Christmas N Stuff

Hmmm, it's that time of year again.. The time for families to guilt trip each other into spending money they haven't got and everyone sits around wishing they were at home with a pile of gear.. ;)
I usually go to my mums, unfortunately she's working this year so were staying in London. I grabbed the opportunity to go volunteer for 'crisis at Christmas' .. I did it once before years ago, in fact I was a service user one year when I was homeless.. Crisis do great work, they have day centres up and down the country and work to help people who are street homeless.
Every year they do 'Crisis At Christmas' they open day centres across London and provide Christmas dinners, I think they cooked 16000 meals last year!
Besides the food they use a huge team if volunteers to provide healthcare, dentist, addiction key workers, complimentary therapists and counsellor.
This year I've volunteered as an entertainer! I'm playing a one hour set on piano!
I got myself a new keyboard a while back, I'd love to work full time as a pianist, at a piano bar or even session musician.

Music is the only thing I ever really gave a shit about, I've had so many different jobs I've the years! I never really followed my dream if being a pianist because I could t see a career in it for me. I don't have many regrets in my life, even getting on heroin was a huge life lesson.,! I do however, regret not staying at school, I really believe if I'd concentrate more on music I could have gone to an academy or uni to study for a degree, I have my grades up to 6 I think, I play be ear really, I can read music (although I'm really rusty) if I have to, but I picked up piano and guitar by sitting for hours playing and seeing what notes sounded good together! I discovered triads pretty early on :)
Before my friend Cat died she helped me by lending me some money towards buying my keyboard. She believed in me and wanted me to follow my dreams. It's with that in my thoughts that I've contacted goldsmiths to try and get on their music degree course, starting September 2013.
What I'd really like to do is music therapy, the degree will enable me to do a therapy course or just teach, I'd have to sit my grades up to 8 and do an access course too apparently..
It would mean 5-6 years study.. I'd be nearly 40 by the time I qualify! Although I'd be a 40 year old with a degree!
I'm trying to get some direction in my life anyway, it's time to do something I actually want to do I don't think I'm the kind of person that can do a job I hate. I've had some good jobs in my time too. I was the deputy general manager of one of the biggest clubs in London for a couple of years, good money but shit hours and a lot of stress! I'd much rather be teaching someone how to play piano!
I'm doing ok otherwise, I've been quiet this last few months because I've been trying to concentrate on myself. I'm still clean, I still use ibogaine root bark most days. Let me make it clear though, I am in no way dependent on it, physically or psychologically, I ran out a while back and I ended up sitting through some of the most intense cravings I've ever had! I had a couple of using dreams too... I hate them, they're always so vivid, usually I'm running around the streets, hustling up cash, then I go score, get home, cook up, I find a vein, pull back red and do it... That's when I wake up! Expecting a nice warm rush but nothing happens! Haha.. Pure torture! I don't think people who have never gone through opiate withdrawal understand just how intense and insidious the effects of detox can be! When you can't even get a moment of relief in the few hours of sleep you manage to grab things get hard!
I'm still trying to deal with the Facebook group i sort of inherited.. Who knew that as an admin you get so much abuse! I'm taking a break from it all for a few weeks. It all got a bit much, when I gained the admin ship I lost my support group, as an admin it feels there is this unspoken expectation to hold it together and be an inspiration to others struggling with their own recovery. People seem to forget that I'm newly clean myself!
It seems whenever you do good people just can't wait to try and drag you down!.. Or back into using as the case may be.
Just by being the third admin and inheriting full responsibility I gained a bunch of ready made haters and trolls.,! I wish I had a thicker skin, it's a steel learning curve, learning to let shit roll right off your back, I'm a pretty sensitive kinda guy.. It hurts when I, being called a cunt and fag for no other reason that I'm the admin of a support group

Anyways... I hope you all have bearable Christmases!

Here's a link to my (bad) attempt at playing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' on the piano!.. Man that's a hard song to Play! let alone sing 'gallileo gallileo' at the same time! haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXSetKK5B1k&sns=em

Oh, and if you'd like to sponsor me at crisis, ie donate towards providing the food and services you can do so here...: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/SidSkid
Thanks to my family and friends I smashed my first goal of £100 and had to up it to £150!!

Precipitated Withdrawal's ... A Painful Reality Check

I learnt a valuable lesson last night.. 12 hours isn't long enough to wait before taking suboxone!

I've been really struggling recently, every week I run short of my MST, the 600mg daily im prescribed just isn't enough. The problem is, because I stabilized for a good couple of months at 600mg, my doctor now doesn't think I need more.

Obviously my heroin use on top has blown my tolerance through the roof. 

