After a sixteen year love/hate relationship with Heroin & opiates these are my experiences of addiction and abstinence, treatment, rehabs, detox, ibogaine and recovery
I get the feeling, that this blog and therefore, my own thoughts and behaviours are, to the average reader, quite controversial.
When I first started writing this I was just the other side of my first Iboga experience.
Maybe I was in the happy cloud older Iboga initiates talk of?!
Either way I was so enthused and amazed at how easy, yet incredibly powerful, that first 'flood' was!
The blog continues, charting my journey through addictions and life. Two more full floods followed with lots of half assed attempts inbetween.
Looking back to that first trip I was so naive!
I mean I'd read everything I could find on the subject, I knew the pharmacology and the plants physical and psychological effects. I'd spent nearly two years plucking up the courage to do it.
From what I'd read online, I was expecting this incredible psychedelic, cathartic, energising, beautiful experience. One where I may get nauseous and would certainly get ataxia and wobble about the place. I did everything by the book, 18mg/kg HCL taken in two lots two hours apart.
I'd been preparing for a long time, reducing my methadone, eating healthily, hydrating, cutting out prescribed meds and other recreational drugs. I had a sitter (who was probably more terrified than me!) I had written everything down in case of an emergency and the doctors needed info. I even signed a disclaimer of sorts, proof that I had knowingly and willingly taken Iboga.
Well, I don't remember much, it was amazing though. I do remember bits of it, my partner turning into a purple and green skull with dreadlocks, the drums, the fire, singing and clapping.
You pretty much lose all concept of time, I guess it was about 12 hours later I started to become lucid again.
It is a wonderful feeling, realising you are 36 hours into an opiate detox with zero withdrawal symptoms and no urge to score.
I got emotional, floods of years, happiness, regret, sorrow..
I called my mum and apologised for having worried her for so many years, how sorry I was for letting them all down. It was quite cathartic!
24 hours in and the main Iboga trip is wearing off, I can walk around a bit now, I sipped some juice.
48 hours in and I keep pinching myself, 'am I really clean?' ... 'Im not sick, I should be in the midst of a cold turkey!' .. Na, nothing!..
72 hours...
Start to get a runny nose, guts liquify. I calm myself and convince myself this is just the last of the methadone coming out, they're very minor symptoms and that I should stop being a pussy.
I call ibogaworld and literally beg them to send me some TA or HCL and I'd pay them back when I was better.
(I was, and still am, incredibly grateful to Michele and the ibogaworld team for helping me out like that)
They agreed but it would take ten days to get to me.
I trudge on.. Managing to grab snippets of sleep here and there.
Ok, by day five I'm sick as fuck.
The Iboga has worn off and in shitting and puking and sneezing.. How long does this go on for?!
I can deal with a bit, but this is fucked.
The Iboga on order is at least a week away still!
Day six and I can't cope any longer, it's too painful, I give in and score a bag.
I feel like a piece of shit for not being 'strong enough' to make it.
I justify this as a 'slip' and that ill make another attempt at an Iboga flood in a few months again (which I did do)
So, I learnt a lot from this, I learnt that despite all my hope and determination, methadone, no matter how you detox, is a bitch to get off.
I started hearing more and more stories from people that struggled and 'failed' when trying to get off methadone and suboxone with Ibogaine.
This made me feel a little less crap about myself anyway, it's apparently quite a common scenario.
I see this more and more often, desperate addicts thinking that Iboga is their one and only hope of cleaning up.
It does sound amazing, and don't get me wrong, it IS amazing.
BUT, it really isn't the silver bullet/golden ticket/last chance that people think it is.
Sure, some lucky people do get, exactly what they are looking for, when it all works out its amazing, these people completely turn their lives around. They also, often become very vocal advocates of Iboga, this is beautiful to see and they're doing a sterling job.
The down side to these people though is that they often only see the good and challenge anybody's opinion that doesn't match their own.
I've been told I was just weak and I could have got through that first flood if I'd tried harder.
They will not accept that Iboga just doesn't work the same for everyone.
I have a good friend that went to a provider for treatment, the HCL had zero affect and she spent three days shitting and puking up. Further doses made no difference at all and she eventually managed to crawl home to score.
