Christmas N Stuff

Hmmm, it's that time of year again.. The time for families to guilt trip each other into spending money they haven't got and everyone sits around wishing they were at home with a pile of gear.. ;)
I usually go to my mums, unfortunately she's working this year so were staying in London. I grabbed the opportunity to go volunteer for 'crisis at Christmas' .. I did it once before years ago, in fact I was a service user one year when I was homeless.. Crisis do great work, they have day centres up and down the country and work to help people who are street homeless.
Every year they do 'Crisis At Christmas' they open day centres across London and provide Christmas dinners, I think they cooked 16000 meals last year!
Besides the food they use a huge team if volunteers to provide healthcare, dentist, addiction key workers, complimentary therapists and counsellor.
This year I've volunteered as an entertainer! I'm playing a one hour set on piano!
I got myself a new keyboard a while back, I'd love to work full time as a pianist, at a piano bar or even session musician.

Music is the only thing I ever really gave a shit about, I've had so many different jobs I've the years! I never really followed my dream if being a pianist because I could t see a career in it for me. I don't have many regrets in my life, even getting on heroin was a huge life lesson.,! I do however, regret not staying at school, I really believe if I'd concentrate more on music I could have gone to an academy or uni to study for a degree, I have my grades up to 6 I think, I play be ear really, I can read music (although I'm really rusty) if I have to, but I picked up piano and guitar by sitting for hours playing and seeing what notes sounded good together! I discovered triads pretty early on :)
Before my friend Cat died she helped me by lending me some money towards buying my keyboard. She believed in me and wanted me to follow my dreams. It's with that in my thoughts that I've contacted goldsmiths to try and get on their music degree course, starting September 2013.
What I'd really like to do is music therapy, the degree will enable me to do a therapy course or just teach, I'd have to sit my grades up to 8 and do an access course too apparently..
It would mean 5-6 years study.. I'd be nearly 40 by the time I qualify! Although I'd be a 40 year old with a degree!
I'm trying to get some direction in my life anyway, it's time to do something I actually want to do I don't think I'm the kind of person that can do a job I hate. I've had some good jobs in my time too. I was the deputy general manager of one of the biggest clubs in London for a couple of years, good money but shit hours and a lot of stress! I'd much rather be teaching someone how to play piano!
I'm doing ok otherwise, I've been quiet this last few months because I've been trying to concentrate on myself. I'm still clean, I still use ibogaine root bark most days. Let me make it clear though, I am in no way dependent on it, physically or psychologically, I ran out a while back and I ended up sitting through some of the most intense cravings I've ever had! I had a couple of using dreams too... I hate them, they're always so vivid, usually I'm running around the streets, hustling up cash, then I go score, get home, cook up, I find a vein, pull back red and do it... That's when I wake up! Expecting a nice warm rush but nothing happens! Haha.. Pure torture! I don't think people who have never gone through opiate withdrawal understand just how intense and insidious the effects of detox can be! When you can't even get a moment of relief in the few hours of sleep you manage to grab things get hard!
I'm still trying to deal with the Facebook group i sort of inherited.. Who knew that as an admin you get so much abuse! I'm taking a break from it all for a few weeks. It all got a bit much, when I gained the admin ship I lost my support group, as an admin it feels there is this unspoken expectation to hold it together and be an inspiration to others struggling with their own recovery. People seem to forget that I'm newly clean myself!
It seems whenever you do good people just can't wait to try and drag you down!.. Or back into using as the case may be.
Just by being the third admin and inheriting full responsibility I gained a bunch of ready made haters and trolls.,! I wish I had a thicker skin, it's a steel learning curve, learning to let shit roll right off your back, I'm a pretty sensitive kinda guy.. It hurts when I, being called a cunt and fag for no other reason that I'm the admin of a support group

Anyways... I hope you all have bearable Christmases!

