It's been nearly a month!

Hi everyone!

So,

Where am I?!

Well, things are ok. It's been nearly a month now since I did another Ibogaine flood.
It's funny looking back at my blog entries over that first week!
I've left them as they are just to show quite how ataxic and clumsy the medicine makes you!
I mean, I don't even remember writing them! Haha..

So, a month...

My Ibogaine 'glow', always seems to last about a week, others report this 'floating on cloud nine' feeling for up to three months sometimes!
I think it must have been around day six or seven I started to feel a bit down, I was also trying to cope with minor withdrawal symptoms.
By minor I mean very low level chills and sweats, goosebumps, diorreah, sneezing etc.
Nothing unbearable, just annoying.
I was using iboga root bark to cope with this which always works very well, unfortunately I ran out!
I had less than I thought as I forgot I'd micro dosed for two weeks leading up to my flood to get my morphine tolerance/habit right down.
On that note, micro dosing co-commitantly with root bark works really well!
I was using up to 1200mg daily, I'd take 900mg (iboga rootbark)upon waking, in place of my morning shot and it worked like a dream!
By using this protocol I managed to easily cut down a 600mg IV morphine habit daily to 100-200mg!
I was also still shooting speedballs nearly every day too and managed to stop that too.
When I say 'easily' I really mean it.
Like, not only was I not in any withdrawal, I was actually high if anything!
Iboga not only potentate's opiates but it also seems to extend the effect.
After a week I was able to drag my first shot of the day out til mid afternoon! Something that just would not have been possible without the iboga.

Using the two together can be dangerous though. In the doses I've mentioned there shouldn't be any issues BUT, if your thinking about doing the same then please do some research first!
Because of the potentiating effect the risk of overdose is increased and this protocol must be used very carefully.

Anyhow, back to my current situation...

As I say, about a week after my flood I was feeling pretty crappy, physically.
I had ran out of bark and was waiting on more to arrive.

I ended up slipping and using once. Strangely, it just wasn't the same as before.
I just didn't enjoy it, like I couldn't get high?..
I've heard others report similar experiences too, not being able to get high after Iboga, or rather the drugs just don't cut the mustard any more.

So I used, once, a speedball...
It was crap, I didn't feel high. It relieved my PAWS for a few hours but more importantly, it really put me off using!
Over the course of three floods now, the way I think about drugs has changed dramatically.
I don't obsess and 'fiend' over them anymore, it's actually quite liberating!
I mean, I've been a live to die  junkie for years! I didn't care about anything, least of all myself!
My health, both mental and physical, just weren't important. I didn't care what damage I was doing to my body and I'm sure I have.
My lungs are terrible and I know that shooting MST for the last two years has taken it's toll.
I'm quite badly asthmatic anyway but after coming off opiates I really noticed just how bad my breathing is.
Lately I keep finding myself short of breath, half a dozen times a day I find myself panicking because I can't catch my breath.. It's terrifying actually!
Opiates suppress the cough and breathing reflex, this is why they are used in cough syrups.
I just plain didn't notice how bad my breathing was!
I've been on about six courses of different antibiotics and oral steroids recently as I was aware I had a chest infection but it just didnt seem to want to shift.
I really noticed suddenly after stopping the morphine that my breathing went back to normal and the chest pains that were being masked by the opiates came to the fore.

I've just finished another course of amoxycillin anyway so fingers crossed I'll get better now.
I even ended up calling an ambulance at 5am the other day I was so panicked because I couldn't breath!

Anyway... Where was I?

Yes.. Nearly a month..!

Aside from the chest and my one very minor slip, I'm still clean!
I've stopped the benzos too, I was taking far more than I thought, the last thing I needed was/is a bloody benzo habit on top of everything else!
I'm even trying to stop smoking at the moment.. Mainly because I physically can't with my chest being so bad but also because I want to, for the first time in my life!
I've cut down from 40 plus a day to like, five or six which is pretty cool.. (I do have three patches on though)

So, to sum things up..