We don't know why but on occasion Iboga doesn't do what we want it to. It doesn't seem to be down to dosing either.
It's quite possibly genetic.
Just like some people who were perfectly healthy and passed the ECG and blood tests before treatment, drop dead of a heart attack five days after flooding.
No one knows why. All we can do is try to negate the risks and work as safely and responsibly as possible.
I'd love to see some proper stats on this. I don't think there are many studies looking specifically at long term abstinence post Iboga.
I'm pretty sure they would be quite a lot higher than traditional detox and rehab; which from memory stands at about 5%. Same as methadone treatment.
I found this paper which documents a small sample. http://www.ibogaine.org/ibogaine_udi_bastiaans.pdf
I won't quote parts of it but have a read. Interesting stuff.
The problem with doing these type of trials is mainly that the patients drop out and stop reporting, or they relapse or they pass away.
I had some terrible news last weekend.
Two very close friends of mine were killed in a car accident..
I've been trying to come to terms with this all week, I can honestly say I've shed more tears over the untimely death of these people than I have for family members that have passed.
They were called Cat Asche and Chris Bava.
I met them (I say met, more started talking online) about three years ago, I started talking to Chris originally I think from the 'Mindvox' Ibogaine mailing list.
His comments always made me laugh and I usually agreed with him 100%
He was a character, he invited me to join his facebook group the 'Ibogaine Survivors Club' and I duly accepted the offer!
Boy, am I glad I did, I've met and become close friends with so many people through that group!
It's funny, and even difficult for people around me in my real life to begin to understand what these people mean to me, especially Cat & Chris!
I started contributing anyway, when I first joined I was at a stage with my using that I had become totally ambivalent about recovery. I'd sort of come to the conclusion that I'd just never be clean.
Over the weeks and months I started to change my mind, these people, just by recounting their stories, inspired me to have another 'go' at getting clean.
The rest is history so to speak.. I started thinking about trying another iboga detox, I was given very honest opinions and experiences of Iboga, I'd done one flood before but it didn't work, I was coming off a hefty methadone habit though, plus heroin and crack.
The more I've learnt about the way iboga works, I now understand that it struggles with the long acting opiates, methadone or subutex.
So, with the groups support I began to stop using methadone, I got my MST prescription and used 600mg morphine daily for the next 18 months or so.
It must have been around then that David Graham Scott contacted me, he told me he was in the process of filming a follow up documentary to 'detox or die', the film he was in ten years ago, coming off methadone with iboga very successfully.
It all sort of fell together, we planned my flood and filming for mid August.
Cat put a call out in the group for help with costs, I wasn't working and just couldn't afford the £600 I'd need just for the medicine.
Amazingly people donated towards it!
I blogged about this before! ... Anyways, the majority of the money came straight from Chris & Cat, they were so incredibly generous I was humbled really.
So, I do my flood, great, I had one slip a couple weeks later, I was so pissed at myself!
It was around this time I confided my slip in one person in the group I thought I could trust, I had no idea she was quite so unpredictable at the time but she preceded to tell people, including Cat & Chris.
She forced my hand, I was going to tell people in my own time, sadly I had to then write to people privately and make a public statement.. (I think I blogged about all this too but bear with me!)
I wrote personally to Cat & Chris, scared that they would reject me or be angry that they had given me money and I had let them, myself and the group down!
I actually left the group, my support group so that this girl wouldn't have to 'cover my lies' as she put it.
Chris had made me an 'admin' of the group some time before too so I naturally gave that up too.
So, You know what they did?
Put me straight back in the group, re-instated my admin role, gave the girl that caused the problem 24 hours to apologise, which she didn't so they took her out the group!
They then told me that I was a valuable member and that he wouldn't hear of me leaving and instead of being angry they offered to pay for my next treatment if I wanted to try again!
Just constant, unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness with no judgement or anger!
I was so bowled over..!
Anyway, the point of all that was to illustrate what kind of people they were.
Chris had a very colourful past too! He was an international drug smuggler back in the day, really leading the life, sailing round the world, driving Harleys and living off China White heroin.
He had a wake up call when they got busted, he ended up doing six years in a federal jail!
