Holidays!

Christmas is always difficult for me, quite apart from my annual drink (a bottle of baileys) and tears with my mum and sisters, on a more practical level... Dealers don't work Christmas day!

Thing's haven't been going too well recently, I was 'let go' from my job, for no particular reason other than the boss got out of giving me my Christmas bonus by sacking me two shifts before the holidays!

I usually spend Christmas in Brighton with my family, most years there's some drama, we're not the most stable bunch!
Every year I have a guilt trip about not being able to afford decent gifts for everyone, this year is worse than most as I was depending on my last two days work, plus bonus to buy gifts, let alone travel fare to get there!

It doesn't look like I'm even going to be able to go now, I can't afford the £30 ticket... (I'm only mentioning the price as I don't understand how British rail can justify charging that much to travel 50 miles!)...  and I don't have any presents for anyone if I did.

I could quite happily stick my fingers in my ears and sing 'nadenadena' till new year actually!

Drug's wise, I'm quite pleased with myself, apart from one slip up a week or so back I've barely used at all!

That's the problem with heroin, once you have experienced that comforting, emotion numbing buzz, it's incredibly difficult to go through life without it!
Every day is a battle with myself to not pick up, it's tedious and often infuriating but as I have to keep telling myself, all I can do is try.
If I'm not trying, I've given in to it and that's not a compromise I'm willing to make.

We will find any excuse to use, I guess most people would think we are most likely to pick up when were feeling down or struggling with something, but feeling crap about things is just one of many triggers,... for me at least.

Years ago when I used to have regular counselling, every fortnight I'd walk out thinking about scoring, in the end I had to STOP the counselling as sitting talking about drugs for an hour was actually making me use!

I often feel like I'm being elitist or judgemental but I can't stand going to the local drug service or hospital, having to sit in the waiting room with addicts talking about drugs or whatever. I don't fit in there!
I've always kept myself to myself when it comes to drugs, addicts seem to be drawn to one another, like some sick magnetic, self destructive opiated mess, I'ts often easier to be together when hustling/scoring I guess..

I've always steered clear of junkie relationships,
I always saw that as a really slippery slope, the last thing I need is a co-dependant junkie boyfriend!

My partner of 8 years, while being far from 'straight edge' has never and would never touch anything like heroin or crack, and I like to keep it that way!

If I'd known I'd be staying in London this year I would have been volunteering for 'crisis at christmas' , they do fantastic work every year, taking in London's street homeless, feeding, bathing and just looking after them for a few days.
Over a few different venue's crisis has doctors, nurses, dentist's, counsellors, alternative therapists etc etc available for free to people living on the streets,.... amazing..!

At 19 I was living in a car park in Brighton, begging every day for food and drug money so I know how shit it is.

One of my most vivid memories was sitting in my sleeping bag, begging, in the pouring rain and just crying and crying, I couldn't understand how people could just walk past a vulnerable, homeless teenager.. and trust me they do!
It's the loneliest place in the world to be, it really is.. Such a cruel world we live in, I got pissed on once by some drunk lads, they thought it was hysterical,... I nearly slit my wrists.

Anyway, on that note ;).... whatever your all doing this year, I hope you have a good one!
Till next  year!

Peace Out..

Sid

Petition to stop the amazing Sarah Glatt from facing police charges!

PLEASE SIGN & SHARE THE LINK!

The petition is this here:

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/petition-against-the-arrest-warrant-for-sara/

Sara Glatt is one of the best-known ibogaine treatment providers for the Western world. For more than a decade, people from all over the world, suffering from drug dependency were seeking her help in order to concur their addiction. With a high percent of success rate, Sara Glatt was able to help hundreds of people by using the psychoactive substance called Iboga, which effects the complex interactions between multiple neurotransmitter systems and can restore the proper functioning of the brain's neurochemistry. The substance has shown incredible results in treating addiction. In many countries the substance is banned, in the Netherlands this is not the case.
Unfortunately one of the world's most well-known iboga treatment providers is currently facing legal troubles, after a fatal accident on the highroad A2 on 18 March this year, where a man was hit by a truck. The man was suffering from alcohol dependency and soon after he received his treatment, he demanded to leave. The man quickly started getting aggressive towards Sara's youngest daughter, so having her hands tied, she took him out with the car, trying to talk him out of his idea of leaving so early after the treatment. He demanded to be left in a nearby hotel, where later during the same night, Sara had sent a volunteer to check on him. During the visit, the man seemed well, but unfortunately on the following morning news about his accidental death on the highroad was reported back to Sara Glatt.
She is currently facing arrest warrant and legal actions with the Dutch authorities.
What Sara Glatt did was trying to help, the same way she has been helping for over ten years to people who were seeking her help.
A mother of five children, who was legally providing iboga treatments for people, who seek them, should not be held in such a position!