Here's a link to my (bad) attempt at playing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' on the piano!.. Man that's a hard song to Play! let alone sing 'gallileo gallileo' at the same time! haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXSetKK5B1k&sns=em

Oh, and if you'd like to sponsor me at crisis, ie donate towards providing the food and services you can do so here...: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/SidSkid
Thanks to my family and friends I smashed my first goal of £100 and had to up it to £150!!

A Tribute For Two Amazing People

I had some terrible news last weekend.
Two very close friends of mine were killed in a car accident..

I've been trying to come to terms with this all week, I can honestly say I've shed more tears over the untimely death of these people than I have for family members that have passed.

They were called Cat Asche and Chris Bava.
I met them (I say met, more started talking online) about three years ago, I started talking to Chris originally I think from the 'Mindvox' Ibogaine mailing list.
His comments always made me laugh and I usually agreed with him 100%
He was a character, he invited me to join his facebook group the 'Ibogaine Survivors Club' and I duly accepted the offer!

Boy, am I glad I did, I've met and become close friends with so many people through that group!
It's funny, and even difficult for people around me in my real life to begin to understand what these people mean to me, especially Cat & Chris!
I started contributing anyway, when I first joined I was at a stage with my using that I had become totally ambivalent about recovery. I'd sort of come to the conclusion that I'd just never be clean.
Over the weeks and months I started to change my mind, these people, just by recounting their stories, inspired me to have another 'go' at getting clean.
The rest is history so to speak.. I started thinking about trying another iboga detox, I was given very honest opinions and experiences of Iboga, I'd done one flood before but it didn't work, I was coming off a hefty methadone habit though, plus heroin and crack.
The more I've learnt about the way iboga works, I now understand that it struggles with the long acting opiates, methadone or subutex.
So, with the groups support I began to stop using methadone, I got my MST prescription and used 600mg morphine daily for the next 18 months or so.

It must have been around then that David Graham Scott contacted me, he told me he was in the process of filming a follow up documentary to 'detox or die', the film he was in ten years ago, coming off methadone with iboga very successfully.
It all sort of fell together, we planned my flood and filming for mid August.
Cat put a call out in the group for help with costs, I wasn't working and just couldn't afford the £600 I'd need just for the medicine.
Amazingly people donated towards it!
I blogged about this before! ... Anyways, the majority of the money came straight from Chris & Cat, they were so incredibly generous I was humbled really.

So, I do my flood, great, I had one slip a couple weeks later, I was so pissed at myself!
It was around this time I confided my slip in one person in the group I thought I could trust, I had no idea she was quite so unpredictable at the time but she preceded to tell people, including Cat & Chris.
She forced my hand, I was going to tell people in my own time, sadly I had to then  write to people privately and make a public statement.. (I think I blogged about all this too but bear with me!)
I wrote personally to Cat & Chris, scared that they would reject me or be angry that they had given me money and I had let them, myself and the group down!
I actually left the group, my support group so that this girl wouldn't have to 'cover my lies' as she put it.
Chris had made me an 'admin' of the group some time before too so I naturally gave that up too.

So, You know what they did?

Put me straight back in the group, re-instated my admin role, gave the girl that caused the problem 24 hours to apologise, which she didn't so they took her out the group!
They then told me that I was a valuable member and that he wouldn't hear of me leaving and instead of being angry they offered to pay for my next treatment if I wanted to try again!
Just constant, unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness with no judgement or anger!

I was so bowled over..!

Anyway, the point of all that was to illustrate what kind of people they were.
Chris had a very colourful past too! He was an international drug smuggler back in the day, really leading the life, sailing round the world, driving Harleys and living off China White heroin.
He had a wake up call when they got busted, he ended up doing six years in a federal jail!
He's often recount the story of at intake he told the guard that he had a hefty CW heroin habit on top of 80mg of methadone and that he would need some kind of maintenance medication. The reply was 'welcome to the big time son, here we go cold turkey!'
He had no choice in the matter!
I think he said he didn't really recover properly for a year!