He's often recount the story of at intake he told the guard that he had a hefty CW heroin habit on top of 80mg of methadone and that he would need some kind of maintenance medication. The reply was 'welcome to the big time son, here we go cold turkey!'
He had no choice in the matter!
I think he said he didn't really recover properly for a year!
So, during this time he met a guy that practised Siddha yoga, he talks of a spiritual awakening and he was hungry for more. It was a huge turning point in his life, when he got out he went to India and became a 'seeker'. Living in ashrams with guru's .. He often said he loved the 'Seva', basically service, helping others, he got a buzz from it. He was totally clean for 17 years.
After meeting Cat in Australia they moved back to the states and opened a nightclub in the LA artist district, they did this for a few years, putting on the annual burning man 'decompression' event.
During this time both of them struggled with their own demons, Chris relapsed on heroin and Cat methamphetamine mainly.
They had moved to Tijuana, Mexico a few years ago to clean up.
Chris underwent treatment with iboga a few times and readily admits it didn't work for him, he could see the potential though and advocated it's use for others after that.
He eventually got clean in an 'intervention' style Mexican rehab. The family took him down to this beautiful looking clinic which boasted equine therapy and a swimming pool and gym.
As soon as the family left he was basically bundled into a sub-terranian, cockroach infested cellar. locked up and left for three weeks!
Cat would call to see how he was doing and would be told 'Chris is doing great! He's been riding horses today and sends his love'
As horrendous as this sounds, he attributed his getting sober to this place, he was always saying 'when the addict is ready the solution will appear'
Cat & Chris spent the last few years opening their home to addicts coming for treatment in Mexico, they would arrange cheap treatments and feed and home people needing help.
They loved animals and would take in strays, they had eight cats in total and two lovely little dogs.
Chris would spend a lot of time in Zone Norte, the red light district of TJ, befriending the homeless deportees. There was a trust there and Chris started to photograph them with stunning results!
He had ablog here
They were both working with a small charity called Prevencasa which helped the deportees and sex workers with clean injecting equipment and clothes etc.
If anyone is looking for a way to donate and continue his work seriously consider donating to them!
They were both artists in their own right too, Chris's brother Mark was an amazing sculptor, Mark sadly died in the accident too.
It's come to light after their passing just how extensive their 'Seva' was. There are lots of people they supported financially and emotionally, never expecting anything in return, they were truly selfless people and we should all take a lesson from them!
Cat was the kindest, sweetest woman I've ever known, so gentle and caring. She was always there for me when I needed advice or support. I'm so glad I got to say how much I appreciate them in our last few messages and I got to give her some money back too which felt good, I was sold by someone that she was very touched I had as 'most people never bother' .. It made me cry hearing that actually.
Cat had lent me the money to pay for a new piano recently, she was really keen I got back into playing again, it's made me more determined than ever to play more music!
I'd asked her to request me a song and I'd record it for her. Sadly she never got to hear it but I recorded it the next day and uploaded it to youtube.. It's a bit messy with a few mistakes but it was a first take recording and I was trying hard not to cry! Here it is anyway
I could write more on these two, there was so much more!
Although what has happened is incredibly shocking and sad there were some blessings, they went together being the big one. I think one passing would have been too painful to bear.
They had also just gone to see Bob Dylan in concert so had had a great night!
They weren't even driving when this happened, they had pulled over to the hard shoulder for a rest and were ploughed into from behind by a little Honda doing 65mph.. (the driver survived)
It's been interesting to see peoples behaviour too, people that have acted with little respect and taken stuff from their house within a day of the news fills me with rage, people they had supported financially for the last six months too!
But in general the group has become tight and we've all supported each other.
As the only other admin at the group I've had to continue day to day admin duties, all pretty stressful!
Chris used to do it, and although he rarely chastised anyone publicly and he always managed to keep up the appearance of little intervention in the running of the group, they both spent hours and hours in PM with members and 'vetting' new requests to join as sadly facebook is full of trolls, people that just want to cause trouble.
I feel as though Chris has entrusted the group to me and I will do everything in my power to make sure the group continues.
Well, I only covered a fraction of what I wanted to here, I'll leave you with some of Chris's best quotes!