A letter to me...

If it was possible to write a letter to myself as a child this is what it would probably say….

Dear 10 year old Gary, 

Embrace your feelings of being ‘different’, roll with it, it’s a good thing!

Try to enjoy your childhood!, Stop worrying about growing up so quickly, it’s really not all that…

Something bad is going to happen to you soon, something that will change the course of your life.

Just remember, it’s not your fault!

Dear 11 year old Gary,

You have a big decision to make now… I want you to know that you’re not alone. Tell someone, stop thinking your strong enough to deal with it alone.

When you’re offered counselling, take it!

Don’t worry about telling mum, she will cope, your dad is another story, I know you’re starting to realise already that he’s a crap father, he doesn’t change so get used to it now.

Tell the truth, tell the police the extent of it, not just that one time.. he groomed you for it.

Again… This is not your fault.

Dear 13 year old Gary,

You’re not coping with what’s happened…

You are at the start of a very slippery slope that you will struggle with your whole life if you don’t make a change now.

Rather than smoking bucket bongs and taking speed, talk to someone!

You have worked out by now that you are gay too. It will take you many years to separate your sexuality from the rape.

He didn’t make you gay, you were anyway!

The feelings of guilt are natural, you didn’t ‘lead him on’ or encourage him, he was an adult and you were a child.

You are a sensitive kid and you’re not dealing with the emotions and issues this has bought up. Drugs and drink will be your crutch for the rest of your life and the decisions you make now will affect the extent of damage you will cause in later life.

If I told you that at 31 you would be a heroin addict would you do something about it now?

I wish I could turn back the clock to where you are now and make the right choices. If I could make you understand that no matter how appealing drugs seem right now, you have now spent the majority of your life a heroin addict and you are terribly unhappy.

Instead of desperately trying to prove how grown up you are, spend what little time you have left as a child at home with your family… you’ll wish you had when your older.

Instead of trying to fit in with the ‘gay scene’ just be yourself! Sitting in gay bars, dressing like ‘them’ and sleeping around won’t make you happy. 

Instead of taking as many drugs you possibly can at once, chill the fuck out and go seek out therapy.

Instead of self-harming follow your dreams and keep playing the piano, you’re talented and people will notice that.

Instead of putting yourself in dangerous situations where you will be physically and sexually assaulted again, find some friends that care about you, stop being so fiercely independent and needy.

Instead of seeking out partners with ‘issues’ stop worrying about needing a boyfriend, respect yourself and enjoy your teens!

I'ts a sad thing but you will learn over the years that in general people will take advantage of you, your an easy target, your too trusting, remember not everyone is your friend..

If only I could say all this to you....


One more thing! .... As you have now discovered, you could have claimed compensation for what happened, unfortunately by 2011 the files will have been destroyed and owing to lack of evidence it will be too late to make a claim... This will be the icing on the cake, He took your childhood away, was let free in the court as there wasn't enough physical evidence and would have got on with his life.. Leaving you emotionally scarred and in pain for the rest of your life... 
Like I said, life is shit, you can make it better if you make the right choices while you still can!

Going for another Ibo treatment!

My life's been manic for the past few months. I've been working loads and trying to hold everything together so this blogs been pushed to the back of my priorities.

I've been offered an opportunity for a low cost treatment with a proper provider if I take part in a follow up documentary to 'detox or die'.

It will be filmed by David Graham Scott, the guy that featured in the original BBC film.