I've had to come up with stories about loosing my medication, over-using it because I have a cold and am mistaking the symptoms for WD's etc, but last night was the final straw.

I was 24 hours short again, I wasn't too worried because I had 4mg in total of suboxone stashed, I thought this would be enough to get me through, maybe not comfortably, but enough nether the less.

I had my last shot at 4pm Tuesday afternoon, so by midnight I was starting to feel it.. the sickness was in the post as sickboy would say.

After some quick research I concluded that 12 hours was pretty much the minimum time needed before taking the subs.. this was suboxone too by the way, not subutex.

3am came, and I was really starting to feel it, 11 hours post last hit. So i nibbled a quarter of a 2mg suboxone and waited 45 minutes,.. nothing.. so I had a half, 1mg.. and waited again.. 

An hour later I felt a slight lessening of symptoms so I just shoved the rest of the other 2mg down me neck.

Well... the rest is a bit of a blur.. within half an hour I had grey, cold clammy, sweating skin. My bowels had turned to water and the snot was pouring out my nose. 

I started to panic, im asthmatic, and with the sudden lack of opiates suppressing my cough reflex I felt like someone was sat on my chest.

I was tearing the flat apart, quietly, trying not to wake up my boyfriend, anything!, I must have something stashed somewhere!

By 5am I was freaking out and felt like  I was three days into a methadone withdrawal.

I decided my only option was to call an ambulance and go to the ER. Through the snot and tears I was apologizing for wasting theyre time with my self inflicted, non emergency call out.

They were all lovely though and took me up to the hospital. 

It didn't occur to me until this morning that it wasn't just normal withdrawal I was experiencing, but the dreaded 'precipitated withdrawal' that happens when buprenorphine and naltrexlone is taken when you still have opiates in your system!

When the paramedics handed me over to the triage nurse in ER, she actually looked me up and down and said 'so, sorry, what's the actual medical issue?' .. I looked at the paramedic and said  ' yeah, that's exactly why I shouldn't have come'  haha.. 

The nurse just couldn't understand why I was there, no injury or obvious complaint.

She told me to go sit down and wait... The doctor will see me but there's a three hour wait..!

THREE HOURS! .. That's the one thing I dont have!... TIME!

By this point I thought I was going to pass out, I was dizzy and couldn't sit still, honestly the last time I was that sick was at rehab doing a cold turkey from 90mls of methadone!

At some point the doctor saw me, I told him all I needed was some methadone but they don't have methadone in ER, he was worried about giving me anything as he didn't want to OD me, if only he knew what my tolerance is like! I can easily get through 3grams of heroin a day plus 600-1000mg MST IV.. I finally managed to get 60mg codeine phosphate and 10mg diazepam out of him and sort of slipped into an uncomfortable sweaty sleep....

9am the 'substance misuse' nurse came to see me, told me they weren't going to admit me and all she could do was take me over to the 'specialist addiction unit' at 10am when they open. Then she just disappeared

I took myself over to the SAU at 10am but all the doctors and key-workers were in the morning meeting, and my psych wasn't even on site.. Now im just so tired, sick and pissed off I didn't know what to do. 

Im stuck 5 miles from home and a possible H link up, they they tell me I won't be dealt with till after 1.30, and even then theres no guarantee of getting any medicine.

I get a cab home, borrow some cash and go score.. like a zombie.. sick, no sleep, crawling down the road to my link, i make it, then I have to get to the park toilets.. Finally, I make it, I cook up, im telling myself 3 minutes, 2 minutes... I get it in.. I stare at the mirror at my pupils like saucers waiting for the gear to hit and them to pin... im waiting.. I just shot near enough half a gram of decent heroin.. nothing!.. Nothing happens!

It dawns on me as I tear up that the subs are blocking my opiate receptors.. I only had 4mg! Im still sick...!

medicine

I manage to blag some MST and shoot 200mg three times in a row.. NOTHING..

Its taken my all day, and a ton of gear to feel normal again, I literally cannot believe what's just happened to me!

So guys and girls, what's the moral to the story!? DON'T take subutex/suboxone 11 hours after shooting gear when you have the tolerance and habit of an elephant!

Setting The Record Straight

Setting the record straight about Ibogaine

I feel I need to write this post, there are a lot of questions around the efficacy of Ibogaine, worries about deaths and a lot of people bash it when it doesn't work for them.

I think a lot of the time issues revolve around whether it works or not so hopefully this post will help.

Going in with high expectations is very common, and where a lot of people fall down, it's the addict mentality I think, wanting a quick fix, and when it doesn't happen people bash it, and say it doesn't work.