So, during this time he met a guy that practised Siddha yoga, he talks of a spiritual awakening and he was hungry for more. It was a huge turning point in his life, when he got out he went to India and became a 'seeker'. Living in ashrams with guru's .. He often said he loved the 'Seva', basically service, helping others, he got a buzz from it. He was totally clean for 17 years.

After meeting Cat in Australia they moved back to the states and opened a nightclub in the LA artist district, they did this for a few years, putting on the annual burning man 'decompression' event.
During this time both of them struggled with their own demons, Chris relapsed on heroin and Cat methamphetamine mainly.
They had moved to Tijuana, Mexico a few years ago to clean up.
Chris underwent treatment with iboga a few times and readily admits it didn't work for him, he could see the potential though and advocated it's use for others after that.
He eventually got clean in an 'intervention' style Mexican rehab. The family took him down to this beautiful looking clinic which boasted equine therapy and a swimming pool and gym.
As soon as the family left he was basically bundled into a sub-terranian, cockroach infested cellar. locked up and left for three weeks!
Cat would call to see how he was doing and would be told 'Chris is doing great! He's been riding horses today and sends his love'

As horrendous as this sounds, he attributed his getting sober to this place, he was always saying 'when the addict is ready the solution will appear'

Cat & Chris spent the last few years opening their home to addicts coming for treatment in Mexico, they would arrange cheap treatments and feed and home people needing help.
They loved animals and would take in strays, they had eight cats in total and two lovely little dogs.
Chris would spend a lot of time in Zone Norte, the red light district of TJ, befriending the homeless deportees. There was a trust there and Chris started to photograph them with stunning results!
He had a blog here
They were both working with a small charity called Prevencasa which helped the deportees and sex workers with clean injecting equipment and clothes etc.
If anyone is looking for a way to donate and continue his work seriously consider donating to them!

They were both artists in their own right too, Chris's brother Mark was an amazing sculptor, Mark sadly died in the accident too.

It's come to light after their passing just how extensive their 'Seva' was. There are lots of people they supported financially and emotionally, never expecting anything in return, they were truly selfless people and we should all take a lesson from them!
Cat was the kindest, sweetest woman I've ever known, so gentle and caring. She was always there for me when I needed advice or support. I'm so glad I got to say how much I appreciate them in our last few messages and I got to give her some money back too which felt good, I was sold by someone that she was very touched I had as 'most people never bother' .. It made me cry hearing that actually.
Cat had lent me the money to pay for a new piano recently, she was really keen I got back into playing again, it's made me more determined than ever to play more music!
I'd asked her to request me a song and I'd record it for her. Sadly she never got to hear it but I recorded it the next day and uploaded it to youtube.. It's a bit messy with a few mistakes but it was a first take recording and I was trying hard not to cry! Here it is anyway

I could write more on these two, there was so much more!

Although what has happened is incredibly shocking and sad there were some blessings, they went together being the big one. I think one passing would have been too painful to bear.
They had also just gone to see Bob Dylan in concert so had had a great night!

They weren't even driving when this happened, they had pulled over to the hard shoulder for a rest and were ploughed into from behind by a little Honda doing 65mph.. (the driver survived)

It's been interesting to see peoples behaviour too, people that have acted with little respect and taken stuff from their house within a day of the news fills me with rage, people they had supported financially for the last six months too!
But in general the group has become tight and we've all supported each other.
As the only other admin at the group I've had to continue day to day admin duties, all pretty stressful!
Chris used to do it, and although he rarely chastised anyone publicly and he always managed to keep up the appearance of little intervention in the running of the group, they both spent hours and hours in PM with members and 'vetting' new requests to join as sadly facebook is full of trolls, people that just want to cause trouble.
I feel as though Chris has entrusted the group to me and I will do everything in my power to make sure the group continues.

Well, I only covered a fraction of what I wanted to here, I'll leave you with some of Chris's best quotes!

