After a sixteen year love/hate relationship with Heroin & opiates these are my experiences of addiction and abstinence, treatment, rehabs, detox, ibogaine and recovery
I get the feeling, that this blog and therefore, my own thoughts and behaviours are, to the average reader, quite controversial.
When I first started writing this I was just the other side of my first Iboga experience.
Maybe I was in the happy cloud older Iboga initiates talk of?!
Either way I was so enthused and amazed at how easy, yet incredibly powerful, that first 'flood' was!
The blog continues, charting my journey through addictions and life. Two more full floods followed with lots of half assed attempts inbetween.
Looking back to that first trip I was so naive!
I mean I'd read everything I could find on the subject, I knew the pharmacology and the plants physical and psychological effects. I'd spent nearly two years plucking up the courage to do it.
From what I'd read online, I was expecting this incredible psychedelic, cathartic, energising, beautiful experience. One where I may get nauseous and would certainly get ataxia and wobble about the place. I did everything by the book, 18mg/kg HCL taken in two lots two hours apart.
I'd been preparing for a long time, reducing my methadone, eating healthily, hydrating, cutting out prescribed meds and other recreational drugs. I had a sitter (who was probably more terrified than me!) I had written everything down in case of an emergency and the doctors needed info. I even signed a disclaimer of sorts, proof that I had knowingly and willingly taken Iboga.
Well, I don't remember much, it was amazing though. I do remember bits of it, my partner turning into a purple and green skull with dreadlocks, the drums, the fire, singing and clapping.
You pretty much lose all concept of time, I guess it was about 12 hours later I started to become lucid again.
It is a wonderful feeling, realising you are 36 hours into an opiate detox with zero withdrawal symptoms and no urge to score.
I got emotional, floods of years, happiness, regret, sorrow..
I called my mum and apologised for having worried her for so many years, how sorry I was for letting them all down. It was quite cathartic!
24 hours in and the main Iboga trip is wearing off, I can walk around a bit now, I sipped some juice.
48 hours in and I keep pinching myself, 'am I really clean?' ... 'Im not sick, I should be in the midst of a cold turkey!' .. Na, nothing!..
72 hours...
Start to get a runny nose, guts liquify. I calm myself and convince myself this is just the last of the methadone coming out, they're very minor symptoms and that I should stop being a pussy.
I call ibogaworld and literally beg them to send me some TA or HCL and I'd pay them back when I was better.
(I was, and still am, incredibly grateful to Michele and the ibogaworld team for helping me out like that)
They agreed but it would take ten days to get to me.
I trudge on.. Managing to grab snippets of sleep here and there.
Ok, by day five I'm sick as fuck.
The Iboga has worn off and in shitting and puking and sneezing.. How long does this go on for?!
I can deal with a bit, but this is fucked.
The Iboga on order is at least a week away still!
Day six and I can't cope any longer, it's too painful, I give in and score a bag.
I feel like a piece of shit for not being 'strong enough' to make it.
I justify this as a 'slip' and that ill make another attempt at an Iboga flood in a few months again (which I did do)
So, I learnt a lot from this, I learnt that despite all my hope and determination, methadone, no matter how you detox, is a bitch to get off.
I started hearing more and more stories from people that struggled and 'failed' when trying to get off methadone and suboxone with Ibogaine.
This made me feel a little less crap about myself anyway, it's apparently quite a common scenario.
I see this more and more often, desperate addicts thinking that Iboga is their one and only hope of cleaning up.
It does sound amazing, and don't get me wrong, it IS amazing.
BUT, it really isn't the silver bullet/golden ticket/last chance that people think it is.
Sure, some lucky people do get, exactly what they are looking for, when it all works out its amazing, these people completely turn their lives around. They also, often become very vocal advocates of Iboga, this is beautiful to see and they're doing a sterling job.
The down side to these people though is that they often only see the good and challenge anybody's opinion that doesn't match their own.
I've been told I was just weak and I could have got through that first flood if I'd tried harder.
They will not accept that Iboga just doesn't work the same for everyone.
I have a good friend that went to a provider for treatment, the HCL had zero affect and she spent three days shitting and puking up. Further doses made no difference at all and she eventually managed to crawl home to score.
We don't know why but on occasion Iboga doesn't do what we want it to. It doesn't seem to be down to dosing either.
It's quite possibly genetic.
Just like some people who were perfectly healthy and passed the ECG and blood tests before treatment, drop dead of a heart attack five days after flooding.
No one knows why. All we can do is try to negate the risks and work as safely and responsibly as possible.
I'd love to see some proper stats on this. I don't think there are many studies looking specifically at long term abstinence post Iboga.
I'm pretty sure they would be quite a lot higher than traditional detox and rehab; which from memory stands at about 5%. Same as methadone treatment.
I found this paper which documents a small sample. http://www.ibogaine.org/ibogaine_udi_bastiaans.pdf
I won't quote parts of it but have a read. Interesting stuff.
The problem with doing these type of trials is mainly that the patients drop out and stop reporting, or they relapse or they pass away.
Wow, it's been such a long time since I've posted on here!
Such a lot has happened..
I did end up taking part in David Graham Scott's documentary "iboga nights", which was a loose follow up to his "detox or die"
I self treated with and ibogaine flood whilst he filmed and watched over me, checking my stats and administering my pre-prepared hcl doses.
The detox was successful and I stayed clean for s king time afterwards, with a lot of struggle and determination!
That was a few years ago now though!
I relapsed and got back on it big time after that, probably the worst I'd ever been before.
Injecting heroin and crack in my femoral vein, in the groin. In silly amounts.
A lot changed in my personal situation too, I ended up living on a boat on the canals in london for over a year, found lots of work on the boats too, which is what I still do now.
I painted a few narrowboats last summer and have a few already lined up for this year!
I'm clean again nowadays, although it's an ongoing battle, day by day, nearly twenty years of IV drug use takes its toll, physically and psychologically!
It's a bitch of a habit to break, and really doesn't get easier the older one gets.
