A letter to me...

If it was possible to write a letter to myself as a child this is what it would probably say….

Dear 10 year old Gary, 

Embrace your feelings of being ‘different’, roll with it, it’s a good thing!

Try to enjoy your childhood!, Stop worrying about growing up so quickly, it’s really not all that…

Something bad is going to happen to you soon, something that will change the course of your life.

Just remember, it’s not your fault!

Dear 11 year old Gary,

You have a big decision to make now… I want you to know that you’re not alone. Tell someone, stop thinking your strong enough to deal with it alone.

When you’re offered counselling, take it!

Don’t worry about telling mum, she will cope, your dad is another story, I know you’re starting to realise already that he’s a crap father, he doesn’t change so get used to it now.

Tell the truth, tell the police the extent of it, not just that one time.. he groomed you for it.

Again… This is not your fault.

Dear 13 year old Gary,

You’re not coping with what’s happened…

You are at the start of a very slippery slope that you will struggle with your whole life if you don’t make a change now.

Rather than smoking bucket bongs and taking speed, talk to someone!

You have worked out by now that you are gay too. It will take you many years to separate your sexuality from the rape.

He didn’t make you gay, you were anyway!

The feelings of guilt are natural, you didn’t ‘lead him on’ or encourage him, he was an adult and you were a child.

You are a sensitive kid and you’re not dealing with the emotions and issues this has bought up. Drugs and drink will be your crutch for the rest of your life and the decisions you make now will affect the extent of damage you will cause in later life.

If I told you that at 31 you would be a heroin addict would you do something about it now?

I wish I could turn back the clock to where you are now and make the right choices. If I could make you understand that no matter how appealing drugs seem right now, you have now spent the majority of your life a heroin addict and you are terribly unhappy.

Instead of desperately trying to prove how grown up you are, spend what little time you have left as a child at home with your family… you’ll wish you had when your older.

Instead of trying to fit in with the ‘gay scene’ just be yourself! Sitting in gay bars, dressing like ‘them’ and sleeping around won’t make you happy. 

Instead of taking as many drugs you possibly can at once, chill the fuck out and go seek out therapy.

Instead of self-harming follow your dreams and keep playing the piano, you’re talented and people will notice that.

Instead of putting yourself in dangerous situations where you will be physically and sexually assaulted again, find some friends that care about you, stop being so fiercely independent and needy.

Instead of seeking out partners with ‘issues’ stop worrying about needing a boyfriend, respect yourself and enjoy your teens!

I'ts a sad thing but you will learn over the years that in general people will take advantage of you, your an easy target, your too trusting, remember not everyone is your friend..

If only I could say all this to you....


One more thing! .... As you have now discovered, you could have claimed compensation for what happened, unfortunately by 2011 the files will have been destroyed and owing to lack of evidence it will be too late to make a claim... This will be the icing on the cake, He took your childhood away, was let free in the court as there wasn't enough physical evidence and would have got on with his life.. Leaving you emotionally scarred and in pain for the rest of your life... 
Like I said, life is shit, you can make it better if you make the right choices while you still can!