"Time, time ... so much to do and so little of it. :))" Chris Bava 09/22/12
"There's a thin line between breakdown and breakthrough." Chris Bava 10/10/2012
"Speaking of twilight zone, how about deceased people still
posting on FB?! Christopher Hitchins still posts and a local Mexican
artist we knew (who died last year) just updated his cover pic. It's
kind of charming. I put a 'like' anyway smile" Cat Asche, 10/10/2012
"We're all going to lose parents, loved ones and family members
.. that's life. As addicts we're or the addiction is always looking
for a reason to re-establish or continue itself. You certainly can get
by without having to shoot heroin, first make sure you prevent that
from happening." Chris Bava, 10/11/2012
Test, whether it is or isnt who can say but it's life compressed
in months .. and it seems to happen, if you can hit the warrior switch
like I mentioned before in other words tell god to "bring it" it will
all seem not so bleak and devastating .. anyway that was my trick ...
and I'd say to myself "savage grace, savage grace" ... in the world of
yoga they say it's the shkati burning away the samskaras .. they call
it tapasya .. or doing austerities .. passing thru difficulties as a
means of purifying .. it worked for me and believe it or not there's a
kernel of truth to it." - Chris Bava
" No? Because the truth is we're aren't anybody .. whatever
importance we ascribe to ourself is a fantasy, it has no importance to
anything other than to a tiny blip in time .. primarily "our" time ...
it's easier to let go as a the nobodies we are." - Chris Bava
Yes, and I think advice good or bad is about the same,
worthless, if there is any benefit in the group it's not getting advice
but maybe a kind of resonance with others that makes some people not
have to feel so all alone ... everything else is fluff, entertainment
while something else beneficial could be going on for a few who might
otherwise be on the tipping point. Advice is the worst kind of
helpfulness, unless someone specifically asks for it and even then, who
really pays attention or uses it?" - Chris Bava June 24 2011
"All I know is one day you'll be whistling along with all the
time in the world & at some point you'll wake up with a start to
realize there's no going back and now you're like an asteroid hurtling
helplessly through space toward your demise where the end could as well
be today as tomorrow. Some days it's alarming, others exhilarating but
time & life become vastly different from when mortality was just an
abstraction, something far off and unimaginable somewhere on the other
side of my universe. We're all doing time and living under a sentence
of death, if you're lucky you'll find out that you're nobody or you'll
be cursed in believing that you were somebody that did something
remarkably important." - Chris Bava 9/23/2012
"Screwballs, and gangsters" had to go into centro yesterday to
pick up a young man from Boston who is here for ibogaine treatment
while waiting I crawled the car around the deep back streets on the
city, Cat asked why I'm attracted to the worst sections of the city. I
think I find the best stories there written on the faces, streets and
walls ... life's pathos so obvious here. Mine breaks more for the
animals too, for me the saddest thing of all is the innocent beautiful
look in the eyes of birds and all the animals suffer illness & pain
with such dignity, it seems.Maybe this tragedy will teach people
humility, though I kind of doubt it. xocb " - Chris Bava , June 30, 2010 (he's referring to the animals hurt in the oil spill )
"I dont feel any need to sit for formal meditation, it
sometimes just comes over me. I prefer the very late hours too (or very
early) and seems regardless of when I go to sleep I wake up around 3
or 4. I think in India they called it the nectar hours when the world
around you was asleep, considered an auspicious time to be awake. That
was the thinking around the ashram anyway. Once you become tuned into a
particular teacher, I like the concept of the teacher being not the
person but the resonance between sage and seeker then I guess that
resonance would be there whether the entity was or not." - Chris Bava, June 21, 2010
"it's not necessary to have daily interactions (with a guru) ..