I will start posting here again now anyhow, I have such a lot to catch up on, thought I'd let you all know I'm not dead somewhere :)
I've not been too good at writing posts recently, my only excuse is that when I cleaned up, life kinda took over!
It's coming up on six months now since my last Iboga flood.
Apart from a couple of minor slips, ie: one or two small shots, months ago, I haven't slipped back into a full time opiate habit, nor am I on any maintenance meds anymore! :)
As ever when coming off long term opiates, it takes quite some time for the body to heal and adjust. Often longer than you expect, actually when I got clean back in '06, I tapered myself off a 120mg a day methadone habit.
It took about 18 months of dropping 1-2mg each 4-5 days.
It was slow and arduous but it worked, I got three years opiate free after that too!
I'd never heard of Ibogaine at that stage, if I ever had to do a slow meth taper again I'd microdose with rootbark without a doubt.
Funny too, I'd not heard of the dreaded PAWS back then either, I think if I had I'd have probably talked myself out of the detox, or at a minimum suffered a lot more.
Looking back now, knowing more, I did struggle with it. From 120mg down to about 12mg was easy in comparison to that last 12mg!
I got so worked up convincing myself that the last drop, from 1mg to 0 I'd go into hellish cold turkey that I nearly talked myself out of it altogether! I started to do the addict thing of coming up with justifications why I should just stay on 12mg forever! Haha
As it happened, I actually swapped over onto subutex for the final bit. It wasn't easy, the transition is difficult and I got pretty sick. I was really pissed that I ended up needing a full 32mg to hold me, I thought I'd be ok at 16mg max!
It took about a week of pretty shitty withdrawal symptoms to stabilise, I then stayed at the 32 for a couple of weeks then started tapering.
It was much easier to taper with, I set myself a three month limit for taking subs, much longer and I've noticed people start to struggle getting off.
I got right down to 0.02mg, shaving the pills with a razor.
When I finally stopped altogether, I remember sitting at home that day waiting for the ct to hit me, I had subs on hand if it did... It never did!
Yeah, I was amazed.. But it just goes to show, if you have the discipline and willpower to taper it is possible..
Anyway. I'm getting off track..
I wanted to talk about PAWS, or Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms/Syndrome, like I said, I'd never even heard of it, so I didn't really know what to expect in the way of symptoms when I finally stopped.
Physically I had minor sweats and chills, goosebumps and sneezes that went on for maybe another week or two, my main problems were insomnia and depression.
For about a year after I stopped I was battling severe depression, I researched medications and antidepressants that were good post opiate addiction and the SNRI Venlaflaxine/Effexor came up. I asked my doctor and was prescribed Effexor. I can't say I felt on top of the world but if lifted me out of the suicidal zone.
It seems to take about a year to fully recover from long term opiate abuse, after that time I felt pretty much 'normal' and happy and had forgotten all about my past life really.
Why am I talking about this?
I guess because its kind of where I'm at again now, feeling sad and suffering a lot of anxiety.
Iboga rootbark helps me loads, I take about a gram whenever I feel I need it, which is usually about every two weeks. It seems to stop any drug cravings I'm having dead in their tracks and lifts my mood.
I actually even stopped smoking about six weeks ago too. Which is just crazy for me, I've always loved smoking and never had much intention to stop.
I bought one of those E-cigs from the pharmacy and never looked back, haven't smoked since! :)
I'd be going to Thamrabok monastery.
It's the one where you purge and sauna for a couple of weeks to detox.
It's a drug detox, apparently it's in the middle of nowhere and you pretty much spend the trip drinking purgative tea and throwing your guts up.
Sound appealing?
I might go actually, although I'm not technically dependant on anything, I do still have days that I really struggle with cravings.
I don't know too much about the place, I've heard a few stories though!
The people that come through the other side swear by it so it must do something right?!
Maybe going to somewhere like this will be the kick up the ass I need to keep clean and sober, looking to the future instead of dwelling on the past and shrugging off this depression and lethargy I've had for months..
There's a charity called 'East-West Detox' based here in the UK. Run by a chap called Mike that I met a couple of months ago when I was speaking at a confrence about ibogaine, recovery and addiction.
East-West cover the travel expenses to get addicts over there, quite impressive really!
-Edit- I discovered that I made a mistake, they apparently don't pay for the flights and food. You have to pay for yourself! They just facilitate the process. Sorry!
Thamrabok is another 'extreme' detox, honestly, after ibogaine I don't think I'd be shocked or anxious about doing it.
Ibogaine visions along with the total inability to control your legs and arms are pretty bloody intense. Ibogaine induced vomiting anyway, been there done that. At least with the thamrabok method your not tripping your nuts off at the same time!
It seems too good an opportunity to turn down really, I've not been out the country since my 21st birthday. I've always wanted to travel India, Thailand and Nepal.
Seeing it as a holiday probably is very far from the truth though.
I did skim read the website and your pretty much whisked from the airport to the monastery and whisked back at the end.
No 'stopping at go to collect £50'
Can you imagine how many clients they must have 'lost' over the years!?
Haha, Thailand, the land of cheap china white heroin and OTC ketamine.
I've been told to let them know if I want to go.
I also want to start my music degree this year so it would probably be best to squeeze thamrabok in first!
Hmmm, it's that time of year again.. The time for families to guilt trip each other into spending money they haven't got and everyone sits around wishing they were at home with a pile of gear.. ;)
I usually go to my mums, unfortunately she's working this year so were staying in London. I grabbed the opportunity to go volunteer for 'crisis at Christmas' .. I did it once before years ago, in fact I was a service user one year when I was homeless.. Crisis do great work, they have day centres up and down the country and work to help people who are street homeless.
Every year they do 'Crisis At Christmas' they open day centres across London and provide Christmas dinners, I think they cooked 16000 meals last year!
Besides the food they use a huge team if volunteers to provide healthcare, dentist, addiction key workers, complimentary therapists and counsellor.