• "Time, time ... so much to do and so little of it. :))"  Chris Bava 09/22/12

• "There's a thin line between breakdown and breakthrough." Chris Bava 10/10/2012

• "Speaking of twilight zone, how about deceased people still posting on FB?! Christopher Hitchins still posts and a local Mexican artist we knew (who died last year) just updated his cover pic. It's kind of charming. I put a 'like' anyway smile" Cat Asche, 10/10/2012

• "We're all going to lose parents, loved ones and family members .. that's life. As addicts we're or the addiction is always looking for a reason to re-establish or continue itself. You certainly can get by without having to shoot heroin, first make sure you prevent that from happening." Chris Bava, 10/11/2012

• Test, whether it is or isnt who can say but it's life compressed in months .. and it seems to happen, if you can hit the warrior switch like I mentioned before in other words tell god to "bring it" it will all seem not so bleak and devastating .. anyway that was my trick ... and I'd say to myself "savage grace, savage grace" ... in the world of yoga they say it's the shkati burning away the samskaras .. they call it tapasya .. or doing austerities .. passing thru difficulties as a means of purifying .. it worked for me and believe it or not there's a kernel of truth to it." -  Chris Bava

• " No? Because the truth is we're aren't anybody .. whatever importance we ascribe to ourself is a fantasy, it has no importance to anything other than to a tiny blip in time .. primarily "our" time ... it's easier to let go as a the nobodies we are." - Chris Bava

• Yes, and I think advice good or bad is about the same, worthless, if there is any benefit in the group it's not getting advice but maybe a kind of resonance with others that makes some people not have to feel so all alone ... everything else is fluff, entertainment while something else beneficial could be going on for a few who might otherwise be on the tipping point. Advice is the worst kind of helpfulness, unless someone specifically asks for it and even then, who really pays attention or uses it?" - Chris Bava June 24 2011

• "All I know is one day you'll be whistling along with all the time in the world & at some point you'll wake up with a start to realize there's no going back and now you're like an asteroid hurtling helplessly through space toward your demise where the end could as well be today as tomorrow. Some days it's alarming, others exhilarating but time & life become vastly different from when mortality was just an abstraction, something far off and unimaginable somewhere on the other side of my universe.  We're all doing time and living under a sentence of death, if you're lucky you'll find out that you're nobody or you'll be cursed in believing that you were somebody that did something remarkably important."                      -  Chris Bava 9/23/2012

• "Screwballs, and gangsters" had to go into centro yesterday to pick up a young man from Boston who is here for ibogaine treatment while waiting I crawled the car around the deep back streets on the city, Cat asked why I'm attracted to the worst sections of the city. I think I find the best stories there written on the faces, streets and walls ... life's pathos so obvious here. Mine breaks more for the animals too, for me the saddest thing of all is the innocent beautiful look in the eyes of birds and all the animals suffer illness & pain with such dignity, it seems.Maybe this tragedy will teach people humility, though I kind of doubt it.  xocb " - Chris Bava , June 30, 2010 (he's referring to the animals hurt in the oil spill )

• "I dont feel any need to sit for formal meditation, it sometimes just comes over me. I prefer the very late hours too (or very early) and seems regardless of when I go to sleep I wake up around 3 or 4. I think in India they called it the nectar hours when the world around you was asleep, considered an auspicious time to be awake. That was the thinking around the ashram anyway. Once you become tuned into a particular teacher, I like the concept of the teacher being not the person but the resonance between sage and seeker then I guess that resonance would be there whether the entity was or not." - Chris Bava, June 21, 2010

• "it's not necessary to have daily interactions (with a guru) .. maybe a few to develop a kind of bond .. or even online .. by asking questions, something happens .. anyway, it's all about a bond .. I suppose that isn't confined to time and space but happens more often in time and space...a guru isnt a person it's a resonance, a principle that will inevitably cause a lot of trouble for you ... a good teacher will always." - Chris Bava, August 15, 2012