I'm sick of being on maintenance. I'm getting too old for it all!
I worry that junkies don't usually get much older than me. We end up in prison or dead!

It's only an idea at the moment but I'm hopeful it will happen. And of course ill document it all here.

I'm hoping that going for a proper treatment with a provider as opposed to my half assed DIY attempts at home will make a difference.

Anyway... More soon,.. I have stinking flu and need to curl back up in bed and feel sorry for myself.

News article last night about diamorphine prescribing in London

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-14016887

This news piece is actually pretty shockingly biased... for the BBC!

They quote the diamorphine prescribing had a 6% success rate in getting people clean versus oral methadone also at 6%!

Now I don't know where they're getting they're facts from but the accurate RIOTT results are here
and here

And to top it off, they wheeled out Anne bloody Widdicoombe to tell us that we shouldn't be giving junkies a free hit on the state! ... again .. by the same argument we should then not be giving smokers nicotine patches!

From the article:

Supervised administration of injectable ‘medical’ grade heroin leads to larger reductions in street heroin use in chronic heroin addicts who are failing on treatment, than does either injectable or oral methadone. The findings of the Randomised Injectable Opiate Treatment Trial (RIOTT )  trial are reported in an article in this week’s Lancet, written by Professor John Strang and colleagues from the  National Addiction Centre, Institute of Psychiatry (IoP), King’s College London (KCL).
At least 5–10% of heroin addicts fail to benefit from established conventional treatments but whether they are untreatable or just difficult to treat is unknown. A scientific evidence base is emerging to support the effectiveness of maintenance treatment with directly supervised medicinal heroin (diamorphine or diacetylmorphine) as a second-line treatment for chronic heroin addiction.
This randomised controlled trial looked at chronic heroin addicts who were receiving conventional oral treatment but continued to inject street heroin regularly. Patients were assigned to receive supervised injectable methadone, supervised injectable heroin, or optimised oral methadone. Treatment was provided for 26 weeks in three National Health Service (NHS) supervised injecting clinics in England (London, Brighton, Darlington). During weeks 14–26 50% or more tested negative for street heroin on weekly random urine analysis.
The researchers found that at 26 weeks, 80% of patients remained in assigned treatment - 81% on supervised injectable methadone, 88% on supervised injectable heroin and 69% on optimised oral methadone. Proportions of patients achieving 50% or more negative samples for street heroin were highest in the injectable heroin group (66%) followed by injectable methadone (30%) and oral methadone (19%).  The measure of measurable improvement, the pre-selected primary outcome, was that through Months 4-6, at least 50% of randomly collected urines tested negative for street heroin (from weekly random urine analysis).  The authors report on 'abstinence from street heroin' also, and a similar greater benefit of the supervised heroin treatment was seen, compared with the other two treatments.
The authors say: 'We have shown that treatment with supervised injectable heroin leads to significantly lower use of street heroin than does supervised injectable methadone or optimised oral methadone. Furthermore, this difference was evident within the first 6 weeks of treatment.'
They conclude: 'Rolling out the prescription of injectable heroin and methadone to clients who do not respond to other forms of treatment’, is detailed in the UK Government’s 2008 Drug Strategy, subject to the results from this trial. In the past 15 years, six randomised trials have all reported benefits from treatment with injectable heroin compared with oral methadone. Supervised injectable heroin should now be provided, with close monitoring, for carefully selected chronic heroin addicts in the UK.'
Professor Strang said: 'Our scientific understanding about how to treat people with severe heroin addiction has taken an important step forward.  The RIOTT study shows that previously unresponsive patients can achieve major reductions in their use of street heroin and, impressively, these outcomes were seen within 6 weeks. Our work offers government robust evidence to support the expansion of this treatment, so that more patients can benefit.'
The National Addiction Centre is jointly run by the IoP KCL and South London and Maudsley NHS Foundation Trust (SLaM). Both are part of King's Health Partners, an Academic Health Sciences Centre (AHSC) for London, bringing together clinical and research expertise across both physical and mental health. For more information, visit www.kingshealthpartners.org.   
The article ‘Supervised injectable heroin or injectable methadone versus optimised oral methadone as treatment for chronic heroin addicts in England after persistent failure in orthodox treatment (RIOTT): a randomised trial’ can be found here, along with a podcast featuring Professor Strang discussing the trial:  www.thelancet.com.  Professor Strang can be seen also on the new SLaM website talking about RIOTT: http://www.slam.nhs.uk/news/latest-news/treating-heroin-addiction.aspx.