maybe a few to develop a kind of bond .. or even online .. by asking
questions, something happens .. anyway, it's all about a bond .. I
suppose that isn't confined to time and space but happens more often
in time and space...a guru isnt a person it's a resonance, a principle
that will inevitably cause a lot of trouble for you ... a good teacher
will always." - Chris Bava, August 15, 2012
"Yeah, I understood your question and actually feel it silly to
think somehow meditators will automatically be spared life's
unfortunate circumstance because they sit regularly doing whatever they
do to meditate. Delirium is as much part of the universe as daffodils
and bliss, why is that one spared and the other isn't? The better
question would be "Why not?" So, someone falls, becomes confused and
then delirious in hospital they'd not only have to feel humiliated
enough by the experience but also made to feel guilty because they
somehow fell short of something they should've been better at or doing
more of. Somehow they screwed up the deal and it was their fault. Since
I turned 50 I've been saying intentional communities should to be set
up, run by seniors for seniors in a loose, hip way that would appeal to
our generation of fringe people. Probably doesn't help that hospitals
look and feel the way they do, sterile, scary with staff too stressed
out and busy to be personable and why the many who go to hospitals for a
'bad' acid trip wind up getting worse and given awful anti-psychotic
medications. I bet that'd eliminate a decent portion of the nightmare.
Community can do wonderful things. I used to be able to stay awake
until all hours, and sleep few. Now I have no control, I fall asleep
relatively early and wake up very early. I guess this lack of control
comes with age, though I believe our sense of control is just an
overlay on whats really in control anyway. xocb" -Chris Bava , June 22, 2010
Realising you are addicted to anything is difficult and traumatic, admitting it to others is even harder.
I remember when it first dawned on me that the flu like symptoms I was getting when not using heroin were actually withdrawal symptoms!
I dealt with it by burying my head in the sand and taking more heroin....
It took a while until I was ready to actually deal with the situation and start looking for help.
I initially went to my GP and was prescribed methadone, a long acting opiate that's regularly used in the UK for heroin addicts.
I was fairly naive I guess, and didn't understand just how powerful a drug methadone is, typically heroin has a half life of around 1.5-7 hours, averaging at around 4, which means an average addict having to use at least twice a day, often more.
Methadone is designed to have a 15-60 hour half life, but it averages 22 which builds up in the body the longer you take it. There is a lot of variation person to person though and I like many others found I had to split the dose over the day or I would be withdrawing by night time, this is one of the inherent problems of the 'one size fits all' treatment of addicts.
It's a myth that it gets into your bones, but it does sit in fat cells.
Methadone is the gold standard in opiate addiction treatment, even though it only has a 4% success rate!
It's cheap, can be prescribed by GP's without a home office license and gives users a chance to get they're lives together.
Methadone can also prescribed in an injectable form although it's rare now.
Buprenorphine is a partial antagonist as well as agonist, meaning it binds to the opiate receptors but also has a partial blocking effect meaning users can't get high if they take heroin (although many claim you can, especially on low doses)
It also means if buprenorphine is taken shortly after heroin the user will suffer precipitated withdrawals, the blocking effect will also render any opiates useless for around 24 hours, so trying to take heroin to stop the withdrawals will have no effect!
Back in the 80s diamorphine (pharmaceutical heroin) was prescribed to a small amount of addicts (notably at the stapleford clinic) and up until the late 90's private doctors would still prescribe too.
These are classed as 'out patient' or community treatment options and are usually combined with regular counselling.
Rehab is probably the most successful way to treat heroin addicts at the moment, although many people would argue otherwise.
There are different types of rehab and they vary enormously in length of treatment and philosophy.
If your lucky enough to be able to afford private treatment you can go for a three month stay at a beautiful retreat type centre that offers alternative therapies along side detoxification and counselling.
For most people though rehab means being admitted to an NHS style, two week, quick detox.
They provide varying levels of aftercare with most offering post detox rehabilitation in a halfway house or similar. (If you can get funding)
Most centers, private or not adhere to the NA philosophy of 'finding and giving in to your higher power'
In my opinion this is where a lot of them fall down, I don't believe in god, and as much as NA says otherwise it is the christian version of god they want you to accept.
I was brought up catholic, in catholic schools and had it rammed down my throat most of my childhood, maybe this is why I have such a problem with it.
It also seems a bit cultish, especially as during a detox you are so vulnerable, it always felt like they were trying to convert me whilst I was down and open to anything that might take the pain away..
There is no magic bullet for opiate withdrawal unfortunately..