This year I've volunteered as an entertainer! I'm playing a one hour set on piano!
I got myself a new keyboard a while back, I'd love to work full time as a pianist, at a piano bar or even session musician.
Music is the only thing I ever really gave a shit about, I've had so many different jobs I've the years! I never really followed my dream if being a pianist because I could t see a career in it for me. I don't have many regrets in my life, even getting on heroin was a huge life lesson.,! I do however, regret not staying at school, I really believe if I'd concentrate more on music I could have gone to an academy or uni to study for a degree, I have my grades up to 6 I think, I play be ear really, I can read music (although I'm really rusty) if I have to, but I picked up piano and guitar by sitting for hours playing and seeing what notes sounded good together! I discovered triads pretty early on :)
Before my friend Cat died she helped me by lending me some money towards buying my keyboard. She believed in me and wanted me to follow my dreams. It's with that in my thoughts that I've contacted goldsmiths to try and get on their music degree course, starting September 2013.
What I'd really like to do is music therapy, the degree will enable me to do a therapy course or just teach, I'd have to sit my grades up to 8 and do an access course too apparently..
It would mean 5-6 years study.. I'd be nearly 40 by the time I qualify! Although I'd be a 40 year old with a degree!
I'm trying to get some direction in my life anyway, it's time to do something I actually want to do I don't think I'm the kind of person that can do a job I hate. I've had some good jobs in my time too. I was the deputy general manager of one of the biggest clubs in London for a couple of years, good money but shit hours and a lot of stress! I'd much rather be teaching someone how to play piano!
I'm doing ok otherwise, I've been quiet this last few months because I've been trying to concentrate on myself. I'm still clean, I still use ibogaine root bark most days. Let me make it clear though, I am in no way dependent on it, physically or psychologically, I ran out a while back and I ended up sitting through some of the most intense cravings I've ever had! I had a couple of using dreams too... I hate them, they're always so vivid, usually I'm running around the streets, hustling up cash, then I go score, get home, cook up, I find a vein, pull back red and do it... That's when I wake up! Expecting a nice warm rush but nothing happens! Haha.. Pure torture! I don't think people who have never gone through opiate withdrawal understand just how intense and insidious the effects of detox can be! When you can't even get a moment of relief in the few hours of sleep you manage to grab things get hard!
I'm still trying to deal with the Facebook group i sort of inherited.. Who knew that as an admin you get so much abuse! I'm taking a break from it all for a few weeks. It all got a bit much, when I gained the admin ship I lost my support group, as an admin it feels there is this unspoken expectation to hold it together and be an inspiration to others struggling with their own recovery. People seem to forget that I'm newly clean myself!
It seems whenever you do good people just can't wait to try and drag you down!.. Or back into using as the case may be.
Just by being the third admin and inheriting full responsibility I gained a bunch of ready made haters and trolls.,! I wish I had a thicker skin, it's a steel learning curve, learning to let shit roll right off your back, I'm a pretty sensitive kinda guy.. It hurts when I, being called a cunt and fag for no other reason that I'm the admin of a support group
Anyways... I hope you all have bearable Christmases!
Here's a link to my (bad) attempt at playing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' on the piano!.. Man that's a hard song to Play! let alone sing 'gallileo gallileo' at the same time! haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXSetKK5B1k&sns=em
Oh, and if you'd like to sponsor me at crisis, ie donate towards providing the food and services you can do so here...: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/SidSkid
Thanks to my family and friends I smashed my first goal of £100 and had to up it to £150!!
I had some terrible news last weekend.
Two very close friends of mine were killed in a car accident..
I've been trying to come to terms with this all week, I can honestly say I've shed more tears over the untimely death of these people than I have for family members that have passed.
They were called Cat Asche and Chris Bava.
I met them (I say met, more started talking online) about three years ago, I started talking to Chris originally I think from the 'Mindvox' Ibogaine mailing list.
His comments always made me laugh and I usually agreed with him 100%
He was a character, he invited me to join his facebook group the 'Ibogaine Survivors Club' and I duly accepted the offer!
Boy, am I glad I did, I've met and become close friends with so many people through that group!
It's funny, and even difficult for people around me in my real life to begin to understand what these people mean to me, especially Cat & Chris!
I started contributing anyway, when I first joined I was at a stage with my using that I had become totally ambivalent about recovery. I'd sort of come to the conclusion that I'd just never be clean.
Over the weeks and months I started to change my mind, these people, just by recounting their stories, inspired me to have another 'go' at getting clean.
The rest is history so to speak.. I started thinking about trying another iboga detox, I was given very honest opinions and experiences of Iboga, I'd done one flood before but it didn't work, I was coming off a hefty methadone habit though, plus heroin and crack.
The more I've learnt about the way iboga works, I now understand that it struggles with the long acting opiates, methadone or subutex.
So, with the groups support I began to stop using methadone, I got my MST prescription and used 600mg morphine daily for the next 18 months or so.
It must have been around then that David Graham Scott contacted me, he told me he was in the process of filming a follow up documentary to 'detox or die', the film he was in ten years ago, coming off methadone with iboga very successfully.
It all sort of fell together, we planned my flood and filming for mid August.
Cat put a call out in the group for help with costs, I wasn't working and just couldn't afford the £600 I'd need just for the medicine.
Amazingly people donated towards it!
I blogged about this before! ... Anyways, the majority of the money came straight from Chris & Cat, they were so incredibly generous I was humbled really.
So, I do my flood, great, I had one slip a couple weeks later, I was so pissed at myself!
It was around this time I confided my slip in one person in the group I thought I could trust, I had no idea she was quite so unpredictable at the time but she preceded to tell people, including Cat & Chris.
She forced my hand, I was going to tell people in my own time, sadly I had to then write to people privately and make a public statement.. (I think I blogged about all this too but bear with me!)
I wrote personally to Cat & Chris, scared that they would reject me or be angry that they had given me money and I had let them, myself and the group down!