I'm very happy with where I am.
Things may not have gone perfectly to plan, no, I didn't manage to stay 100% clean after my flood, BUT;
I've had a huge shift in my thinking and behaviour!
I'm no longer shooting anything, I've been attending NA andf SMART meetings three or four times a week and even saw a clincal psychologist the other day.
Hes actually really nice, I don't usually get on with psychs, especially male ones for some reason but I like this guy.

I guess it depends on how you define success anyway I guess, in relation to my detox..

In my eyes, I had a minor slip and have since picked myself up, dusted myself down and worked hard at my recovery.

I had some drama recently I could have done without..
I'm a member of a great support group on facebook, it's a closed (ie private) group called Ibogaine Survivors Club 
It's a place I feel safe and can be honest usually but the last few days something happened which really surprised and disappointed me.

Only a few people know about my slip and they're mainly people I know in real life that I felt able to tell.
I made a bad call a few days ago by confiding in another group member who I really thought I could trust.

Unfortunately after telling this person about my slip she decided to take it upon herself to 'out' me.
She literally went from a good friend, saying how happy she was that I felt I could confide in her and did a complete 180!
I was basically emotionally blackmailed.
She said that she could no longer post or share in the group as she didn't want to 'support my lies'
That I'd pushed her out of the group with my dishonesty etc etc..
Anyway, this ended up with me basically saying that I'd leave, which I did (after telling her to go fuck herself and what a nasty person she was)
It was horrible, these people are my friends but I did leave (I'm actually even an admin there) so she could continue to share.
How bad is that right?!

I wrote to the other admins of the group (the actual group 'owners') to tell them everything as I knew she would
Luckily they were not bothered in the slightest and I was talked into returning.
So yeah, she did as I thought and spent the day yesterday messaging the admins trying to get me into trouble.
Unfortunately for her I'd already told them everything so this all ended up backfiring and making her look like a douche and a gossip haha

Actually, the funny thing is that she started the whole thing off, me telling her, by saying in a private message that if she knew I'd relapsed she'd be on a plane to the UK to get some 'proper H' !(She's from Finland, apparently it's nearly impossible to get heroin over there)
It's only because she said that that I felt I could confide in her.
She swore blind that she wouldn't break my confidence!
She's literally spent the last two days messaging people in the group trying to get me into trouble, I've also been told that she's got a screw loose and that she prides herself on her ability to 'take someone down'
She has no qualms about snitching on people to the cops apparently.
I don't think she has anything on me luckily. She does though have my address as she sent me some Ibogaine a whole back.

I really can't be bothered with all this right now anyway, I'm concentrating on myself, staying clean and serene!

The whole thing is awful, of course I wanted to be honest with my support group!, I haven been intentionally lying and enjoying it. Far from it! Fact is its not quite a simple as all that, there is other stuff going on, it's not black and white.

Why all the drama!?

Anyway..
That's it for now

Hope you lot are all good!?
let me know in the comments.. :)

Sid

Long Overdue Update!

I've been crap at posing recently, all my energy is going into staying clean right now..!

Its been six weeks I think now? Every day drags, I'm still not sleeping properly, I'm consumed 24/7 thinking about heroin..
I've actually ordered some more Ibogaine, it helps with the cravings, when your on Ibo the last thing on your mind is heroin. I've been going to the obligatory NA meetings, I forgot how elitist and judgemental the people can be!

I sit in them and inevitably feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, gripped with fear, wanting to 'share' but the words won't come out.
It keeps me busy though, gives me a focus and something to do every day.

Unfortunately heroin addiction is a 'chronic relapsing disease' and is incredibly hard to get off and stay off. Although I definitely feel a difference this time to the last time I cleaned up.

Last time I was so determined, I stopped using altogether and tapered off methadone over the next two years!
I had used heroin and methadone for ten years at that point and technically I should have suffered with PAWS. I actually hadn't heard of PAWS then though so maybe that had something to do with it.

I didn't get PAWS, the only symptom I had was severe depression and I'm talking suicidal depression for nearly a year, in fact I'm amazed I didn't relapse. Ibogaine helps a hell of a lot with the depression side of things, I guess I feel flat but I'm definitely not suicidal this time round.

The physical difference this detox is huge, endless low grade withdrawal (PAWS) which really gets to you.