• "Yeah, I understood your question and actually feel it silly to think somehow meditators will automatically be spared life's unfortunate circumstance because they sit regularly doing whatever they do to meditate. Delirium is as much part of the universe as daffodils and bliss, why is that one spared and the other isn't? The better question would be "Why not?" So, someone falls, becomes confused and then delirious in hospital they'd not only have to feel humiliated enough by the experience but also made to feel guilty because they somehow fell short of something they should've been better at or doing more of. Somehow they screwed up the deal and it was their fault. Since I turned 50 I've been saying intentional communities should to be set up, run by seniors for seniors in a loose, hip way that would appeal to our generation of fringe people. Probably doesn't help that hospitals look and feel the way they do, sterile, scary with staff too stressed out and busy to be personable and why the many who go to hospitals for a 'bad' acid trip wind up getting worse and given awful anti-psychotic medications. I bet that'd eliminate a decent portion of the nightmare. Community can do wonderful things. I used to be able to stay awake until all hours, and sleep few. Now I have no control, I fall asleep relatively early and wake up very early. I guess this lack of control comes with age, though I believe our sense of control is just an overlay on whats really in control anyway. xocb" -Chris Bava , June 22, 2010

Holidays!

Christmas is always difficult for me, quite apart from my annual drink (a bottle of baileys) and tears with my mum and sisters, on a more practical level... Dealers don't work Christmas day!

Thing's haven't been going too well recently, I was 'let go' from my job, for no particular reason other than the boss got out of giving me my Christmas bonus by sacking me two shifts before the holidays!

I usually spend Christmas in Brighton with my family, most years there's some drama, we're not the most stable bunch!
Every year I have a guilt trip about not being able to afford decent gifts for everyone, this year is worse than most as I was depending on my last two days work, plus bonus to buy gifts, let alone travel fare to get there!

It doesn't look like I'm even going to be able to go now, I can't afford the £30 ticket... (I'm only mentioning the price as I don't understand how British rail can justify charging that much to travel 50 miles!)...  and I don't have any presents for anyone if I did.

I could quite happily stick my fingers in my ears and sing 'nadenadena' till new year actually!

Drug's wise, I'm quite pleased with myself, apart from one slip up a week or so back I've barely used at all!

That's the problem with heroin, once you have experienced that comforting, emotion numbing buzz, it's incredibly difficult to go through life without it!
Every day is a battle with myself to not pick up, it's tedious and often infuriating but as I have to keep telling myself, all I can do is try.
If I'm not trying, I've given in to it and that's not a compromise I'm willing to make.

We will find any excuse to use, I guess most people would think we are most likely to pick up when were feeling down or struggling with something, but feeling crap about things is just one of many triggers,... for me at least.

Years ago when I used to have regular counselling, every fortnight I'd walk out thinking about scoring, in the end I had to STOP the counselling as sitting talking about drugs for an hour was actually making me use!

I often feel like I'm being elitist or judgemental but I can't stand going to the local drug service or hospital, having to sit in the waiting room with addicts talking about drugs or whatever. I don't fit in there!
I've always kept myself to myself when it comes to drugs, addicts seem to be drawn to one another, like some sick magnetic, self destructive opiated mess, I'ts often easier to be together when hustling/scoring I guess..

I've always steered clear of junkie relationships,
I always saw that as a really slippery slope, the last thing I need is a co-dependant junkie boyfriend!

My partner of 8 years, while being far from 'straight edge' has never and would never touch anything like heroin or crack, and I like to keep it that way!

If I'd known I'd be staying in London this year I would have been volunteering for 'crisis at christmas' , they do fantastic work every year, taking in London's street homeless, feeding, bathing and just looking after them for a few days.
Over a few different venue's crisis has doctors, nurses, dentist's, counsellors, alternative therapists etc etc available for free to people living on the streets,.... amazing..!

At 19 I was living in a car park in Brighton, begging every day for food and drug money so I know how shit it is.