I actually left the group, my support group so that this girl wouldn't have to 'cover my lies' as she put it.
Chris had made me an 'admin' of the group some time before too so I naturally gave that up too.
So, You know what they did?
Put me straight back in the group, re-instated my admin role, gave the girl that caused the problem 24 hours to apologise, which she didn't so they took her out the group!
They then told me that I was a valuable member and that he wouldn't hear of me leaving and instead of being angry they offered to pay for my next treatment if I wanted to try again!
Just constant, unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness with no judgement or anger!
I was so bowled over..!
Anyway, the point of all that was to illustrate what kind of people they were.
Chris had a very colourful past too! He was an international drug smuggler back in the day, really leading the life, sailing round the world, driving Harleys and living off China White heroin.
He had a wake up call when they got busted, he ended up doing six years in a federal jail!
He's often recount the story of at intake he told the guard that he had a hefty CW heroin habit on top of 80mg of methadone and that he would need some kind of maintenance medication. The reply was 'welcome to the big time son, here we go cold turkey!'
He had no choice in the matter!
I think he said he didn't really recover properly for a year!
So, during this time he met a guy that practised Siddha yoga, he talks of a spiritual awakening and he was hungry for more. It was a huge turning point in his life, when he got out he went to India and became a 'seeker'. Living in ashrams with guru's .. He often said he loved the 'Seva', basically service, helping others, he got a buzz from it. He was totally clean for 17 years.
After meeting Cat in Australia they moved back to the states and opened a nightclub in the LA artist district, they did this for a few years, putting on the annual burning man 'decompression' event.
During this time both of them struggled with their own demons, Chris relapsed on heroin and Cat methamphetamine mainly.
They had moved to Tijuana, Mexico a few years ago to clean up.
Chris underwent treatment with iboga a few times and readily admits it didn't work for him, he could see the potential though and advocated it's use for others after that.
He eventually got clean in an 'intervention' style Mexican rehab. The family took him down to this beautiful looking clinic which boasted equine therapy and a swimming pool and gym.
As soon as the family left he was basically bundled into a sub-terranian, cockroach infested cellar. locked up and left for three weeks!
Cat would call to see how he was doing and would be told 'Chris is doing great! He's been riding horses today and sends his love'
As horrendous as this sounds, he attributed his getting sober to this place, he was always saying 'when the addict is ready the solution will appear'
Cat & Chris spent the last few years opening their home to addicts coming for treatment in Mexico, they would arrange cheap treatments and feed and home people needing help.
They loved animals and would take in strays, they had eight cats in total and two lovely little dogs.
Chris would spend a lot of time in Zone Norte, the red light district of TJ, befriending the homeless deportees. There was a trust there and Chris started to photograph them with stunning results!
He had ablog here
They were both working with a small charity called Prevencasa which helped the deportees and sex workers with clean injecting equipment and clothes etc.
If anyone is looking for a way to donate and continue his work seriously consider donating to them!
They were both artists in their own right too, Chris's brother Mark was an amazing sculptor, Mark sadly died in the accident too.
It's come to light after their passing just how extensive their 'Seva' was. There are lots of people they supported financially and emotionally, never expecting anything in return, they were truly selfless people and we should all take a lesson from them!
Cat was the kindest, sweetest woman I've ever known, so gentle and caring. She was always there for me when I needed advice or support. I'm so glad I got to say how much I appreciate them in our last few messages and I got to give her some money back too which felt good, I was sold by someone that she was very touched I had as 'most people never bother' .. It made me cry hearing that actually.
Cat had lent me the money to pay for a new piano recently, she was really keen I got back into playing again, it's made me more determined than ever to play more music!
I'd asked her to request me a song and I'd record it for her. Sadly she never got to hear it but I recorded it the next day and uploaded it to youtube.. It's a bit messy with a few mistakes but it was a first take recording and I was trying hard not to cry! Here it is anyway
I could write more on these two, there was so much more!
Although what has happened is incredibly shocking and sad there were some blessings, they went together being the big one. I think one passing would have been too painful to bear.
They had also just gone to see Bob Dylan in concert so had had a great night!
They weren't even driving when this happened, they had pulled over to the hard shoulder for a rest and were ploughed into from behind by a little Honda doing 65mph.. (the driver survived)
It's been interesting to see peoples behaviour too, people that have acted with little respect and taken stuff from their house within a day of the news fills me with rage, people they had supported financially for the last six months too!
But in general the group has become tight and we've all supported each other.
As the only other admin at the group I've had to continue day to day admin duties, all pretty stressful!
Chris used to do it, and although he rarely chastised anyone publicly and he always managed to keep up the appearance of little intervention in the running of the group, they both spent hours and hours in PM with members and 'vetting' new requests to join as sadly facebook is full of trolls, people that just want to cause trouble.
I feel as though Chris has entrusted the group to me and I will do everything in my power to make sure the group continues.
Well, I only covered a fraction of what I wanted to here, I'll leave you with some of Chris's best quotes!
"Time, time ... so much to do and so little of it. :))" Chris Bava 09/22/12
"There's a thin line between breakdown and breakthrough." Chris Bava 10/10/2012
"Speaking of twilight zone, how about deceased people still
posting on FB?! Christopher Hitchins still posts and a local Mexican
artist we knew (who died last year) just updated his cover pic. It's
kind of charming. I put a 'like' anyway smile" Cat Asche, 10/10/2012
"We're all going to lose parents, loved ones and family members
.. that's life. As addicts we're or the addiction is always looking
for a reason to re-establish or continue itself. You certainly can get
by without having to shoot heroin, first make sure you prevent that
from happening." Chris Bava, 10/11/2012
Test, whether it is or isnt who can say but it's life compressed
in months .. and it seems to happen, if you can hit the warrior switch
like I mentioned before in other words tell god to "bring it" it will
all seem not so bleak and devastating .. anyway that was my trick ...