So here are some thoughts I hope will help:

What Ibogaine WILL do: 

• Regarded as an 'addiction interruptor', Ibogaine WILL (in the right dosage) very successfully detox a person from opiates. Now there will be some variance between a person coming off a twenty year methadone habit Vs someone a year into dabbling with heroin, BUT there would be with any form of detox!
• A full flood dose WILL for all intents and purposes reset opiate tolerance back to ZERO, or as good as. It's NOT a good idea to test this out! People have died from using after floods!, The reset effect, combined with Ibogaine potentiating opiates is a dangerous combination.
• Ibogaine WILL cover acute withdrawal symptoms in most cases between 80-100% for at least twenty four hours, more commonly up to 72 hours
• Ibogaine WILL knock you for six and you will struggle to walk/eat/sleep for a good few days
• Ibogaine WILL get you through the majority of acute withdrawals and give you a good basis to start your recovery... Ibogaine is metabolised into Nor-Ibogaine in the liver, this is thought to hang around for a long time post flood, and is generally thought to provide the longer term effects like reduction of cravings
• Ibogaine works on many body systems simultaneously, it is contraindicated with antidepressants and anti psychotics... It is advised to be months clear from any SSRI's before taking it

What Ibogaine WONT do:

• Ibogaine WILL NOT (at least for the large majority of people), be a magic bullet that will 100% cover ALL your symptoms and make you never want to pick up again
• Ibogaine WILL NOT magic away years of opiate abuse that has rewired your brains reward pathways, dopamine and serotonin levels and make you live happily ever after!
• Ibogaine WILL NOT get rid of ALL your cravings (in 99% of people)
• Ibogaine WILL NOT get rid of ALL your PAWS (although it can for some), Most people will find after a few days post flood they have restless legs, lethargy, slight chills and sweats etc

Now people that have taken Ibogaine expecting it to cure all their problems, have not put any work or thought into aftercare or managing cravings are the most likely to relapse.

Ibogaine is a fantastic tool for detox, and will give you a starting point to plan the rest of your life.

Aftercare, NA/AA meetings, counselling/therapy, support from clean friends and family are AS if not MORE important than the actual detox.

Ive noticed people slagging the medicine off because it 'didnt work for them' a lot recently, and in general these are people that as I have said, went in with elevated and unrealistic expectations of what Ibogaine will do for them.

Just because it didn't work for you does not mean Ibogaine is crap and won't work for other people!, I can think of plenty, thousands in fact that can vouch for that... me being one!

I relapsed because I was not ready, I was a pussy and my addict brain convinced me that I couldn't cope with the very minor PAWS.

Ive probably missed off loads but that's the gist of it!

MST Update - SMART UK

So, after seeing my psychiatrist last week I'm now taking 180mg twice daily..

Apparently for working out equivalencies they take the MST dose and divide by six, I read on the 'release' (Page 19 Here) *PDF*

website that it's actually more like dividing by eight though.

This means I'm taking the equivalent of between 45-60mg/mls methadone, which is a pretty standard dose I guess...

I really don't want to go too high, I'm just making it more difficult for myself to get off! 

MST withdrawal isn't very nice apparently, but it can't be any worse than Methadone or Subutex! And I've done both...

I've also discovered 'SMART Recovery' - Taken from they're website...

Our purpose is to help individuals seeking abstinence from addictive behaviours to gain independence, achieve recovery and lead meaningful and satisfying lives.

The approach is secular and science based; using motivational, behavioral and cognitive methods. We view substance/activity dependence as a dysfunctional habit, while recognising that it is possible that certain people have a predisposition towards addictive behaviour.

Our self empowering, 4-point recovery programme consists of:

· Point 1: Enhancing and Maintaining Motivation to Abstain

· Point 2: Coping with Urges

· Point 3: Problem Solving (Managing thoughts, feelings and behaviours)

· Point 4: Lifestyle Balance (Balancing momentary and enduring satisfactions)

It was started in the U.S as an alternative/adjunct to NA/AA. 

It's based on a similar group therapy model, BUT... (and this is the important bit to me) there is no 'finding your higher power' involved, it was set up by a group of addiction specialists, counsellors, CBT practitioners and the theory is to use a bunch of 'tools' to help a person attain abstinence.

Another fundamental difference to NA is that the group meetings are run with the aid of a 'facilitator', trained to oversee the meeting.

The movement is growing in the UK, there are a few face to face meetings around the country but they also offer online web chat style meetings weekly.

I intend to get involved, I always found NA to be unwelcoming, judgmental, cliquey and hypocritical.

I never felt welcome as a newcomer, and was made to feel bad for taking methadone/sub/mst/ibogaine.

There always seems to be a pecking order, junkies below alcoholics, alcoholics below coke-heads etc...

Silly really, but I guess that's humans for ya!...