One of my most vivid memories was sitting in my sleeping bag, begging, in the pouring rain and just crying and crying, I couldn't understand how people could just walk past a vulnerable, homeless teenager.. and trust me they do!
It's the loneliest place in the world to be, it really is.. Such a cruel world we live in, I got pissed on once by some drunk lads, they thought it was hysterical,... I nearly slit my wrists.

Anyway, on that note ;).... whatever your all doing this year, I hope you have a good one!
Till next  year!

Peace Out..

Sid

This Blog...

Needs a new name I think!

Initially I wanted to write about using Ibogaine to stop my cycle of addiction to heroin, but I now seem to be documenting my battle with my addiction and my various attempts at getting clean, and maintaining abstinence...

As such, I want to write a bit about a previous attempt at detox, I got clean around 2006 using methadone. And as this seems to be the only option available to most people I want to say it can be done! 

At the end of the day it comes down to willpower and determination, and unfortunately these are two things that can-not be forced.

So, here is the story of how I got clean (and stayed clean for two years) using methadone and subutex.

By the age of twenty six, I had been using heroin for nearly ten years. I was at this point, homeless and begging on the streets for cash every day to support my habit. 

I befriended an American girl and we used to work together as two people is better than one when it comes to begging.

I guess we hung around together for about a year.. We would wake up, have our morning hit and go begging, get £40 together, which would take a few hours, then go and score, have a hit and go back out do the same again for the evening money. Out of this we would make sure we either saved enough gear for our morning hit (the most important one of the day) or have enough cash left over to score in the morning..

This went on, day in, day out for what seemed like forever, it's soul destroying, everything would revolve around using heroin, and getting the cash to buy it.

It got to the stage where I was so sick of it I decided to go to my GP and get a methadone script and clean up.

I guess the old cliche of having to hit rock bottom is true, as it took me getting to the stage of having nothing to actually want to clean up.

I offered to share my script with her if she wanted to clean up too but she wasn't ready, we ended up having a screaming row and we parted ways.

I literally stopped using that day, and I didn't touch heroin again for three and a half years.

I went through a period of being ill while we found a dose of methadone I was stable on, 120mls I believe.

Within a month I started to reduce my dose, and believe me I felt every drop, Id drop 1ml and wouldn't sleep well for a few days, once I felt OK again I'd drop another 1ml, hence why it took eighteen months to get off the stuff.

I also had to split dose as it never held me for the full 24 hours. This was fine when I was on high doses, eg on 60mls I'd have 30mls when I woke up, and 30mls around 6pm.

When I got down to 10mls I hit 'the brick wall' people talk of, when it's difficult to get any lower, plus having to split dose, 5ml and 5ml twice a day it was getting harder and harder to measure it.

I talked to my GP and we decided to swap me onto Subutex for the last bit of the taper. 

The swap was difficult, because of methadone long half life you have to wait a minimum of 24 hours after the last dose of methadone before starting Subutex or you can go into precipitated acute withdrawals due to Subutex being a partial opiate antagonist.

Subutex (Temgesic/Buprenorphine) Is a strange semi-synthetic opiate agonist/partial antagonist.

It fills the opiate receptors and also blocks them (at sufficient doses) so any other opiates can-not get in.

I stabilised on Subutex after about a week, I ended up on a dose a lot higher than I thought I would need (16mg) and soon after started to taper.

It's a lot easier to taper on subs, once I was down to 2mg you can cut the tablet with a razor, I think I got down to a quarter of a 2mg tab...

When it came to stopping altogether, I was so anxious about going into withdrawals, but I didn't!

I was FINE!

I didn't suffer PAWS, the only problem I had was with depression, I'm prone to depression anyway, that's why I started taking heroin in the first place!

I researched anti-depressants that help after long term opiate use and I started taking Venlaflaxine (Effexor)

It definitely helped, it stopped me feeling suicidal at least!

So... here I am again, well, I'm not on methadone this time, after the hellish 18 months it took to get off it last time I will never touch it again hence the MST.