Unfortunately the longer you use opiates every day the more your brain adapts to it. The serotonin/noradrenaline/dopamine pathways actually end up hard wired to a constant flow of opiates and this is what causes all the problems when they're stopped.

It can take up to two years for the brain to re-adjust, which is a very long time to suffer PAWS!
The average is around 3-6 months.

This is just the physiological side of it, physchologically it manifests in 'using dreams' - vivid dreams where I run around scoring, cook up and usually I wake up just as I'm injecting...! It's pure torture!

One of the hardest things is to remain positive, it's all too easy to look back with rose tinted spectacles and forget all the bad stuff about having a habit, all the crap is easily forgotten when your craving... It's so easy to talk yourself into 'just one little hit'

I forget all the times I've spent hours, in tears trying to get a vein, sick, knowing that once the amount of blood vs heroin in the needle reaches a certain point it will clot and the drugs will be lost..
I forget all the hassle of trying to get cash, then waiting around for hours in freezing parks/bus stops or dodgy council estates for a 14 year old on a bike to drop the gear to you.
I forget about the damage I've done to my body from 14 years of injecting, I get pins and needles in my arms, I have no superficial veins in my arms and hands any more so I really feel the cold plus my hands look like boxing gloves!
I forget the pain using causes my loved ones, my long suffering partner who has somehow stayed with me throughout this relapse.

One thing I can say though is although I didn't get the spiritual awakening that a small amount of people that have used Ibogain get, I'm talking about the ones that take it once and never want to use again.
I have found that it is slowly helping me see things a bit more clearly.
It's subtle, when I think about my life now and the reasons I used things seem to make more sense, it's very difficult to describe!

Every year I was on it I would swear to myself that I wouldn't still be using on my next birthday, having a date to work towards helps.
The years are whooshing past faster and faster, I turn 31 in less than a week and have wasted more than half my life using heroin. It makes me sad to think about it but I also know I'm still young enough to do the things I want to do...

Aplogy From My Heart To My Partner

Im not going to edit this post, I wrote this last night after a big argument with my long suffereing non-using partner... I had some hear yesterady that had obviously been cut with some benzos, and I dont just mean valium or temezepam,, Im talking nitrazepam/midazolam ..  I lost about eight hours, couldnt talk, lost my gear, kit and a cheque for £25 that I really needed today... just dissapeared!


Now this is what scares me and pissess me off about our illegal, unregulated supply. It's downright dangerous, i'm not the first to suffer like this and certainly wont be the last... 


I'ts not a nice buz... I dont remember it!
But it caused a massive row with my nearest and dearest... 


I copied the letter below from the government plus the original letter, please edit and send off yourselves!


Cheers, gary


I no have 75 x 300mg rootbark biogaine capsules for the Paws after my flood dose which I'm hoping will get enough,
I;m in real trouble at home, ,my parther is underdstnably at his wits end with it all!
Hes's been incrdibily kind and understanding these last two weeks,even giving me small amounts of Cash everyday to get enought to stop myself getting sick everyday,

I wish he understood it isn;t a choice and when your in active addiction, I hate asking for money, and I feel incredibly guilty taking money out of our savings t spend on drugs that would otherwise go on a treat for him.

Ive got 75 ribogaine rootark capsules here now but it;s not enough for te flood doe.
I;ve triee two times witha flood dosnow, at home, btoht times I got to around seven days and couldnt cope with PAWS,
I wish he understood how how painful it was,  i'm not making up the syptoms because I want to use..he is the love of my lie and I not only wabnt t9o clean uo for him but for me too and my family, I;ve out my partner through so much and im in tears writing this, He has evey right to be angry with me and im not mad with him for being pied with me,,,
I ty to empathise as much as possible how much pain we put our loved ones through, it must be hearth breaking to watch us self destruct, especially when they see me so much potential in us,!
t
I wish I could wave a magic wand but i can;t all i can do is keep trudging along this incredibly hard road of abstinence and relapse,
I promise I will do it for us, I want to marray you and have a career!

I know how how much Ive out you through and if you need to step back then please don't let me stop you
I love you more than life itself, S

x

The Addict Mind

Understanding an addicts way of thinking must be frustrating and difficult to comprehend for family, friends and partners.