When you get to rehab you will be seen by the doctor and given a full medical examination, they will look at your drug use and if your on methadone will reduce your dose over a period of a few days usually, way too fast for such a long acting opiate, the half life that has built up over years of methadone abuse means it takes WEEKS to leave the body and even when it has long term addicts will most likely suffer post acute withdrawal symptoms (PAWS)
Some centers use drugs like clonidine/lofexidine a blood pressure medication that reduces physical withdrawal symptoms, it unfortunately also makes you feel like your walking around in a space suit!
The better places will offer benzodiazepines to help take the edge off and to help you sleep, most wont medicate anything that will make you feel better though and tend instead to try and treat the symptoms.
These include quinine for cramps and restless leg syndrome, anti-diorreah meds, deep heat for aching muscles, lavender oil to help sleep, paracetamol and that's about it.
Unfortunately the only thing that will ever really get you through a detox is willpower, and that's something that cant be forced.
Other treatments include places like detox 5, that basically put you to sleep for 5 days while they pump you with naltrexlone to push the opiates out (and it costs a bloody fortune for the pleasure).
In Thailand you can go and stay with monks that physically purge you, and of course there's always ibogaine...!
I'm slightly biased but after numerous different treatments the only thing that has ever worked for me, withdrawal wise is ibogaine.
You can always try it Trainspotting stylee!
If your lucky enough to be able to beg borrow or steal some comfort meds (IE benzo's) or if your more organized, some dihydrocodeine so you can taper down this is probably your best shot.
The most difficult bit is cutting contact with using mates and most difficult of all, deleting all your dealers numbers and changing your phone number!
Not many people succeed doing it this way, like the film you will more often than not end up ripping the planks off the door and running out to score!
Willpower dear Watson..
Ultimately changing behaviours and habits is key to recovery, replacing the day to day grind of grafting for money, scoring and using is the biggest challenge and takes a lot of work, this is where long term rehabilitation has it's benefits.
Here are some of the main rehabs in the UK:
These two I've had personal experience with;
Clouds House, is a six week residential detox and rehab centre, its in Salisbury and is where most people from the south of the UK will be sent, I went there three times altogether and never completed for one reason or another, they offer opiate detoxification with Clonidine and it's philosophy is based on the Narcotics Anonymous 'abstinence' model.
City Roads is based in London and specialises in 'crisis intervention'.
They will take you on short notice if your in urgent need of detoxification. Stays are usually two weeks and they will organise three to six month residential or 'halfway house' type when you leave.
I haven't been to these centers;
Narcanon is based in Lea-On-Sea, it has a good reputation but they don't use prescribed medication to aid withdrawal, alcoholics will receive IV vitamins and all patients benefit from alternative therapies.
I thought Narcanon was based on Narcotics Anonymous but after more research it's a front for the church of Scientology! (See below) Which begs the question why is it called Narcanon?
EDIT: After a comment posted on here informing me that Narcanon is a Scientology based rehab I am adding this info too.... I didn't realise this, and I'm pretty shocked actually.. if you know anything about Scientology, other than that Tom Cruise is a member, it's that they use somewhat questionable tactics to get people into they're 'programme'.. They have a habit of exploiting the most vulnerable members of society and indoctrinating them into what basically amounts to a cult.. the biggest cult in the world! So they are basically using a rehab as a front to induct new members! That's shocking! And immoral..! I leave is to you to make your mind up on this one, but it's not somewhere I'd want to go! In fact, the more I think and write about this the more angry I'm getting....
Charis is a London based rehab facility that offer long term support by using supported housing units and dorms for people that have been through detox.
I know people that have been there and it is apparently very good, residents start off sharing dorms and by adhering to the programme of group therapy and counselling gradually work they're way up to sole occupancy flats. They specialise in long-term recovery and the waiting list is very long.
Hope House uses a 12-step integrated abstinence-based model using a holistic approach recognising emotional, physical, educational and recreational needs. The project is women-only with an all-female staff team. Second stage treatment facilitates the transition back into the community. Provides a safe space - community living and peer support. Life skills are gained through participation in the running of the house and in decision making about domestic and community matters, resettlement and housing advice. Attendance at self-help groups - AA, NA. Day and aftercare programmes are provided upon completion of the residential programme.
It is possible to be detoxified as in in-patient in an NHS hospital type setting but the waiting list is very long and they have a reputation of not being particularly good.