and I'd say to myself "savage grace, savage grace" ... in the world of
yoga they say it's the shkati burning away the samskaras .. they call
it tapasya .. or doing austerities .. passing thru difficulties as a
means of purifying .. it worked for me and believe it or not there's a
kernel of truth to it." - Chris Bava
" No? Because the truth is we're aren't anybody .. whatever
importance we ascribe to ourself is a fantasy, it has no importance to
anything other than to a tiny blip in time .. primarily "our" time ...
it's easier to let go as a the nobodies we are." - Chris Bava
Yes, and I think advice good or bad is about the same,
worthless, if there is any benefit in the group it's not getting advice
but maybe a kind of resonance with others that makes some people not
have to feel so all alone ... everything else is fluff, entertainment
while something else beneficial could be going on for a few who might
otherwise be on the tipping point. Advice is the worst kind of
helpfulness, unless someone specifically asks for it and even then, who
really pays attention or uses it?" - Chris Bava June 24 2011
"All I know is one day you'll be whistling along with all the
time in the world & at some point you'll wake up with a start to
realize there's no going back and now you're like an asteroid hurtling
helplessly through space toward your demise where the end could as well
be today as tomorrow. Some days it's alarming, others exhilarating but
time & life become vastly different from when mortality was just an
abstraction, something far off and unimaginable somewhere on the other
side of my universe. We're all doing time and living under a sentence
of death, if you're lucky you'll find out that you're nobody or you'll
be cursed in believing that you were somebody that did something
remarkably important." - Chris Bava 9/23/2012
"Screwballs, and gangsters" had to go into centro yesterday to
pick up a young man from Boston who is here for ibogaine treatment
while waiting I crawled the car around the deep back streets on the
city, Cat asked why I'm attracted to the worst sections of the city. I
think I find the best stories there written on the faces, streets and
walls ... life's pathos so obvious here. Mine breaks more for the
animals too, for me the saddest thing of all is the innocent beautiful
look in the eyes of birds and all the animals suffer illness & pain
with such dignity, it seems.Maybe this tragedy will teach people
humility, though I kind of doubt it. xocb " - Chris Bava , June 30, 2010 (he's referring to the animals hurt in the oil spill )
"I dont feel any need to sit for formal meditation, it
sometimes just comes over me. I prefer the very late hours too (or very
early) and seems regardless of when I go to sleep I wake up around 3
or 4. I think in India they called it the nectar hours when the world
around you was asleep, considered an auspicious time to be awake. That
was the thinking around the ashram anyway. Once you become tuned into a
particular teacher, I like the concept of the teacher being not the
person but the resonance between sage and seeker then I guess that
resonance would be there whether the entity was or not." - Chris Bava, June 21, 2010
"it's not necessary to have daily interactions (with a guru) ..
maybe a few to develop a kind of bond .. or even online .. by asking
questions, something happens .. anyway, it's all about a bond .. I
suppose that isn't confined to time and space but happens more often
in time and space...a guru isnt a person it's a resonance, a principle
that will inevitably cause a lot of trouble for you ... a good teacher
will always." - Chris Bava, August 15, 2012
"Yeah, I understood your question and actually feel it silly to
think somehow meditators will automatically be spared life's
unfortunate circumstance because they sit regularly doing whatever they
do to meditate. Delirium is as much part of the universe as daffodils
and bliss, why is that one spared and the other isn't? The better
question would be "Why not?" So, someone falls, becomes confused and
then delirious in hospital they'd not only have to feel humiliated
enough by the experience but also made to feel guilty because they
somehow fell short of something they should've been better at or doing
more of. Somehow they screwed up the deal and it was their fault. Since
I turned 50 I've been saying intentional communities should to be set
up, run by seniors for seniors in a loose, hip way that would appeal to
our generation of fringe people. Probably doesn't help that hospitals
look and feel the way they do, sterile, scary with staff too stressed
out and busy to be personable and why the many who go to hospitals for a
'bad' acid trip wind up getting worse and given awful anti-psychotic
medications. I bet that'd eliminate a decent portion of the nightmare.
Community can do wonderful things. I used to be able to stay awake
until all hours, and sleep few. Now I have no control, I fall asleep
relatively early and wake up very early. I guess this lack of control
comes with age, though I believe our sense of control is just an
overlay on whats really in control anyway. xocb" -Chris Bava , June 22, 2010
Well, things are ok. It's been nearly a month now since I did another Ibogaine flood.
It's funny looking back at my blog entries over that first week!
I've left them as they are just to show quite how ataxic and clumsy the medicine makes you!
I mean, I don't even remember writing them! Haha..
So, a month...
My Ibogaine 'glow', always seems to last about a week, others report this 'floating on cloud nine' feeling for up to three months sometimes!
I think it must have been around day six or seven I started to feel a bit down, I was also trying to cope with minor withdrawal symptoms.
By minor I mean very low level chills and sweats, goosebumps, diorreah, sneezing etc.
Nothing unbearable, just annoying.
I was using iboga root bark to cope with this which always works very well, unfortunately I ran out!
I had less than I thought as I forgot I'd micro dosed for two weeks leading up to my flood to get my morphine tolerance/habit right down.
On that note, micro dosing co-commitantly with root bark works really well!
I was using up to 1200mg daily, I'd take 900mg (iboga rootbark)upon waking, in place of my morning shot and it worked like a dream!
By using this protocol I managed to easily cut down a 600mg IV morphine habit daily to 100-200mg!
I was also still shooting speedballs nearly every day too and managed to stop that too.
When I say 'easily' I really mean it.
Like, not only was I not in any withdrawal, I was actually high if anything!
Iboga not only potentate's opiates but it also seems to extend the effect.
After a week I was able to drag my first shot of the day out til mid afternoon! Something that just would not have been possible without the iboga.
Using the two together can be dangerous though. In the doses I've mentioned there shouldn't be any issues BUT, if your thinking about doing the same then please do some research first!
Because of the potentiating effect the risk of overdose is increased and this protocol must be used very carefully.
Anyhow, back to my current situation...
