Hi everyone!
So,
Where am I?!
Well, things are ok. It's been nearly a month now since I did another Ibogaine flood.
It's funny looking back at my blog entries over that first week!
I've left them as they are just to show quite how ataxic and clumsy the medicine makes you!
I mean, I don't even remember writing them! Haha..
So, a month...
My Ibogaine 'glow', always seems to last about a week, others report this 'floating on cloud nine' feeling for up to three months sometimes!
I think it must have been around day six or seven I started to feel a bit down, I was also trying to cope with minor withdrawal symptoms.
By minor I mean very low level chills and sweats, goosebumps, diorreah, sneezing etc.
Nothing unbearable, just annoying.
I was using iboga root bark to cope with this which always works very well, unfortunately I ran out!
I had less than I thought as I forgot I'd micro dosed for two weeks leading up to my flood to get my morphine tolerance/habit right down.
On that note, micro dosing co-commitantly with root bark works really well!
I was using up to 1200mg daily, I'd take 900mg (iboga rootbark)upon waking, in place of my morning shot and it worked like a dream!
By using this protocol I managed to easily cut down a 600mg IV morphine habit daily to 100-200mg!
I was also still shooting speedballs nearly every day too and managed to stop that too.
When I say 'easily' I really mean it.
Like, not only was I not in any withdrawal, I was actually high if anything!
Iboga not only potentate's opiates but it also seems to extend the effect.
After a week I was able to drag my first shot of the day out til mid afternoon! Something that just would not have been possible without the iboga.
Using the two together can be dangerous though. In the doses I've mentioned there shouldn't be any issues BUT, if your thinking about doing the same then please do some research first!
Because of the potentiating effect the risk of overdose is increased and this protocol must be used very carefully.
Anyhow, back to my current situation...
As I say, about a week after my flood I was feeling pretty crappy, physically.
I had ran out of bark and was waiting on more to arrive.
I ended up slipping and using once. Strangely, it just wasn't the same as before.
I just didn't enjoy it, like I couldn't get high?..
I've heard others report similar experiences too, not being able to get high after Iboga, or rather the drugs just don't cut the mustard any more.
So I used, once, a speedball...
It was crap, I didn't feel high. It relieved my PAWS for a few hours but more importantly, it really put me off using!
Over the course of three floods now, the way I think about drugs has changed dramatically.
I don't obsess and 'fiend' over them anymore, it's actually quite liberating!
I mean, I've been a
live to die junkie for years! I didn't care about anything, least of all myself!
My health, both mental and physical, just weren't important. I didn't care what damage I was doing to my body and I'm sure I have.
My lungs are terrible and I know that shooting MST for the last two years has taken it's toll.
I'm quite badly asthmatic anyway but after coming off opiates I really noticed just how bad my breathing is.
Lately I keep finding myself short of breath, half a dozen times a day I find myself panicking because I can't catch my breath.. It's terrifying actually!
Opiates suppress the cough and breathing reflex, this is why they are used in cough syrups.
I just plain didn't notice how bad my breathing was!
I've been on about six courses of different antibiotics and oral steroids recently as I was aware I had a chest infection but it just didnt seem to want to shift.
I really noticed suddenly after stopping the morphine that my breathing went back to normal and the chest pains that were being masked by the opiates came to the fore.
I've just finished another course of amoxycillin anyway so fingers crossed I'll get better now.
I even ended up calling an ambulance at 5am the other day I was so panicked because I couldn't breath!
Anyway... Where was I?
Yes.. Nearly a month..!
Aside from the chest and my one very minor slip, I'm still clean!
I've stopped the benzos too, I was taking far more than I thought, the last thing I needed was/is a bloody benzo habit on top of everything else!
I'm even trying to stop smoking at the moment.. Mainly because I physically can't with my chest being so bad but also because I want to, for the first time in my life!
I've cut down from 40 plus a day to like, five or six which is pretty cool.. (I do have three patches on though)
So, to sum things up..
I'm very happy with where I am.
Things may not have gone perfectly to plan, no, I didn't manage to stay 100% clean after my flood, BUT;
I've had a huge shift in my thinking and behaviour!
I'm no longer shooting anything, I've been attending NA andf SMART meetings three or four times a week and even saw a clincal psychologist the other day.
Hes actually really nice, I don't usually get on with psychs, especially male ones for some reason but I like this guy.
I guess it depends on how you define success anyway I guess, in relation to my detox..
In my eyes, I had a minor slip and have since picked myself up, dusted myself down and worked hard at my recovery.
I had some drama recently I could have done without..
I'm a member of a great support group on facebook, it's a closed (ie private) group called
Ibogaine Survivors Club
It's a place I feel safe and can be honest usually but the last few days something happened which really surprised and disappointed me.
Only a few people know about my slip and they're mainly people I know in real life that I felt able to tell.
I made a bad call a few days ago by confiding in another group member who I really thought I could trust.
Unfortunately after telling this person about my slip she decided to take it upon herself to 'out' me.
She literally went from a good friend, saying how happy she was that I felt I could confide in her and did a complete 180!
I was basically emotionally blackmailed.
She said that she could no longer post or share in the group as she didn't want to 'support my lies'
That I'd pushed her out of the group with my dishonesty etc etc..
Anyway, this ended up with me basically saying that I'd leave, which I did (after telling her to go fuck herself and what a nasty person she was)
It was horrible, these people are my friends but I did leave (I'm actually even an admin there) so she could continue to share.
How bad is that right?!
I wrote to the other admins of the group (the actual group 'owners') to tell them everything as I knew she would
Luckily they were not bothered in the slightest and I was talked into returning.
So yeah, she did as I thought and spent the day yesterday messaging the admins trying to get me into trouble.
Unfortunately for her I'd already told them everything so this all ended up backfiring and making her look like a douche and a gossip haha
Actually, the funny thing is that she started the whole thing off, me telling her, by saying in a private message that if she knew I'd relapsed she'd be on a plane to the UK to get some 'proper H' !(She's from Finland, apparently it's nearly impossible to get heroin over there)
It's only because she said that that I felt I could confide in her.
She swore blind that she wouldn't break my confidence!
She's literally spent the last two days messaging people in the group trying to get me into trouble, I've also been told that she's got a screw loose and that she prides herself on her ability to 'take someone down'
She has no qualms about snitching on people to the cops apparently.
I don't think she has anything on me luckily. She does though have my address as she sent me some Ibogaine a whole back.
I really can't be bothered with all this right now anyway, I'm concentrating on myself, staying clean and serene!
The whole thing is awful, of course I wanted to be honest with my support group!, I haven been intentionally lying and enjoying it. Far from it! Fact is its not quite a simple as all that, there is other stuff going on, it's not black and white.
Why all the drama!?
Anyway..
That's it for now
Hope you lot are all good!?
let me know in the comments.. :)
Sid