But I wanted to give people on long term methadone maintenance that there is hope, it is possible IF you have the will power and determination to do it!

Some Of The Places My Addiction Has Taken Me

I first tried heroin when I was seventeen. I had a mini nervous breakdown and it was the only thing that got me out of the house without having a panic attack,..

I lost my house and ended up begging on the streets of London and Brighton, I remember a few times sitting in the pissing rain in a blanket with people walking past ignoring me and crying my eyes out...I used to will someone to just stop and ask if I was ok. I was barely eighteen and the whole experience made me very cynical and jaded to the world.

Unfortunately this has stuck with me, I used to be too trusting and empathic of other people and have been repeatedly fucked over.

After realising that begging wasn't a viable way of supporting a habit and not wanting to break my morals by mugging people or thieving I decided to become a sex worker.

Easier said than done when your a homeless junkie, but I had my age and looks on my side.

In Brighton I used to work with a friend doing 'duos' I'd make around £60-100 per session.

Having a history of sexual abuse, I had issues around sex as it was and selling my body was incredibly traumatic. I didn't mind so much working with my friend but I used to get so anxious before seeing a 'client' on my own!

When I moved to London I divided my grafting time between begging around Bank and working at Piccadilly Circus. 

Piccadilly used to be where the rent boys worked from but things have changed, nowadays most male escorts (they're not really called rent boys anymore) advertise online or in gay magazines which I just couldn't afford so Piccadilly was my only option.

I used to hang around on the corner opposite the Trocadero with my jeans slung low, cruising for punters.

I didn't have much luck. 

One client sticks out in my mind in particular, I had been hanging around for hours and was feeling the heroin draining from my body, the longer it went the more desperate and dope sick I was.

A guy approached me and started chatting, he was a real creep, we talked about everything except rent..! 

He kept telling me he had been inside, and asking bizarre questions about whether I got turned on when I went for a shit.

He told me when he was inside and had to share cells he used to get turned on when watching guys take a shit in the same cell..

After about an hour of this pointless drivel he invited me back to his, at this point we still hadn't talked business and I still wasn't 100% sure this is what he was looking for.

We got on the bus and sat for an hour or so travelling into the depths of south London, I lived East at the time and was consciously aware of how far away from home and my heroin I was.

When we finally got to his flat we went in and he locked the iron grill on the door behind us, my heart sank at this point and I started feeling genuinely scared.

There was a homeless looking man asleep on his sofa who he quickly got rid of, I was now sat in this guys untidy bedsit, alone with him.

Now he really started with the scat talk, 'do I get hard when I shit?' and 'have I ever shat on someone?' etc etc

We finally got into bed and I worked my magic, basically trying to make him climax as quickly as possible so I could get out of there, it turned out he did want me to shit on him, I wouldn't, until I realised I couldn't make him cum without it. 

I won't go into details....

It all took about an hour, I just wanted to get out of there, he payed me £20! That was all he had... that's why payment is discussed and taken beforehand but I was so desperate for the cash, and just wanted to escape at that point.

I can honestly say it was one of the most soul destroying, depressing things I've ever had to do, and it wasn't long after I cleaned up for the first time!

I've had a few experiences of being locked in peoples homes over the years, usually being assaulted whilst there.

It's left me emotionally scarred and untrusting of people.

No wonder I found solace in heroin!

Other stories include, living in car parks and sharing injecting equipment with other  homeless junkies, sleeping with your morning hit in your shoes in the bottom of your sleeping bag so on one steals it...

Banging up in crack houses and car park stairwells, running away when people have OD'd (not something Im proud of but I think other addicts can relate!).

I used to have to inject a friends' forehead as it's the only vein he had left, he used to stand with a belt round his neck straining till it popped out...

There's so many, I could go on, but it's not something im proud of like I say, it's not in the least glamorous once your addicted... there's nothing cool about injecting congealed blood, crying because you cant find a vein on your foot....