As I say, about a week after my flood I was feeling pretty crappy, physically.
I had ran out of bark and was waiting on more to arrive.
I ended up slipping and using once. Strangely, it just wasn't the same as before.
I just didn't enjoy it, like I couldn't get high?..
I've heard others report similar experiences too, not being able to get high after Iboga, or rather the drugs just don't cut the mustard any more.
So I used, once, a speedball...
It was crap, I didn't feel high. It relieved my PAWS for a few hours but more importantly, it really put me off using!
Over the course of three floods now, the way I think about drugs has changed dramatically.
I don't obsess and 'fiend' over them anymore, it's actually quite liberating!
I mean, I've been a live to die junkie for years! I didn't care about anything, least of all myself!
My health, both mental and physical, just weren't important. I didn't care what damage I was doing to my body and I'm sure I have.
My lungs are terrible and I know that shooting MST for the last two years has taken it's toll.
I'm quite badly asthmatic anyway but after coming off opiates I really noticed just how bad my breathing is.
Lately I keep finding myself short of breath, half a dozen times a day I find myself panicking because I can't catch my breath.. It's terrifying actually!
Opiates suppress the cough and breathing reflex, this is why they are used in cough syrups.
I just plain didn't notice how bad my breathing was!
I've been on about six courses of different antibiotics and oral steroids recently as I was aware I had a chest infection but it just didnt seem to want to shift.
I really noticed suddenly after stopping the morphine that my breathing went back to normal and the chest pains that were being masked by the opiates came to the fore.
I've just finished another course of amoxycillin anyway so fingers crossed I'll get better now.
I even ended up calling an ambulance at 5am the other day I was so panicked because I couldn't breath!
Anyway... Where was I?
Yes.. Nearly a month..!
Aside from the chest and my one very minor slip, I'm still clean!
I've stopped the benzos too, I was taking far more than I thought, the last thing I needed was/is a bloody benzo habit on top of everything else!
I'm even trying to stop smoking at the moment.. Mainly because I physically can't with my chest being so bad but also because I want to, for the first time in my life!
I've cut down from 40 plus a day to like, five or six which is pretty cool.. (I do have three patches on though)
So, to sum things up..
I'm very happy with where I am.
Things may not have gone perfectly to plan, no, I didn't manage to stay 100% clean after my flood, BUT;
I've had a huge shift in my thinking and behaviour!
I'm no longer shooting anything, I've been attending NA andf SMART meetings three or four times a week and even saw a clincal psychologist the other day.
Hes actually really nice, I don't usually get on with psychs, especially male ones for some reason but I like this guy.
I guess it depends on how you define success anyway I guess, in relation to my detox..
In my eyes, I had a minor slip and have since picked myself up, dusted myself down and worked hard at my recovery.
I had some drama recently I could have done without..
I'm a member of a great support group on facebook, it's a closed (ie private) group called Ibogaine Survivors Club
It's a place I feel safe and can be honest usually but the last few days something happened which really surprised and disappointed me.
Only a few people know about my slip and they're mainly people I know in real life that I felt able to tell.
I made a bad call a few days ago by confiding in another group member who I really thought I could trust.
Unfortunately after telling this person about my slip she decided to take it upon herself to 'out' me.
She literally went from a good friend, saying how happy she was that I felt I could confide in her and did a complete 180!
I was basically emotionally blackmailed.
She said that she could no longer post or share in the group as she didn't want to 'support my lies'
That I'd pushed her out of the group with my dishonesty etc etc..
Anyway, this ended up with me basically saying that I'd leave, which I did (after telling her to go fuck herself and what a nasty person she was)
It was horrible, these people are my friends but I did leave (I'm actually even an admin there) so she could continue to share.
How bad is that right?!
I wrote to the other admins of the group (the actual group 'owners') to tell them everything as I knew she would
Luckily they were not bothered in the slightest and I was talked into returning.
So yeah, she did as I thought and spent the day yesterday messaging the admins trying to get me into trouble.
Unfortunately for her I'd already told them everything so this all ended up backfiring and making her look like a douche and a gossip haha
Actually, the funny thing is that she started the whole thing off, me telling her, by saying in a private message that if she knew I'd relapsed she'd be on a plane to the UK to get some 'proper H' !(She's from Finland, apparently it's nearly impossible to get heroin over there)
It's only because she said that that I felt I could confide in her.
She swore blind that she wouldn't break my confidence!
She's literally spent the last two days messaging people in the group trying to get me into trouble, I've also been told that she's got a screw loose and that she prides herself on her ability to 'take someone down'
She has no qualms about snitching on people to the cops apparently.
I don't think she has anything on me luckily. She does though have my address as she sent me some Ibogaine a whole back.
I really can't be bothered with all this right now anyway, I'm concentrating on myself, staying clean and serene!
The whole thing is awful, of course I wanted to be honest with my support group!, I haven been intentionally lying and enjoying it. Far from it! Fact is its not quite a simple as all that, there is other stuff going on, it's not black and white.
Why all the drama!?
Anyway..
That's it for now
Hope you lot are all good!?
let me know in the comments.. :)
No PAWS (I'm still taking around a gram of bark every morning though)
No physical cravings, just dealing with breaking that daily use routine
Someone mentioned becoming dependant on bark, well, it's better than heroin and trust me it's impossible to become addicted to bark, your body wouldn't let you.
There does come a point where the receptors are so flooded with iboga/nor-ibo that you reach a point that any more wouldn't help
I feel ok, not depressed as such, more just a bit flat which is to be expected after any long term opiate addiction
I think there's a lot to be said for really trying to change your habits, so easy to just lay on the couch and feel sorry for yourself, actually making an effort to go to meetings, therapy, exercise. Makes all the difference!
I gave up all my free will this time, handed over bank cards, cash, disposed of all the paraphernalia. No needles, cups, swabs etc in the house.
That was the hardest bit,handing over my power. Has to be done though
Wow, so many mixed emotions, mainly positive I have to say!
