Christmas is always difficult for me, quite apart from my annual drink (a bottle of baileys) and tears with my mum and sisters, on a more practical level... Dealers don't work Christmas day!
Thing's haven't been going too well recently, I was 'let go' from my job, for no particular reason other than the boss got out of giving me my Christmas bonus by sacking me two shifts before the holidays!
I usually spend Christmas in Brighton with my family, most years there's some drama, we're not the most stable bunch!
Every year I have a guilt trip about not being able to afford decent gifts for everyone, this year is worse than most as I was depending on my last two days work, plus bonus to buy gifts, let alone travel fare to get there!
It doesn't look like I'm even going to be able to go now, I can't afford the £30 ticket... (I'm only mentioning the price as I don't understand how British rail can justify charging that much to travel 50 miles!)... and I don't have any presents for anyone if I did.
I could quite happily stick my fingers in my ears and sing 'nadenadena' till new year actually!
Drug's wise, I'm quite pleased with myself, apart from one slip up a week or so back I've barely used at all!
That's the problem with heroin, once you have experienced that comforting, emotion numbing buzz, it's incredibly difficult to go through life without it!
Every day is a battle with myself to not pick up, it's tedious and often infuriating but as I have to keep telling myself, all I can do is try.
If I'm not trying, I've given in to it and that's not a compromise I'm willing to make.
We will find any excuse to use, I guess most people would think we are most likely to pick up when were feeling down or struggling with something, but feeling crap about things is just one of many triggers,... for me at least.
Years ago when I used to have regular counselling, every fortnight I'd walk out thinking about scoring, in the end I had to STOP the counselling as sitting talking about drugs for an hour was actually making me use!
I often feel like I'm being elitist or judgemental but I can't stand going to the local drug service or hospital, having to sit in the waiting room with addicts talking about drugs or whatever. I don't fit in there!
I've always kept myself to myself when it comes to drugs, addicts seem to be drawn to one another, like some sick magnetic, self destructive opiated mess, I'ts often easier to be together when hustling/scoring I guess..
I've always steered clear of junkie relationships,
I always saw that as a really slippery slope, the last thing I need is a co-dependant junkie boyfriend!
My partner of 8 years, while being far from 'straight edge' has never and would never touch anything like heroin or crack, and I like to keep it that way!
If I'd known I'd be staying in London this year I would have been volunteering for 'crisis at christmas' , they do fantastic work every year, taking in London's street homeless, feeding, bathing and just looking after them for a few days.
Over a few different venue's crisis has doctors, nurses, dentist's, counsellors, alternative therapists etc etc available for free to people living on the streets,.... amazing..!
At 19 I was living in a car park in Brighton, begging every day for food and drug money so I know how shit it is.
One of my most vivid memories was sitting in my sleeping bag, begging, in the pouring rain and just crying and crying, I couldn't understand how people could just walk past a vulnerable, homeless teenager.. and trust me they do!
It's the loneliest place in the world to be, it really is.. Such a cruel world we live in, I got pissed on once by some drunk lads, they thought it was hysterical,... I nearly slit my wrists.
Anyway, on that note ;).... whatever your all doing this year, I hope you have a good one!
Till next year!
Peace Out..
Sid
6 comments:
Alot of the things you say ring true with me. i left home at 15 and got my own place on a hungry jacks wage of max 120aust dollars paying 70 of that to rent each week. it was a real shithole and i only had a mattress on the floor and a lounge the last tenants left behind at first but slowly i got there. i think my first appliance purchase was a second and deep fryer to cook all the onion rings, nuggets and fries i stole out of the freezer at my work. hungry jacks was a lifesaver feeding me without even knowing it. ( or pinning the lost stock to me).
my new partner is a former heroin addict with no intentions of using again, but i was clear from the first online conversation we had that i was an addict, a convicted drug manufacturer and had no intention of getting into another under the thumb relationship. i'll quit when im ready, for my own reasons and not sooner. Also there was to be no bullshit and lies, people make mistakes and thats human nature and i'd rather know and move on than be lied to and never forget it.
All the best for christmas, i too barely scraped up enough to buy my kid an ipod she wanted which i wouldnt have been able to do if i hadnt moved a bit of gear yesterday.
xo Lilly.
I got an abscess on each leg as an Xmas present but I just love sticking blue needles in them and squeezing really hard so I'm not that fussed. They're not major league abscesses by any stretch of the imagination.
Have the merriest Xmas you can and a FAR BETTER 2012!
I remember the first time I went out begging someone who looked just like my brother gave me a £1 and that made me cry. Rest of the time I just got hardened to it all. And the gear really really helped and what the gear didn't help, cyder did.
In response to your comment chez moi I had this idea:~
Grade 8 piano. Why don't you get a job tinkling the ivories somewhere like the upstairs bar at Harvey Nicks. There's ALWAYS jobs going for pianists at hotels and places like that... Just a thought!
Hey Lily!.. I had a quick read of your blog, will leave u a comment properly when I have time!
Gleds, Yeah begging is shite, I did it for years on and off!
Lucky Ive not had any abcesses yet, well not proper ones, just a few little ones that have left scars.
Talking of piano, my grandad played the lounge in the Grand in Brighton, and the Savoy for years, he got me into piano, I bascially self taught (and guitar), I play by ear, ,my mum ended upp sending me for lessons that I went through within 2 years.. If my life had been different I'd have been a pianist! Haha.. I still have a keyboard and play most days. It's the only thing that helps sometimes.. great to escape into
ps yeah i found talking about drugs doesn't always help with the cravings i used to regularly score after drug counselling groups!
Dear Sid,
Just been reading through your blog & found it very interesting. I wish you the very best on your future paths.
I've watched 3 of David Scott's films & found them fascinating. Detox or Die & Little Criminals were brilliant, I look forward to his future work.
Take care xKarl
Post a Comment