end of the new post page, just put keywords in there from that particular post.. you can then put a box on the side of your blog that links those tage directly to each post.

Theres no point paying to register the site woth search engines, but there are some free ones, google constantly searches the web updating its cache, thats why my blog now comes up high in the list when you search heroin ibogaine blog...

It just takes time im afraid..

Anonymous said...

Hey Gary. Reading your blog is like looking back at my own life and how I became a heroin addict. I was abused my my cornet teacher (I played in the brass band he ran) then raped by a piano teacher.
I could have been a professional musician but heroin became my sustenance. The only thing to relieve the symptoms, you know what I'm talking about.
I always knew I was gay since being a little kid (I'm a girl btw) but I guess it's internalized homophobia, fear or fuck knows what kept me enabling myself to be abused over and over by men.
I've tried everything too:
anger management
self esteem
feel the fear (and relapse anyway...)
Had a few years clean but just substituted weed and alcohol, so clean schmeen, right? Then the opium tea, opiate tablets, heading back to needle alley if I don't fix this without a fix...but how?
I'm a writer too. When I set up a blog I'll drop you a line. You sound pretty kindred in the spirit sense to me; your words touch my soul :)
Bless ya & stay safe