Ive planned and planned, read and read, researched and read forum after forum about iboga,
I think I have a pretty good understandingmofmthe risks and benefits now.
It's an informed decision, I NEED to do this!
I should be taking my last dose of 100mg MST in a couple of hours, after a dinner of Dahl, rice and pakora I'll be taking a long bath, having some auricular acupuncture, meditating and having a chilled evening until an early night.
Davidmis nearly here, I'll bring him up to speed with all the medical stuff, doses etc with a view to taking the test dose early morning, my first 'low wave' dose (200mg-400mg HCL) an hour later, the longer I can wait between last morphine dose and flood the better, overnight is my best chance, I'll be able to get a minimum of 12 hours, hopefully more like 15-20 but will see how it goes.
Knowing the first dose will attenuate withdrawals is great,
I'm really looking forward to it all actually!
For the last week I've been taking supplements (not nessacary but useful)
Omega 3,6,9
High dose vitamin C
Vitamin D
Vitamin B
Also, 75mg asprin a day (which will be stopped tomorrow)
I've been using daily rootbark now for the last week or so, starting at 300mg upon waking and I can now easily take up to 1200mg with no obvious psychoactive effects.
By using bark I've managed to reduce my MST intake from 600mg daily to between 100 and 200! - Iterally amazed!
Honestly, I've had a few slips, a few 'last shot ever' moments that have left me feeling flat, and skirt!
The combo of bark and the odd 5mg Diaz has worked wonders!
So, I have everything in place, medical equipment, detox protocol for dosing, other complimentary meds. I've established my vital obs baselines and have written a letter of intent to absolve any sitters of responsibility.
David is arriving Wednesday evening, I'll take my last shot of MST with him filming, stop eating and drinking and generally prepare myself for the next morning.
I'm hoping I'll get more than 12 hours before I take my iboga. Should be more like 18-24 by using bark.
After the 'test dose' (200mg I'll be spreading a further 1200mg over the next 48 hours or so, in doses of between 200 and 400mg's (HCL)
This 'low wave' dosing is the safest way, especially with my current chest infection.
So, wish me luck, I'll have my head down for the next few days preparing mentally and physically but I'll try to keep you guys updated on here or my twitter (exheroinjunkie)
I'm writing this post in response to the enquires I get about seeking treatment and ibogaine.
I'll probably turn this into a page as opposed to a post to a blog post too
So, ibogaine treatment,
As ibogaine is illegal in countries such as the United States, most treatments are either carried out 'underground', there is a network of UG providers thougout the U.S, they usually operate by carrying out the treatment in hotels or their own homes.
This option is a bit hit and miss, there are some great, empathic, caring providers out there but there are also some horror stories about providers preying on desperate addicts, taking deposits and not following through with treatment, under dosing, over charging and a even few cases of sexual assault!
Legal treatments are carried out in Mexico and Canada, these are generally more expensive but if you can afford to then this is definitely the preferred option. As official clinics they usually follow guidelines, meaning medical staff on site, more staff, better organisation and accountability if things go wrong.
If you're serious about doing ibogaine then my biggest piece of advice is, research research research!
There is a huge amount of information online, reviews on clinics, support forums and medical papers. Go join Mindvox mailing list, join a Facebook ibogaine group and ask questions!
Any provider worth their salt will help out your mind at ease and answer any questions you have.
Elsewhere in the world, most countries have providers, I can help point you I the right direction if you want to message me or leave a comment.
From my experiences with it, if I could afford it, id pay for a proper treatment, DIY is difficult, dangerous and usually unsuccessful long term.
An experienced provider will help you from the first email through to long term abstinence strategies.
Some good forums worth joining:
Mindvox - The original ibogaine mailing list
Eboka forum - www.eboka.info
Simon Loxton - Simon is a provider and supplier based in Cape Town, South Africa, contact for more details
ibogaine.treatment@iboga.co.za
Cerebus Extract - Online ethnogen supplier, Ibogaine HCL along with ayahuasca, DMT etc...
http://cerberusextract.com/
There are other places to get Ibogaine from but I only have experience with these three
Ibogaine Providers: UK Ibogaine info Providers in Europe
Ed Conn, the guy who treated David in 'detox or die' doesn't work or live in the UK anymore.
I'll be updating this page with new providers and vendors as soon as I can verify their honesty and integrity.
The sources I list will always be respected, trusted sources/people.
The world of Ibogaine can me a bit of a minefield so I'll try to take the work out of it all for you!
Ibogaine is the root of Tabernathe Iboga, a shrub that grows mainly on the African continent.
Iboga is processed from the roots of mature plants, usually at least eight years old.
The Bwiti use pure root bark but some clever westerners worked out a way to process the root into Ibogaine HCL, this is around nine to ten times stronger so is better suited to medical use as less needs to be ingested.
Ibogaine HCL is sometimes synthesised from vocangine another shrub, vocangine, pure HCL is mainly Ibogaine, this is just one of the active alkaloids.
The other preparation used for detoxifying is 'TA' or Total Alkaloids, this is a purified form of root bark but includes all the active alkaloids, not just Ibogaine. TA, sometimes referred to as Indra, is usually around 8% Ibogaine the rest being many active alkaloids.
TA is preferred by many and used sometimes for opiate detoxification.
Some believe because it is the whole extract it gives more of a psychospiritual experience, it is often combined with HCL.
Ibogaine root bark is around ten times less powerful then Ibogaine HCL, it is rarely used for detoxification purely because so much would be needed its inpracticle.
The main use for root bark is for boosters post detox, root bark can be used in small doses as often as neccasary to help control cravings and Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms like restless leg syndrome, goosebumps, chills, anxiety etc
A booster dose would usually be around 250-1000mg daily.
It's usually advised to take a decent booster seven days after flooding too
Micro-dosing For Reducing Opiate Tolerance & Potentiating
Microdosing with iboga is a bit of a grey area with little research and only anecdotal evidence.
