I've always used drugs, as long as I can remember, my step-dad was a cannabis dealer so it was just always around us as kids.
I come from the cliche broken home, dad left when I was eight and it had a massive effect on me.
I kind of went off the rails at about thirteen after I was sexually abused.
Male rape is still taboo, I was a member of the St Johns Ambulance and the guy that abused me was one of the leaders. I was eleven I think when it happened, it's taken many years to understand what happened to me. I blamed myself for a long time until I realised eventually that I was a child, I wasn't sexually active or had even had any sexual thoughts yet.
Being penetrated and forced to perform oral sex was my first experience of 'sex'
It was a couple of years later that I realised I was gay, this was a massive cause of pain and confusion as I blamed my sexuality on the rape. It took a long time to work out that I was gay anyway.
I couldn't cope, I started bunking off school and hanging around with older alternative types in Brighton, taking drugs and partying. I was very independent and by sixteen was living on my own in London.
The years in between I had spent travelling around the UK and staying at road protest sites, Newbury bypass and Manchester airport etc..
When I finally got a flat in London and actually stopped for the first time since the abuse, my past hit my like a ton of bricks, I had a mini breakdown and ended up on antidepressants and and anti-anxiety medication for panic attacks.
A friend was smoking something one day and me being me tried some... it was like coming home!
My depression and anxiety lifted.. I remember I could actually leave my house to go to the shops without having a panic attack!
I didn't realise really just how addictive heroin was and didn't really care. I'd found my drug of choice.
I spent the next fourteen years using every day, in and out of rehabs, trying to hold my life together whilst holding down a habit.
I'm proud to say that I have always supported myself and worked to pay for my drugs, I've never mugged or stolen off family, if anything I kept my drug use well away from my family.
Five years ago I met my life partner, I knew he was the one straight away, and he's put up with so much.
I'm very lucky to have such a supportive, loving person in m life and try every day not to take it for granted!
I'm currently trying to clean up, for both of us, I have big plans that just can't be seen through with a heroin habit.
I owe it to myself and to my partner and I know I will succeed, it's just a matter of time...