Government Cuts Hit Local Drug Services - Part Two

Govenment budget cuts hit local services...

More..

So.... A little update on the situation at the SAU (Specialist Addiction Unit)

Since my psychiatrist left the service due to funding cuts things have gone from bad to worse!

All the clients now have 'key-workers', no one actually gets to see a doctor any more.
My 'key-worker' has taken a disliking to me because I dare to challenge and question the way things are done... Like I said before, and as people have confirmed in the comments to the previous post, drug services are set up for your stereotypical 'junkie' .... Take your methadone, jump through all the hoops, tick the boxes and shut up...

Well, I'm sorry but that's just not me!...

I was so happy when I was first referred to the SAU, and met Dr Crawford,... For the first time in fifteen years of counsellors, key-workers and doctors I actually felt like this doctor gave a shit about me and my treatment.

We had a great relationship, we kept in touch by text which meant I could get in contact any time I needed, and we developed a good treatment plan.. together.. (which is really bloody important)

So often, addicts are relegated to a life on methadone or subutex and drug services seem to exist solely to keep people alive....

Dr Crawford actually listened to me, we trusted each other and she gave me chances I wouldn't have got with any other NHS psychiatrist (MST for a start, she also spent money getting me music equipment, got me into one of the best music tech colleges in London, sent me to one of the most expensive rehabs in the country and has worked with me very step of the way when it comes to medication)

I would see her every two weeks, we would chat for an hour or so, and decide where to go from there.
Most recently I came with the suggestion of trying MST and amazingly she agreed.

I had to sign a contract stating I wouldn't take any other recreational or prescription drugs (diazepam, cannabis, crack cocaine etc)

When she asked what I had been taking I was always honest and it's never been a problem, until now!

Now my key-worker keeps bringing up the contract, testing my urine for 'illicit' drugs which when positive for cannabis and benzodiazepines she reminds me that I am breaching my agreement and risking my treatment.

I saw her for all of 4 minutes last week, she literally gave me my script, asked how I was doing and fucked me out the door.

The reason I smoke the odd spliff and take a valium a couple of times a week, is because I'm not stable and can't sleep when I'm sick! 

Now I'm struggling on 200mg MST twice daily. I'm ill, it's barely keeping me well, let alone helping with cravings. I was really hoping it would.
I'm also still stuck on daily pick up at the chemist which is incredibly difficult when your trying to hold down a job!

I need an increase, I wake up every day ill, and run to the chemist.. take my morning dose and then have to try and leave it as late as possible before taking my evening dose so I'm not too ill when I wake up.

I don't see the point, when I'm barely well I want to use! I might as well not be on anything!
I need a dose increase, and I need weekly pick up at the chemist.

Now if Dr Crawford was still at the service she would sort it out on the spot.
Now I have to ask, and my key-worker 'takes it to the team' ... The weekly meeting of key-workers and doctors... I've been waiting a week already for a decision.

I want to get on with my life! I want to work, I can't when I'm ill!

I hope this post doesn't come across as sounding arrogant or self centred.. I understand there are budget cuts and things are changing.. but the treatment I'm getting at the moment is no treatment..! I might as well use and not bother going to the SAU at all...

Who is this meant to help?

I thought the idea was to work with people to get them clean.. Not trying to fuck people over at every opportunity...

I want to write to the new doctor over-seeing the SAU but am scared if I stick my neck out it will get chopped off!

We're not meant to complain and challenge the doctors, they know best, they've been to medical school and learnt about addiction.. they know best! Who am I to dare have some input to my treatment?!

I actually don't even want to go to the SAU any more, the idea was to get me stabilised on a suitable dose of MST and then refer me back to my GP. I wish they would just do it now actually... At least with my GP we have quite a good relationship.

Anyway, moan over...