It can be used in small doses alongside opiates to reduce tolerance although this can be risky.
Iboga potentates opiates so must be used carefully and sparingly.
Iboga's Potentiating effect is something most providers don't want to become common knowledge for this very reason!
That said, I have micro dosed with root bark quite successfully to reduce my tolerance.
Taking 500mg of root bark an hour before an opiate dose... it's worth experimenting but I found I could take 3/4 my usual dose and wasn't withdrawing.
It's also possible to use smaller amounts of HCL or TA for acute withdrawal.
I used doses of between 250mg and 500mg over five days to get through a heroin detox.
This could be an option for anyone scared of flooding or unable to flood for medical reasons.
Please understand that the above is not really a tried and tested method and you need to do your own research!
My treatment is now planned for the 21st of August. I'll be going on film for part of David graham Scott's follow up documentary to 'detox or die' ... The film is called 'Iboga nights'
My first flood, which was over a year ago now! I did it all totally DIY, with information from the Internet. I didn't really listen when I was warned I'd need boosters, I couldn't really afford it either to be honest, this time I have two friends from my amazing support group on Facebook, 'Ibogaine survivors club' that have offered to come and help out, one is coming from Finland!
The admin of the group posted asking for donations for the iboga and incredibly I was given $400!
This has paid for nearly all the iboga I'm going to need, I was just about to cancel it too!
A couple of personal thank-you's are in order I think, so, Cat & Chris, Chris N, Jenifer B, Brandon I'm so grateful to you!
DGS, Elina and Anthony, thank you for caring enough to give up your time to come and help me!
By the way, we're still taking donations as its going to become a semi-permanent feature of the group, an iboga fund for people that can't afford it.
Please consider donating if you can, at least come and join the group!
We're a great bunch of people in all stages of recovery.
So far about half a dozen people have been helped out financially from the group.
The PayPal address for donations is Cat@parrotdogs.com
I'll be blogging all the way through as I have before, anyone interested will even be able to watch me on film! Lol...
Anyone interested in joining the group, send me your details and I'll add you, it's a closed group which means anything you post is private and won't be visible anywhere on your timeline.
This is the reason most people feel comfortable enough to post honestly and without judgment.
These people have been there for me and never judged and I'm very grateful I found them!
I feel I need to write this post, there are a lot of questions around the efficacy of Ibogaine, worries about deaths and a lot of people bash it when it doesn't work for them.
I think a lot of the time issues revolve around whether it works or not so hopefully this post will help.
Going in with high expectations is very common, and where a lot of people fall down, it's the addict mentality I think, wanting a quick fix, and when it doesn't happen people bash it, and say it doesn't work.
So here are some thoughts I hope will help:
What Ibogaine WILL do:
Regarded as an 'addiction interruptor', Ibogaine WILL (in the right dosage) very successfully detox a person from opiates. Now there will be some variance between a person coming off a twenty year methadone habit Vs someone a year into dabbling with heroin, BUT there would be with any form of detox!
A full flood dose WILL for all intents and purposes reset opiate tolerance back to ZERO, or as good as. It's NOT a good idea to test this out! People have died from using after floods!, The reset effect, combined with Ibogaine potentiating opiates is a dangerous combination.
Ibogaine WILL cover acute withdrawal symptoms in most cases between 80-100% for at least twenty four hours, more commonly up to 72 hours
Ibogaine WILL knock you for six and you will struggle to walk/eat/sleep for a good few days
Ibogaine WILL get you through the majority of acute withdrawals and give you a good basis to start your recovery... Ibogaine is metabolised into Nor-Ibogaine in the liver, this is thought to hang around for a long time post flood, and is generally thought to provide the longer term effects like reduction of cravings
Ibogaine works on many body systems simultaneously, it is contraindicated with antidepressants and anti psychotics... It is advised to be months clear from any SSRI's before taking it
What Ibogaine WONT do:
Ibogaine WILL NOT (at least for the large majority of people), be a magic bullet that will 100% cover ALL your symptoms and make you never want to pick up again
Ibogaine WILL NOT magic away years of opiate abuse that has rewired your brains reward pathways, dopamine and serotonin levels and make you live happily ever after!
Ibogaine WILL NOT get rid of ALL your cravings (in 99% of people)
Ibogaine WILL NOT get rid of ALL your PAWS (although it can for some), Most people will find after a few days post flood they have restless legs, lethargy, slight chills and sweats etc
Now people that have taken Ibogaine expecting it to cure all their problems, have not put any work or thought into aftercare or managing cravings are the most likely to relapse.
Ibogaine is a fantastic tool for detox, and will give you a starting point to plan the rest of your life.
Aftercare, NA/AA meetings, counselling/therapy, support from clean friends and family are AS if not MORE important than the actual detox.
Ive noticed people slagging the medicine off because it 'didnt work for them' a lot recently, and in general these are people that as I have said, went in with elevated and unrealistic expectations of what Ibogaine will do for them.
Just because it didn't work for you does not mean Ibogaine is crap and won't work for other people!, I can think of plenty, thousands in fact that can vouch for that... me being one!
I relapsed because I was not ready, I was a pussy and my addict brain convinced me that I couldn't cope with the very minor PAWS.
Ive probably missed off loads but that's the gist of it!
My life's been manic for the past few months. I've been working loads and trying to hold everything together so this blogs been pushed to the back of my priorities.
I've been offered an opportunity for a low cost treatment with a proper provider if I take part in a follow up documentary to 'detox or die'.
It will be filmed by David Graham Scott, the guy that featured in the original BBC film.
I'm sick of being on maintenance. I'm getting too old for it all!
I worry that junkies don't usually get much older than me. We end up in prison or dead!
It's only an idea at the moment but I'm hopeful it will happen. And of course ill document it all here.
I'm hoping that going for a proper treatment with a provider as opposed to my half assed DIY attempts at home will make a difference.
Anyway... More soon,.. I have stinking flu and need to curl back up in bed and feel sorry for myself.