The problem is that living with an addiction brings a whole host of daily battles that a person without an addiction just can't comprehend.

We have the reputation of being liars and thieves which is difficult to shake even if we ever attain abstinence.

Addiction is a vicious cycle, we all use for different reasons initially, most often to escape something in our lives we cant deal with. 

Addicts are often damaged individuals that unfortunately find solace in drugs or alcohol.

Underneath the hard exterior is in most cases a shy, sensitive and kind soul that has had to become hard to survive.

We lie to our loved ones under the misconception of protecting them, we don't want them to worry, or to realise the extent of the grip our drug of choice has over us.

Unfortunately this is seen as dishonesty and they understandably find our actions and words infuriating!

When I don't tell my mum about a relapse it's not because I revel in the lie and deceit it's because I don't want her to worry!

There is nothing she can do to help me and I see no point in her getting upset over something that is out of her control.

Similarly, when I don't admit to my partner that I've used it's because I love him and want to keep our relationship together.

Now from his point of view he would rather I was honest, it's the lies he find most difficult to deal with.

It's not easy being in a relationship where one half has an addiction, from either perspective.

Saying that, in relationships where both parties use, the so called 'co-dependent's', the couple bounce off each-other, relationships like these are destructive and unhealthy and very rarely work out in the long run.

When you live with a physical addiction to a drug it takes over everything, every day needs to be planned, money needs to be made/found, drugs ordered and saved for the morning so you can get up and function.
Nothing will get in the way of making sure you have that supply arranged for that day at least, many people stockpile so they don't have to go through the daily rigmarole..
This unfortunately means that things like maintaining relationships, family events and holidays and even basic things like personal hygiene go out the window when the clock is ticking on the withdrawal.
We know it hurts those around us, but when withdrawal is creeping up on you it has a way of taking over 100% of your thinking, nothing else matters until you have had your hit, then you can go on with your day.
To us our morning dose is like anyone else taking a pee in the morning.. we don't have an option!

After destroying ourselves with the guilt of what we are doing to our families and loved ones and burying our heads further in the sand we usually try and clean up.. people usually fail at first and start to try and justify our using, a lot of addicts come to a stage where they give up trying to get clean and decide that this is they're lot, they will always be on drugs and with this acceptance comes a (false) sense of peace.
We question what exactly the problem is, why can't our loved ones just accept us as we are?
What we don't see in our heroin fog is that to the people that know us best we are like ghosts, shells of our former selves... We are focused on nothing but obtaining and taking our DOC.
We are fundamentally different on drugs, whether we think we are or not!

Essentially taking drugs every day isn't conducive to maintaining close and loving bonds to those around us and we have to accept that to move into a stage where we can start recovering.

Behind the drugs I am a person still, with feelings, emotions, passions and goals in life, balancing an addiction with a relationship is complicated and trying.

Coping with the guilt that comes with the untruths feeds into my using.

It's been said that addicts will find any excuse to use, I'm happy, I have a hit. I'm sad, I use to blot out the pain. I've had some good news, I want a hit to celebrate... etc etc....

Learning to deal with life on it's terms after using drugs for a large majority of ones life is challenging and difficult to achieve.

I want to be clean, and be able to live a 'normal' life, I deserve it and my long suffering partner does too!

Coming to a place where I  want to be clean has taken a long time and a lot of heartache, part of my problem has always been my low self esteem, I don't value myself enough to warrant a shot at life.

This mind-set has dogged me my whole life, I wish I knew where it came from!

Superficially I know I'm a good person with a lot to give, I'm gifted musically, I'm kind and have always had a humanitarian, peaceful ethos, but underneath all that, sub-consciously, I have this self deprecating, self sabotaging element of my personality that seems determined to fuck myself over at every opportunity.

I guess this is the root of my problems and is what I probably need to face up to and understand and probably never will without some serious soul searching and probably the help of a psychologist!

I feel I am getting closer to that day all the time though...

I will not stop until I get there, it's not in my nature to give up...fundamentally I am a survivor and I will jump every hurdle and hoop it takes to find acceptance of who and what I am!